Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Nicko Stretch, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Some impromptu and exciting intimacy last night. I was able to let myself go while pleasuring S at the same time as keeping aware and control of my closeness to orgasm. S said this was very erotic.
    Recognising that for S to feel my intentions are authentic I have to let myself go during the intimacy, is a very liberating concept. I let go of 'is this right?' 'is she enjoying this? ' 'will she think this is weird?' and focus more on 'mmm, this is amazing'. There is still close verbal and non verbal communication about what we want to happen so I can trust I wont overstep the mark and if I am doing S will let me know.
     
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  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Just read through a few years of blog, and the blog is doing its job. It is giving me a more long term perspective on my behaviour and attitudes to intimacy.
    I spotted a pattern. After each wet dream or love making ejaculation my libido went sky high and really low during the following 2 weeks, however my blog posts do not recognise that this is to do with the chaser effect/passion cycle.
    So the 180 day streak I was on last year - 7 months without PMO, I had 6 wet dreams. So that meant half of that time I would have been influenced by the hormone rollercoaster.
    During this this latests 20 day streak I have recorded my sexual state of mind each day in a graph. The first 2 weeks show it fluctuating from 6-10 and back again, in the last week it has settled to a constant 5.
    In terms of intrusive sexual thoughts, they have settled down too. I had not seen the correlation between intrusive thoughts and ejaculation before reading back through this blog, so that is another positive that has come from writing this.

    So in practical terms where does this leave us? Well it reinforces the requirement for my wife to make the calls on our intimacy especially in the 2 week period after ejaculation, so she can judge if it is my normal behaviour or the limbic sex monster driving my desire, and therefore allow or veto any intimacy.
    It means we will be ready for the ups and downs that follow ejaculation and I will be prepared for the increase in sexualised intrusive thoughts.

    The next question that enters my head is when will I next ejaculate? I suppose this is a bit like thinking when will be the next time I catch a cold? There are various things I can do to reduce the likelihood and there are things I can do to reduce the impact it has on my life, but there is no point in worrying about when it might happen because I cannot predict that.
     
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  3. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Good weekend with S talking a lot about future plans, kitchen rebuilds, food growing etc, but also much discussion about intimacy. She feels she has seen the real me recently in terms of being genuine and showing true passion.

    There are many things ,we decided, which have contributed to this. I have grown in confidence while completing my degree, I am more sure of my own sexuality and understand my own desires and how they fit in with a mixed orientation monogamous marriage. I have developed better self awareness through meditation and by studying different therapeutic approaches during my studies. By taking control of my weight and fitness through exercising and having a healthy diet I feel more in control of my life in general. I have studied expressive writing as a way of reducing intrusive thoughts and practice this as well as non violent communication.

    The cliche is a healthy long term relationship takes work. It is a cliche because it is said a lot. It is said a lot because it is totally true!

    By no means am I saying we have some utopian relationship now, but I feel we have definitely made progress from something that was frustrating both of us, to something we both feel has somewhere to go. It was me that needed to do the most work but S has grown as well. She had no comprehension of the addictive properties of PMO and the resulting negative effects on the person addicted. Through lots of communication she is developing an understanding of why I sometimes think and behave the way I do even when this contradicts my intentions.

    So the way forwards....I am really excited about this current 'streak'. It has many components of the last but with some additions and some bits removed.
    Additions
    • The understanding of the 2 week passion cycle and the awareness of how that will manifest post ejaculation.
    • S now has confidence that I will accept her decision not to engage in intimacy if she feels my motives are wrong, and is feeling empowered by feeling our intimacy is something both of us want to do rather than her feeling like she 'should' be doing it.
    • More non genital orientated sexual activity.
    Items removed
    • My coercive control of intimacy driven by a desire to edge or ejaculate.
    • Any type of schedule or timetable for intimacy or ejaculation.
    • Any importance given to orgasm or ejaculation.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2021
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  4. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Wow, I feel good just reading what you reaped.
    I will give this thread a further look later.
    What can you tell me about this?.

    I hope I can get to where you are now some day!
     
