Our journey

First of, the week has been a mess, normal life mess (not pmo/betrayal trauma) but still exhausting. Alot of nights with little sleep, partner working alot. He also had an after work thing in the middle of the week, so for almost 2 days it was just me and the little one. And I can say this much, moms that raises kids alone are heroes. Being a single parent for a few days was like a marathon filled with poop and screams. But we made it through that, but yea thats the main reason I havnt posted anything lately.

Also mom was here over the weekend, and i took the chanse to get out of the house with her during Friday. We went to the nearest town to look for winter boots for my daugther, had amazing food to eat. And yea generally it was nice to get out, dress up a bit and be more then a stay at home mom in sweatpants.

We also did a trip on Saturday, with my partner to a town a bit further away. And even if it was pouring down rain it was nice and cozy. Also good food on that trip...eating something else then macaroni and sausage is a good change. Right now it's more or less the only approved food by my daugther.

So to the more real issues: I have made what I feel is a solid plan for myself. I have applied for nursing school, when I learned that I could read that in a town only 20 minutes away it sounded really fun. And after talking with the student counselor I also know that it is manageable to do while I stay home with my daugther, at least the first semester. It's mostly gona be theory then, and i can read and watch lectures from home. I just have to be good at dedicating enough time for it. But since I allready have a degree in archeology, I'm used to higher education and would say that i got a decent study technique.

As a plan B, if i don't get in on the first try I got a meeting with the community College here in town tomorrow. To talk about reading up to become a certified caregiver. It would take me to the summer I think, also doable with being home with my daugther. And then I can retake I have no idea what to call it, but I guess its equal somewhat to the SAT? Here it works as a secound chanse at getting in to university, you can either get in based on grades or on that test. And i had one with good score, but its outdated so I would need to do it again. And yea then reapply to the nursing school.

Being independent, or more precisely being able to support myself and my daugther by myself is important. Regardless if things work out between me and my partner or not. It would to some degree get that sence of freedom that I want and feel like i don't have. Like finances wouldn't be the thing that keeps me trapped at least.

Regarding our relationship he seems to be doing good, which I find unsettling. Things never goes good normaly, I just havnt found the new loophole yet. So yea I can admit to being very untrusting when it comes to hes progress. But the fact that things seems better he is very pushy on me, and even if things really are better I'm not ready for all that. This stresses me quite a bit and gives me anxiety, I want to set the pace and not be pushed. And really he should know by now that pushing me is not the way to go. It doesn't give him what he's after and sooner or later i will lash out becouse i feel cornerd.

Lastly depression wise I feel better, but I think that has alot to do with moms visit. She always cheers me up, so im scared that this will fade away now that she has gone home. When its back to reality and normal exhausting days. But we will see.

I think this ended up being a fairly long post, guess that is what happens when you dont post for a few days.

 

Making progress on nursing school things today! I need to read up one class to be qualified, but I got admitted to doing that over the internet today and will be done in time to be able to start nursing school in January. Another good thing is due to covid, the test I talked about yesterday is still valid. And with the score I got on my test I got a garantiued spot according to the student counselor I saw today. So that feels great.

But I still have been anxious and restless today, could be becouse alot is happening. Or that my partner had the day of, which is different in many ways. Its more of him in my space, and a slower pace at home since we are two. So i dont feel completely exhausted for a change.

Lastly having things falling into place almost feels to good to be true, like I'm on my way to a good education, my partner got a job that he is managing well. I dont know something just feels domed to fail, life or my life at least have a way of not working out the way I intended most of the time. So I guess that's why I'm so scared of all the good things.

Oh and one more small thing, the last few days I have reacted to how fast my little daugther is growing up. She is almost one allready! Where did the time go?! And i find myself missing that little snuggly frog (yes her nickname as newborn was frog), those cozy newborn moments went by so fast...to fast it feels like right now.

 

I find it hard to post anything today, like yesterday I have had a few moments where I have felt very overwhelmed.

Biggest one today is when the gift we had ordered for our daugther was two small, and i know its not a big deal. We are sending back the one that is to small and ordered one in a bigger size. But it still feels like a failure, like if I don't have the perfect gift ready I'm a bad mother.

I guess I'm still way to hard on myself, without being so aware of it. My partner also mentioned that he had heard in a podcast that people with betrayal trauma tend to feel like bad parents. If that's true or not i don't know. But it resonates with what I have been feeling today.

So yea feeling overwhelmed, having a hard time sorting through what I'm accually feeling sums things up quite good. And yea writing today is cleary hard.

I don't know really what to do, more self care and perhaps ease up a bit on the pressure I have been putting on myself. I have made progress, maybe its time to enjoy that and not just rush straight away to the next task. Maybe.

 

Today has not been the best of days, I guess it started when I wanted to vent to my partner about our daugther giving me a hard time. She was sooo tired, but trying to make her sleep made her scream and cry like i was the meanest parent alive. But being awake had the same result, everything was just misery in her world becouse she was so tired. And thats fine but exhausting when it goes on for a few hours. So yea I wanted to vent.

But he kinda blew me of, like just making a joke out of it. He has a tendency to do this, i keep losing the word but i don't know not listening to what I'm feeling no matter the subject. So that pissed me of a bit, I said thanks alot and ignored him. He then later called me to apologize, didn't work great. I'm sick and tired of apologies.

So yea wasn't in a great mood, and now I'm skipping over things becouse a few things happend in between. But he also left the package of butter empty in the fridge, also pissed me of alot because I was hungry and bread was pretty much it that we had home.

