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Off my chest

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by JayA08, Dec 29, 2020.

  1. JayA08

    JayA08 Fapstronaut

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    So Im probably going to get a lot of hate on here because I read some similar stories to mine on reddit and only some were supportive and most were straight up bashing this guy, basically telling him he's better of dead.
    Anyways, growing up I had this female cousin that I pretty close with and we were often left alone together at my grandmothers, I was 8 years old while she was 7. We were just normal kids that would play tag and do what young kids would do. However one day I had a curiosity for the female body and I was often touching her in the bathroom while we were alone at my grandmothers. I wouldn't say alone because my grandmother was usually upstairs cleaning and sewing while we did other things. Thinking of it now, being that young doing that is just curiosity, but it gets much worse. I continued this until I was 13 until one night she told me outright that I scared her that night. I never felt the same, It took that to realize what I was doing wasn't normal and how disgusting it was of me to do to someone. Im 20 now and I still can't have meaningful relationships with girls, and I struggle in feeling like a good person. Because how can i be a good person if i did something so terrible to a person, and I feel truly sorry for my cousin. I was a pretty troubled kid growing up living in a very hectic environment and porn was usually my out, so as a young kid around 12 it fueled that little disgusting thing I did. Its hard for me to live with something like that, how can I? Days feel ok but there's always something in the back of my mind hovering around waiting to just ruin what's might be good for me. I dont pursue relationships with girls because I'm always brought back to what she said that day, where "I scared her." If I start a relationship, ill scare them too, theyll see a side of me that I dont know I have and be the monster that I am. People often ask me whats wrong and why im so angry with myself, and I tell them that they wouldnt understand.
    Well thats all I got to say about it, Im not asking for forgiveness all is for it to be known, for something I did, that ill probably live with for the rest of my life.
     
    +TenPercent, Agent, Jefe Rojo and 2 others like this.
  2. OttarrTheVendelCrow

    OttarrTheVendelCrow Fapstronaut

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    Hi @JayA08. First, thank you for sharing this story with us. It is very brave of you and you should be proud of yourself for having the guts to take responsibility in a public way. Most people can't do that. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. I can't emphasize that enough. Everyone has done plenty of things that they are ashamed of in life. People are not all good or all bad. They are a little bit of both. Be gentle with yourself, you were a child when you did this and couldn't have known any better. Especially if your views of sexuality were distorted by pornography.

    I strongly encourage you to see a therapist. A licensed professional can be an incredible help at untangling these thoughts and improving your quality of life. A good start is looking for LISW, LSW (licensed social workers) in your local area. Try a couple and see which one you like most. I did this years ago and it changed my life. You need to tune out what people are saying on the internet and talk to a licensed professional that will be able to provide you with real help. It might cost some money but it will be the most important investment you make in your life.
     
  3. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

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    Tchill out you were kid and she was almost the same age as you , it isnt that bad
     
  4. Dude you were a kid, both of you were.

    Hate to say but this isn't abnormal, children experiment.

    There are studies out there that have found quite a number of people had their first consensual sexual encounter with a close sibling or cousin.

    You need to self forgive and move on, no sense punishing yourself for something you did when you barely understood what sex was.
     
  5. Thanks for sharing your experience. You’re not a bad person. You didn’t fully understand the gravity of what you were doing.

    How is your relationship with that same cousin? Do you talk much? I would suggest going to see her and finding a private place to talk. And then tell her about the guilt you’ve been feeling about your past actions. Apologize and ask her forgiveness. I think this would go a long way in helping you get past this.

    If, after doing this, you still feel bad and guilty, I would seek professional help.
     
    Arez01 likes this.
  6. I advise leaving it be with his cousin, there's a good chance she either doesn't remember or doesn't want to.

    Doing that opens some pandora's boxes that he might seriously actually regret.

    I agree professional help to help get past it, but it doesn't need to be dredged with her.
     
  7. Arez01

    Arez01 Fapstronaut

    It's good that you feel guilty because it means you know that it was wrong; I agree with Jefe Rojo, after a serious talk with her you may feel much better knowing she forgave you, things aren't going to get worse if she doesn't (because you still did a right thing, you apologised) and it's better to do try it instead of bearing a massive guilt for the rest of your life. Good luck
     
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  8. Awful advice

    Feeling guilty for something he did as a child is ridiculous

    Didn't know better immature, kids do shit and they learn.