  5. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Hi Greeishmoon,
    There is a really good book called "Open Up by Writing it Down". It is written by clinicians for clinicians but also for anyone who wants to learn about the evidence base for expressive writing improving physical and mental health. It does include some techniques as well and also when it is not effective.
    One very effective way I have used expressive writing is when I have had thoughts come into my head I dare not even google never mind discuss with anyone through fear of what they would think. With expressive writing you set your own audience, and this has a big influence on how you write. When you set your own audience to one( i.e. just yourself) whatever you write is only read by you, so you can get all the details out on paper and discuss and analyse them in your writing. Some people like to keep this writing under lock and key, I prefer to burn it immediately and watch the paper turn into ash to make sure no one reads it.
    I have found this process reduces and depowers intrusive sexual thoughts. I strongly recommend the book if you would like to understand more about how this works.

    Nonviolent communication has been around for decades however the evidence base for its effectiveness has only been developing really in the last decade or 2. The theory is that any form of communication is expressing a need and if we can communicate in such a way that we can understand peoples needs and express our own needs in an undemanding way the world would be a safer place.
    In practice it is a skill I have found effective and difficult to learn. I am at the beginning of my NVC journey. One benefit I am seeing already though, is to understand why I feel a certain way or want to say a certain thing.The process helps me say a far more accurate thing than I was originally going to.
    There are a few books out there about this but the one by its originator is "Nonviolent Communication: A language of life" by Rosenburg.
     
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  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday I felt good.
    22 days since the last ejaculation.It is so difficult to say that my energy levels and motivation are anything to do with length of time since ejaculation biologically. Psychologically I think it does have a big effect. The longer I go the more confident I am that I can go longer, which gives me a sense of achievement and self efficacy, which in turn boosts my confidence and will power to do other things.
    Our intimacy yesterday was very cool and still. We lay together in close body contact with very little movement. It was a real meditation of closeness. I focused on feeling S's body against mine in all the places it touched which created a sense of melting into each other. When my mind drifted I brought it back to our body's. 30 minutes went by very quickly, just as S was more actively enjoying my body, unfortunately we had jobs to do so got up.

    Something has fundamentally changed in me over the last month. I think it is to do with changing expectations. I no longer expect sexual intimacy, and I no longer feel the pressure of feeling I need to initiate intimacy. I think I have carried the fear for a long time that if we are not intimate then our relationship will die, not recognising that intimacy is a result of a strong relationship rather than the other way round. By letting go of my attachment to intimacy being the most important component of our relationship, I have been able to put effort into nurturing other aspects of our relationship like trust, caring, empathy, support and companionship.
    Intimacy still happens but it is no longer a source of stress and anxiety.
    Today.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2021
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  7. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    A cool couple of days in terms of intimacy, punctuated with some short, hot fun instigated by S and some erotic and sensual kissing instigated by me.
    I had some intrusive sexual thoughts yesterday morning which led to some expressive writing. I managed to reframe the thoughts in a different way to normal. The thoughts were quite strong emotionally, trying to persuade me that I am missing out on something by not acting on the sexual thoughts. I reframed them in the following way:
    Because my brain had low dopamine due to being tired, my mind was making suggestions about how I should boost that dopamine so I would feel better, and because in the past I had used sex to do this very effectively, my mind was making a perfectly logical suggestion about how to boost my low dopamine levels.
    By stepping back from the thoughts and feelings and observing them from a different perspective, I was able to de power them . Once I had done this reframing exercise the emotion was gone and the thoughts subsided.

    One of the difficulties of this kind of process is being aware of the thoughts just being thoughts rather than truth.I try to meditate 10 minutes a day and admit I am very hit and miss, I maybe get 2 or three sessions a week minimum. Its not that I don't like doing it, just that I don't always remember, which is a bad excuse I know. I think I need to tie the habit to something else I do regularly but not sure what.....
     
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  8. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I am noticing that my sensitivity to arousal over the last few days is lower than it has been for the previous three weeks. I am not getting an instant erection with the slightest of touches, and it is taking longer for me to become aroused.
    I see this is a good thing. It brings me more in line with my wife's speed of arousal and means I am not pinging into sexual mode at the drop of a hat. I can focus more on other sensual pleasures. Whether this is to do with time since last ejaculation or to do with my current daily workload I do not know. Apparently stress and tiredness can reduce testosterone which in turn reduces libido.
    This morning we lay arms and legs wrapped around each other enjoying the warmth and softness of our skin. There was a shadow of arousal but nothing significant. My attention was away from my genitals so I could focus more on sensations in other areas of our being. A more wholesome closeness than just being genital-centric.
     
