The War against yourself (29/12/2020)

Hi, I’m not sure exactly how to articulate myself about this journey I am about to embark on, but some words are better than nothing. A brief introduction into who I am;

23-year-old male, currently studying at university a Bachelor of Education. I work three jobs; Food and beverage attendant and a test administrator. I have had an addiction to PMO since the age of 13. This marks roughly 10 years into this addiction, and it is not getting any better. I’ve realized that I need to get over this addiction so that I can fully realize my potential. Becoming a role model in the community and someone that when I die and be proud of requires me to break this addiction once and for all.

At the time I am writing this, it feels as though I am treating this as a new year’s resolution, but I really need a lifestyle change. At the age of 23, it hurts to see others around me getting their life in order, or otherwise known as their “shit together”. While I shouldn’t be jealous, its frustrating to see my peers working full-time jobs, getting married, buying properties, investing and becoming fully-fledged members of society. Many of my friends tell me that I shouldn’t use others as a metric for my progress in life, it is difficult at times. I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong; working dead-end jobs, studying at a low-tier university.

Like many on this site I have a mountain of insecurities, which I often joke about. Not being interesting or sophisticated enough, being a workaholic and obviously my PMO. I’ve attempted to work on my social skills as I mainly work in customer service but also socializing as much as possible. I’ve recently moved out of home, which has been a big milestone in my life, and I am intending to do more, but I need to break the ball and shackle of PMO.

I’ve seen what PMO has done to others in their lives and I don’t want to end up like them. My biggest fear is that I will die on untapped potential and never having found someone to love. I want to start dating, but I have a mountain of emotional baggage to sort through before I start and would like to at least feel comfortable in my own skin.

Over the next two years I want to achieve the following (preferably in this order):

1. Get my motorcycle license

2. Run a marathon

3. Earn my BJJ Blue Belt

4. Live and travel overseas (non-english speaking country)

5. Speak another language

6. Build a website for my BJJ gym (because the current one is disgusting).

Some habits I am trying to create is;

1. Stray away from PMO and replace it with guitar or reading (this has not been successful)

2. Clean up my diet (has been good apart from caffeine)

3. Stray away from social media (I have deleted fb, while I am posting here I will revisit every 2 weeks).

Long introduction, and apologies for the scatterbrain approach. Putting emotion into words is difficult but helps me articulate the problems that plague my brain regularly.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading, and good luck on your journey.