    Move on from it
     
  9. Agent

    Agent Fapstronaut

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    Man i understand your regret and how that can leave you so disturbed, but i see you changed and you shall be forgiven. You were very young and sometimes our curiosity kills the cat.. We all made mistakes in the past that's why we are in this forum looking to get better, change and get a new life. Don't let that drag you as if that's still the person you are today because i don't believe so!

    I'm here if you need anything bro.
     
  10. While I agree that moving on is important, you are also assuming that his cousin has moved on. It complicates things when two people were involved. I would wager that a professional would try to help him give closure to this issue by reaching back out to his cousin.
     
  11. Arez01

    Arez01 Fapstronaut

    How is it "ridiculous"? It's pretty common that people feel guilty for things they did years ago even though they learned from their mistake; I'm not telling him to feel guilty, I'm telling him what he is feeling right now is normal, him feeling guilty is much more normal than not feeling guilty at all. Also my whole advice is to apologize, then it will become much easier to move on; some guys telling him on a forum that he isn't a monster anymore won't do the same.
     
  12. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    She probably doesnt remember it or doesnt want to. unless she mentions it, i suggest dont make the 1st move and go in a 'confession' spree.
     
    SumOf1 likes this.
  13. Where were your fucking parents? The guilt you're feeling is theirs, not yours, but because you're conscientious, you'll have a hard time accepting this.
     
  14. Nº 9

    Nº 9 Fapstronaut

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    Is not that big of a deal. You were just a kid
    Found a psychoanalist. I think therapy could help with the problems you developed afterwards those events.
    Try to establish dialogue with your cousin. This could be the key
     
    SumOf1 likes this.
  15. GripStrength

    GripStrength Fapstronaut

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    And to the original poster. You aren’t a monster if you feel that terrible. You were a kid. And when you saw that something negatively affected someone. It really affected you. That is not a sign of a bad person, but rather someone that didn’t realize if something was off about their actions. It clearly sounds like you didn’t know. Try to just forgive yourself. And do what you have to to get over it
     
  16. TheGreatTiger

    TheGreatTiger Fapstronaut

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    Most of us are born with the instinct to not hurt others. Throughout our whole lives we continue to learn what hurts others and continue to adapt to be better at not hurting others. These are often bigger things when younger such as learning not to shout at people or scream and cry, and more subtle things when we get older such as learning that certain conversation topics tend to upset certain people.

    But we can and will make big mistakes at all stages in life, as everyone has blind spots for what they haven't learned upsets people. No one can know everything, and what doesn't seem bad to them, seems very bad to other people who've already learned that lesson either from their own mistake, someone else's mistake, or cultural osmosis.

    This is why it's important to meditate and reflect on your mistakes so you don't repeat them but also to forgive yourself and forgive others when they make their own mistakes.

    The moral landscape is changing slowly, so what upsets people is also changing with that. It's different in different cultures, societies and times. This is another reason it takes time to adapt and we don't have every instinct biologically hardwired into us from birth.

    But it is good that you are upset and think about this. This ensures you learn from your mistake, and take all of the lessons you can out of it. I've made mistakes in my life that have caused me to feel sad for years and continue to think about for years. This is natural, and allowed me to draw deeper conclusions and understanding from my mistake that I would not otherwise have.

    It's not as simple as, you made X mistake so don't do X again, and by mulling over the event(s), there's a lot more you can learn. If you have a gut feeling that you'll upset women if you try to get in a relationship with them, maybe it's true. Maybe you will. Maybe there's more you haven't learned from your mistake yet.

    By allowing yourself to continue to mull over and think about your mistake, you'll get to a point where you understand it well enough to either not make the broader category of mistake (The category that you don't yet see and won't see before proper reflection) or eventually get you to the point that you understand your mistake well enough to be sure you won't make it again. If your gut feeling is too not be in a relationship right now, spend time alone, feel bad, and think about your mistake... that's because your biology is trying to go through a natural learning process, and if you fight this instinct you'll just wind up creating more problems down the line for yourself.

    Yes, learning can sometimes take years of reflection, especially for bigger mistakes. The people who don't let themselves go through this process tend to ***** who continuing hurting others. So just go through the entire process and know you'll come out better on the other side.
     
  17. It's ridiculous to be feeling intense guilt over something from childhood like this, he has no idea it was wrong or right and most kids don't.

    Get therapy and leave it be.

    I think it's wrong to put that expectation of "mistakes" on someone at age 8 - he isn't a monster and never was.

    He'd be a monster if he continued the behavior once he grew up
     

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