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  9. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Philosophical rant coming up:
    With arousal and libido being affected so much by other factors in our lives like the amount of exercise, sleep, stress, we have, I wonder how many people on the retention pathway have attributed drops in libido to retention rather than other life events? And I wonder how many people feel that if there libido does not return to 'normal' levels, see retention as a failed strategy? I for one will be glad if my libido drops to be closer to my wife's.
    Maybe human males naturally only have libido when the opportunity arises with a mate, when things are calm and we have the energy, and it is actually our hypersexualised world that makes men feel that wanting to have sex every day is normal.
    I can see that having sex multiple times over a week or two week period would be the best strategy to conceive with a mate, but then, biologically there is no point for 9 months.
    However, from an early age we are taught to see sex as a natural 'a few times a week, every week of your life' event.
    Is this one of the reasons men can be such arseholes? Is this why the male dominated world is such an unjust place? Our minds are all over the place because of the yoyo-ing hormones, for some people every week of theirs lives since puberty.
    If this was not the case and it was natural to only have ejaculatory sex to procreate would we not rape, sexually abuse, be violent towards women (and men) ?Would pornography not exist and sexually evocative advertising and media not work? Is the greed for power and status caused by the massively fluctuating hormones in mens heads? Why is there discrimination towards women? Surely it is related to sex. If sex for men was just not a big deal, would we have equality?
    Are men just stumbling through this life reacting to hormone ups and downs and using what ever means they can to try to alleviate the lows and maximise the highs of this hormone rollercoaster?
    Are men just acting out?
    Have we not considered the effect of our artificial world on our sexual lives? Men do not get taught about the power sex has over them. We don't get taught how to manage the urges, how to not feed into them, and if we do how we will build up a tolerance and develop a habit which will lead to an addiction. It is totally legal for organisations to prey on male minds using sex, to get them addicted.
    I am guessing 99% of men in the developed world are addicted to ejaculation, meaning they feel they couldn't go for longer than a week or so without ejaculating through fear of physical and psychological side effects. And this situations is totally socially acceptable in western civilisation at least.
    I think i will do more research into this....
     
  10. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    A busy week with some stress and tiredness. A good test for my new resolve. We have not been very intimate during the week but both have the weekend off so I will make an effort to be close.
    It has been interesting observing my thoughts and feelings particularly last night. I recognised a familiar thought surfacing in my mind. It wasn't a bang in the face type of thought, more a bit of a whisper.
    It was about lack of sex. It was my mind suggesting that the reason I was feeling a bit tired and low in energy and motivation was not due to the increased workload and lack of sleep I was experiencing, but because I was not having sex. Either that or that is how I processed the initial thought which was actually 'do you want to feel better? Then have some sex'.
    I could change the word sex for sugary food,drugs, PMO, gambling, shopping, etc etc. Again it was my brain making subtle suggestions about how to alleviate the reduction in dopamine experienced by the tiredness and stress.
    Being intimate(non ejaculatory) and close with my wife is a healthy way to relieve stress but also requires a degree of alertness to stay present while it is happening. During the week this is not always possible, so the weekend I feel this should be a priority.
    Using the addiction model to manage cravings for O is proving very effective. In the past i think i have used the "it will build up and build up" model. As if the semen in my body will explode out at some point.
    Now I see it more like using drugs. The longer I go without, the weaker the cravings become. My mind becomes used to the new hormone levels, sperm and semen production slows, intrusive sexual thoughts lessen. The bigger picture is that I can start un-identifying with the usual masculine discourse which is 'you are a man if you have sex', 'men have an innate sex drive that has to be fulfilled or wellbeing will be effected'.
     
  11. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    My unwanted thoughts continued today. My mind had decided that I 'needed' some intimacy. It was suggesting, 'just hint about not having been close for a while', 'make a comment about what you would like to do'.
    The really great thing is that because I have handed over control of our intimacy to my wife there was a rule in my head saying that I should not do these things because it was trying to coerce her into sex (which it would have been). It would have been undermining her authority which I have given her freely. It was definitely a case of not knowing what was good for me.
    As it happens we had a very passionate kiss during the day and in the evening 20 minutes of quite hot but controlled intimacy. My mind was pushing me to go a lot further, and I did make the signals to S that I was keen for this. She very definitely did not react to the signals so I did not pursue the idea. I was really aroused for the first time this week I think and it felt amazing. I am pretty sure S could tell I was at risk of being too hot so she slowed the whole intimacy down until my arousal gradually faded.
    Another really successful example of the benefit of S being in control of intimacy. I knew I was driven to want more but I was not getting any kind of signals from S that she wanted more. I respected this communication and the intimacy ended. In the past i would have been pushing my agenda and S would have felt obliged to engage in the activity I wanted to do. I feel this is unfair, even if that activity was to pleasure her.

