Someone get me out of this dark place

Hi man,

I absolutely see why you're upset with yourself but I don't think you should be ashamed of yourself.
The issue we all face here is addiction to porn. There's nothing wrong with male sexuality. The reason for no masturbation and no orgasm in hard mode is to truly rewire our brains from the impact porn had on us. That's your real enemy here.
In a healthy individual, occasional masturbation and sex are actually a good thing. Please, don't perceive those as wrong or evil - suck a view will do you a massive disservice.
You abstain from M and O to truly heal that's it.
So you've been with a hooker, ok. Should you be proud? Probs, no. But there's no reason to whip yourself. The only reason I don't use such services is because I just can't sleep with a girl I don't have any kind of bond with. But I get guys who are a bit more primal than myself.
What helps me the most in my struggles is a healthy hobby and reading stuff that helps me to unravel how exactly it happened that I have a porn issue now. For example, Neil Strauss in The Truth gives a great analysis of why he was scared of commitment and intimacy.

 

I’d recommend SAA. Meetings are available virtually all day because of Covid. It’s never been easier to jump in and get some support and accountability. You don’t even have to turn your camera on if you don’t want to.

 

I deeply believe that one of the keys to successful reboot is some sort of physical activity. Some people lift weights and others cycle.
Apart from that try to learn by reading a lot. I enjoy biographies of people who made serious mistakes in their lives but yet managed to achieve something. Also, I recently started to read about investing and finance.
Just try things until something sticks. I guarantee you will also meet new people along the way.

 

I have started 2021 with 2 hookers which I really didn’t want to do, but the porn addiction has defiled my brain. Now I wish to regain control. I am doing 100s press-ups a day instead of the gym to get good habits going.

 

You don’t have to join or register. It’s open to all. You don’t even have to be in the same country where a meeting is taking place. All meetings are virtual right now. Just google Sex Addicts anonymous