Married, 35YO, PIED not cured, 89 days nofap

Hi, Sorry for my language, English is not my native.

I am 35 yo I am married for 7 years with my girlfriend which I know for 17 years. She is my first and only sex partner. We have two healthy boys (5 yo, 1,5 yo).

I have been faping since 15 years old. It starting from MTV movie clips, than VHS and then internet porn.

I met my wife when I was 17 years old we started having sex when we were 18. It took us 1 year to have successful sex because every time we were trying to have sex I was so stressed out my dick was dead. I quit porn and masturbation at that times . After that we had normal sex but always I was disappointed because it was to „normal” and too rarely. We have a lot arguments that my “needs” were not fulfilled. I was thinking about sex all the time and at that times rarely getting it. I was replacing it with masturbation and porn. I don’t remember how often I PMO but it was always present in my life. My wife always came very quick and after climax she felt pain so she was finishing me with her hand and she has to do it very aggressively and fast. I have never had problems with my dick it was ready for action every time I wanted.

During second pregnancy and 1 year after birthday we haven’t had sex because my wife doesn’t wanted to. We got back to sex but it was very rarely so I was PMO more and more. I also noticed that during sex my erection wasn’t so strong like in the past and to feel something I had to have hard sex which was painful for my wife. I started to realize that there is something wrong and it might be caused by porn and masturbation but it was too late. I quit porn but still masturbating. One day we had sex and during that my dick lost erection. My wife tried to recover it but I ejaculated when it was down. We tried again next day and same thing happened.

Next week we received information that my wife has a thyroid cancer she was so depressed that our sex life stopped for a few weeks. I decided for nofap. It revealed that that cancer is benign tumor and with treatment she will be able to normally live. We started to have sex but I can’t get erection for 3 months. She still have some health problems and we haven't had many occasions to do it but whenever we try it is ED. It is the same situation like I was teenager, I am so stressed out that I can’t get an erection. Either my dick is dead or it ejaculates while it is dead. Once I was 21 day on hard mode she was able to give me blow job and my erection was ok but several days later it was again failure. I checked blood, hormones and everything is ok. I am not overweight. Because of problems with my back I have been following sensible diet and exercising 3 times a week for 2 years. Everyday I have morning wood and I fell it is stronger than before. I think that physically I am healthy.

I don’t know if I am in flatline or I am depressed but I feel like shit. I am afraid of sex. I can’t focus on anything, I have insomnia. I don’t know what to do. I have thoughts that I will be impotent until end of my life.

 

As part of my backpain rehab process I am doing squats and deadlifts but with very light weights. I have been going to gym for 2 years and I love it. I also ride a bike approx 25-30 km once a week. Thanks to that routine I look very attractive. Unfortunatelly I have sitting job which sometimes is killing me. I think that currently I am strugling more with performance anxiety ED than PIED. I don't know how to over come this. Should I go into hard mode or try to have sex and have hope that I will finally succed . Currently each failure is killing me.

 

In the morning we were cudling with my wife and my dick was hard as rock. She made me a blowjob and I had an orgasm after one minute . Then we were laying in bed and talking and after 10 minute my dick again got hard. We didn't do with that anything because children woke up but it seems that i am getting better

 

Hi, yesyerday we have finally successful sex. At first i get hard and ejaculated before sex it wasn't orgasm only ejaculation very strange and frustrating. I didn't give up and after short stimulation I got erection again and we had short sex and both came at the same time. It seems there is small progress. I now I should be happy but still in back of my head there probably is prejudice that i should be sexually fit as actors from porn.