    Learning to observe and respect my wifes wishes with regards what she does with her body has taken such a long time to learn. I am so happy it is working now though.
     
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  12. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Another couple of lovely intimacy sessions yesterday. With being so much more explicit with each other about not ejaculating, we are finding it so much easier to stay away from the edge of ejaculation. And I think because my hormones have levelled out, I am less aroused when not being close which has made me so much more sensitive to being aroused when we are close. This means that I notice bodily pleasure in the slightest of things. This might be just a kiss or a smile or something we have said to each other. Then when we are more physically intimate, full sexual arousal feels divine, a real pleasure for its own sake.
    I am feeling so much more secure in our relationship. We are building something which is specific to S and me rather than something we might have based on societal expectations. 'Business as usual' ejaculatory sex is a thing of the past for us. An intimate relationship based on mutual understanding and deep communication is developing between us.
    It feels like it is at the start and still quite delicate...
     
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  13. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Just starting to read your journal and I'm learning a lot from your journey with your wife. The above post was particularly poignant - I was always referring to things with a sexual innuendo type comment, because I was always thinking about sex (or P). I have since stopped that during my 120-day streak last year. Thanks for your insight.
     
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  14. Nicko Stretch

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    A really open talk yesterday with S. We are working through a sex self help book and have just covered the chapter on monogamy. We talked about previous relationships where we have and haven't been monogamous and discussed times when we have suspected non monogamy by the other. This would have been a very triggering topic for me a few years ago. Triggering anxiety, fear, insecurity and paranoia.
    I am happy to say i am in a much better place now. I was able to talk calmly and openly.
    We also had a good discussion about sexual fantasy. Not anything specific but the act of assuming I have some right to expect my wife to fulfill these fantasies. I explained how I now reframe the fantasy as thoughts my mind has put together that will spike dopamine. I try not to entertain or recall these fantasies because I don't want to reinforce them.
    This brought us onto talking about the fine line between me not coercing S into doing some sex act she isn't totally happy about, and me not expressing my sexual desires or having choice in the relationship.
    The 'love journal' we use as a different way of communicating, comes in very handy in these situations. I am able to say what I did like and didn't like from previous intimacy but with zero request or pressure to do more or less of anything. I trust S not to engage in anything which I might be unhappy about and that she will engage in any activity she wishes.
    Last night I wrote about how much simpler it is to not have to be thinking 'how can I encourage S to do this or that without turning her off' while love making, and how by just following her cues I will not make her do anything she isn't happy about.
    I had no idea how much pressure I was putting S under sexually. She wanted to please me but felt she was not an equal partner in our intimacy,rather someone facilitating my pleasure. She had never articulated this to me and it has only really come out over the last month since she has had control of when, where and what we do sexually.
    She says it was a massive relief when I made the commitment to her that I would respect her judgement without challenge about what she does with our bodies. She is no longer second guessing what I want and wondering what is going on in my head.
    And this agreement does not have boundaries. If S decides she doesn't want any intimacy ever again, then that is her choice. As long as we keep communicating hopefully any changes in our relationship will be managed with love and understanding even if that involves the end of the relationship.
    I am happy to say we appear to be far from the end of the relationship and more at the beginning of a new stage. S is finding her confidence again during intimacy and is enjoying being in charge. I am learning about how often I used to impress my will on S and about the exquisite feeling of not knowing where an intimacy is going. Every time is novel and exciting whatever the outcome - either exciting in itself or exciting at the anticipation for the next time.
    Each time we are close reinforces my desire to be close again. Totally the opposite to ejaculatory sex where after the event my desires would do a u turn. Something that was giving me intense euphoric feelings before ejaculation would give me feelings of disgust and shame after ejaculation.
    I feel so much more stable in this state.
     
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  15. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    A spontaneous and fun intimacy yesterday with lots of skin to skin contact and laughing.We seem to have got to a place which is really healthy and I am scared I will mess it up.

    My cycle of addiction runs something like this;
    1) I notice something to do with my addictive behaviour is really interfering with our lives.
    2)We look for ways to make a change.
    3) We make those changes
    4)The problem goes away removing the motivation for maintaining the behaviour change.
    5) My behaviour slips back into the problematic addictive pattern.

    I am determined to break this cycle this time. I literally need to remind myself on a daily basis why I am retaining semen and why S makes the decisions about our intimacy. I have developed a bit of a mantra or affirmation which goes like this:

    I am guilty of manipulating S into acting out sexual fantasies rooted in historic porn addiction,which is harming our intimacy,therefore I pass all decisions about sexual intimacy to S and will respect and abide by all these decisions without challenge.
    I am guilty of dwelling on these sexual fantasies in my mind to get high, therefore I will be open and honest with S when this happens.
    Ejaculation destabilised my personality, therefore I will retain semen to help me be more the person I strive to be.

    A simpler one:

    I will not ask for, suggest, imply, coerce or initiate any kind of sexual intimacy.
    I will tell S if I get any kind of sexual stimulation from anything other than when she initiates intimacy.
    I will retain semen for the rest of my life.

    Lets see if it works...

     
  16. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    So I spent a lot of yesterday refining the affirmations further and am currently at:
    I relinquish all control of sexual intimacy,
    I refrain from all physical and mental sexual self-stimulation and am open and honest when I relapse,
    Permanent semen retention is my goal.

    I am really liking these. They have more power and meaning to me and appear to be working already. I have caught myself twice today thinking about sex!

    I am appreciating the randomness of our intimacy with S in control. I never know when it will happen which keeps things fresh.

    Good thinking session about fantasies and where they come from this morning. My conclusion was that most come from seeing things on porn sites or reading about specific sex acts. Just another way to get high from sex.
    Not in the spirit of our relationship.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2021
  17. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Day 33 without ejaculation and without being in control of sexual intimacy. It is a real revelation this change in power dynamic. I know it all sounds a bit Femdom, but it really is not. It is about S feeling safe to be vulnerable and let herself go in an intimate way.
    In the past I have had an expectation that we were both entitled to sexual intimacy, and if one wanted it, the other should give it. I would never physically force myself on S, but ask and suggest and reason that what I wanted was a good idea. S is a natural people pleaser so would feel obliged to try what I was suggesting even if she wasn't keen whether it be something kinky or just the frequency of intimacy.
    She also felt disconnected during intimacy. We feel this was because I was focused on what I thought should happen. Thinking " I really want to give S pleasure today so I will give her a long oral session" I thought this was being giving and thoughtful, however S had not suggested this, I did not know if that is what she wanted all I knew was that i wanted to do this to her and why wouldn't she want a long oral session?
    I am starting to learn now that intimacy is a fine dance of communication, there should be no schedules or plans or agendas. It starts with a bid for attention - a touch or smile or inviting words, and it is up to the other person to accept or decline this bid. If it is accepted, then another bid can be made, if it is declined then that decision is respected.

    So to change my thinking and behaviour S is now in total control of sexual intimacy. Yes, I can bid for attention, but am learning to have no expectations, and S knows that I will respect her response to the bid with grace and love.
    For the first time since our honeymoon period 25 years ago I feel a deep connection growing between us - a mutual bond built on trust and honesty.
    This does rely on doing away with the belief that men 'need' to have sex. No they don't. We don't need to 'clean out our tubes', we don't need it for 'mood control', and it is not the 'only way we can show our love'. That is all BS. It does not 'prevent' prostate cancer, there is very weak evidence to suggest it might reduce the risk of getting very low risk prostate cancer that most men die with rather than die because of. There is clearer and more evidence to suggest being obese or not exercising has a greater effect on risk of contracting high risk prostate cancer.
    We are humans just like women, but who become addicted to ejaculation in the same way modern humans get addicted to sugary and fatty foods. We will use any rationale at all to convince ourselves and the people around us that we have to have regular ejaculation. I believe this addiction drives the patriarch and misogyny in society. Its not women whose hormones affect there stability it is very much men who suffer from daily and weekly spikes and troughs of hormones which affect there mood and thinking. This is what I believe. If you don't believe this then that is your choice, but it is worth thinking about.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2021
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  18. Nicko Stretch

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    Tiredness yesterday brought some sexual thoughts. I used the affirmations in a positive way to remind myself of my values and goals. I have found it really liberating to write totally honestly to myself about my internal sexual world.

    Writing things like " I am guilty of chronic pornography use, of fantasy and masturbation which has impacted negatively on my relationship. Because of this I will refrain from all physical and mental sexual self stimulation and if I relapse I will be open and honest about it with S".

    I am really enjoying learning that arousal does not have to lead anywhere and that it can be at any level. I think in the past I used to think that if arousal started it had to go all the way to ejaculation. In the past 6 years that has changed to go at least to fully turned on, in the last month I am letting go of any kind of goals for sexual arousal - I am learning that it is a side affect of our closeness and its duration or intensity are not measures of anything - I don't need to encourage it or sustain it because I know it will come again in a different way to a different degree the next time we are intimate.
    This last statement is all about the difference between scarcity and abundance which I feel needs further investigation...
     
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  19. Nicko Stretch

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    Had a great discussion with S yesterday about how we thought things were going in terms of intimacy.
    Generally well was the consensus, however S did have a 'niggly feeling' about me being so passive during intimacy.
    After talking it through we came to the conclusion that S would like me to be more expressive about my desires when being sexually intimate. My fear was if I did that then I might be asking S to do things she wasn't ready to do or things she didn't want to do at that time. She agreed she would be more assertive about her choices and I agreed to accept without challenge those choices.
    The end result of the discussion was a distinct change in my affirmations.
    They now read:
    S decides when we start and when we stop sexual intimacy.
    I express my desires while being sexually intimate paying close attention to feedback from S .
    I recognise that my sexual desires will not always be appropriate and trust S to tell me when this is the case.
    I accept without challenge when S wants to end intimacy.
    I do not think about or plan my sexual desires outside of being sexually intimate.
    I do not physically or mentally sexually self stimulate and am open and honest about relapses.

    One fear about this is that I would start planning what I would do with S, and basically use it as a way to fantasise during the day when we are not being intimate. This is why there is the 'no planning!' clause in my affirmations.

    The new way was tested this morning. I was able to let myself go which today meant being more dominant, another day I may have been more submissive. The point is that it keeps the novelty in our sexual intimacy for S now as well, and because we do not plan any type of intimacy, it is always a surprise for both of us!

    In previous streaks I have had a wet dream about every month. I am hoping by desexualising my thinking as well as not ejaculating this will not happen. I am more aware now than other times I have tried this and have been surprised at how my mind can sneakily get me thinking about sex, which i am sure contributes to wet dreams.
    My resolve to beat my ejaculation addiction is stronger than it ever has been so I am optimistic things will be different this time...
     
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  20. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Building acceptance of the new way of being intimate. I have had a number of automatic thoughts about planning what I might do and imagining what might happen. These are exactly the type of thoughts I want to avoid, so the change in regime is not good from that perspective. However I do believe it is the right way to go so will continue to politely decline to entertain the intrusive thoughts, and to talk to S about their prevalence and how I am managing them.

    This is more new ground for us as we gradually build a new intimacy specific to us, and far from the intimacy that is portraited in the media.

    A big take away from this process for me, is an understanding of how stress and tiredness can change my perceptions of our sexual relationship. If I am stressed I can blame it on not enough sex, if I am tired and have low libido I can blame it on the type of sex we are having and how it no longer interests me. The key thing that puts things back in the true perspective for me is taking a wider view in terms of time.
    So what does this look like? I ask myself " How long have I felt like this? Did I feel like this yesterday or last week? Have I ever felt differently? When was that?" When I ask myself these questions the answers usually indicate that this change in thinking has been very short term and goes against the direction I have been striving for our relationship to go.
    This shows me that it is a symptom of the tiredness or stress rather than an astute observation of the state of our sexual relationship. The short answer is "Do not trust my judgement when really stressed or tired".
    Its a bit like stopping smoking. Its easier when there are no stressors around, but when the pressure ramps up we convince ourselves that actually we do want to smoke, only to recognise afterwards that it was the stress which changed our perceptions.
    Another addiction analogy.
     

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