But yea the stuff in between, while being in a bad mood ish I realized why I have been feeling down the last few days. I like my plan, to become a nurse I do. But its also once again a compromise from my side to make up for my partners f-ups. We/he/i havnt filled up the paperwork for daycare so our daugther doesn't have a spot until next fall. That's why I adapted to studying so I could stay home with her, becouse he cannot compromise hes work. And this makes me feel tied down in a way. Like yea I will gain freedom, eventually. And why does he's needs yet again has to go before mine?

When I told him this, he said it was as much my fault as he's that the papers weren't turned in on time. And yea partly its both fault, but i at least filled out the paperwork he did nothing. And there are many things in this house that are supposed to be "our" job, but he won't do them at all. With excuses like i do it better or he doesn't know how to.

And no matter the case of who's at fault, I again question why I should take the consequences for it.

 

So i should try to vent, things have not been so good lately. We are in this downhill spiral of him being complacent and in a bad, pushing people away mood. And i have been acting out becouse of that, getting angry and frustrated. Which I think sends him spiraling down even more.

But I dont know, when he is like this there is no reaching him. The layers of walls are so thick that no words can brake through, make him get out of it. The only thing that ends this behavior is when he finally relapses, but that isnt an end. Just a restart. And im sick of that, getting nowhere.

So yea im angry, triggerd by this behaviour. It sets of my anxiety becouse i know whats on the horizon. And really pissed of that he is complacent enough to just let this happen. But yea like i said there is no changing hes mind.

And im mad at him more or less 24/7, sometimes to the point where I want to punch him. But he ignores it, waits for it to go away and then try to pretend that everything is normal.

Sure he has offered to talk, but what point is there? First of all he doesn't listen to what im feeling, at all. And most importantly, if he doesn't intend on breaking this circle why bother. Then he can take hes bad mood and attitude and go somewhere else, at least that's what my anger tells me.

 

Another day another f-up. Dont know what to say about this one, it's a low blow since most of it revolves around my daugther.

First of he took out hes anger and frustration on her when she was fuzzy during the night, cursing her and calling her names, and being non-gentle borderline aggressive when picking her up. Like not accually hurting her, but not being nice and carefull either.

Then he went on with looking for p-subs here, while he was tending to her. So insistent on not getting caught on a2y that he rather destroy this place by looking for journals with explicit sexual content. And yea sure this isn't a serious relapse, most people would probably call it a slip. But the things around it. Unforgivable.

Taking out your anger on a baby, that doesn't understand first of what it did wrong. Second of all why you are angry. And most importantly why her dad doesn't love her. Becouse yea you son of a bitch that's what she's gona take with her from this. That her dad, a supposed source of love and protection doesnt love her. And that it somehow is her fault.

And then once again brake the sacred place around her, by bring in pmo.

And i can't finish this post, I have to much emotions. I will try to gather myself and get back.

 

Don't know if I'm less emotional or not, but I thought i would give it another try. So yea still really upset, partner thinks he can walts in here like everything is normal after work. Like he's even welcome.

My first reaction to this entire thing was to flee, like where can I go, where can we be safe from all this. Like i feel willing to do anything. Becouse this is not okey. But then again the realization that no matter what I do I can't keep him from my daugther.

The acting out and calling her names, not grounds enough for single custody. Not even temporary one. The p, not even seen as an issue. And yea intentually showing p to a child is seen as a crime, but a less severe one and something that can be rehabilitated. And he doesn't do it with the intent of her watching. So yea no legal aid on my side really, or well more on hers.

All this makes me so fed up, natural reaction for me is to take her away from something harmful. But what's the point when the government is just gona keep putting her back in the same situation over and over? And I know that the moment i leave this house things will escalate, only thing that keeps hes adiction in somewhat of control is the fear of being caught by me.

I really wish there was something I could do, somewhere to turn to. But I dont find any answers. More then physically being a meat shield, and thats a really sucky alternative for all of us.

Some days I think of giving up, asking someone else to take this fight for me, for my daugther. But I couldn't walk out on her in any way, even if it pains me to go through all of this, and to see her do it as well. And I dont know, if i can't find help, who else will?

Taking her and just escape have also been tempting, but that would just turn in to me being the criminal. So yea not the best idea, but natural i think. Since like i said you want to remove your child from danger or harm.

So yea really at a loss as to what to do here, it just seem so hopeless days like today.

And i know that this isn't the end, or some turning point for him. This behaviour will escalate over the coming days, if not month. Untill he relapses, and then it will start all over again.

 

Like always I spiraling on days like today, I don't know how one person can have so many taughts and selfdubt and how it can escalate so quickly. But yea that's me when stuff like this happens.

First though to get out there is that i have from time to time had the thought about leaving this forum. It started with whats the point? If things don't get better, if there isn't any healing this will just be a journal of my misery. But digging a bit deeper, I realized that its shame I'm mostly feeling. Here I am once again, I keep failing as a mother and am i just gona keep posting mistake after mistake for everyone else to see? That seems pathetic.

And yea I can also realize at least in theory that its not really my shame, or misstake to carry. First line of protection should be my partner in this case, he should step away when he's angry. Resist urges when he's caring for our child. If he cannot he should wake me up, tell me he cannot do it and ask me to take over. Its not reasonable for me to ALWAYS be around, never existing in any other purposes then as a guard. Should I never sleep and always monitor what he's doing? That isnt reasonable.

But that doesn't keep me from feeling this things, the guilt, the shame and the hurt. Knowing that I logically isn't at fault and feeling it are two different things.

Feeling all of this, and also feeling the walls from my past (childhood and ptsd) breaking down a bit got me thinking to how I got here. And I started to think about gaslighting and how I would explain that to an outsider. Becouse i do belive that gaslighting, having my own reality breaking down piece by piece is a huge factor to why I haven't walked away before. Like before we had a child that kept us linked together.

And the best description I could come up with is to willingly agree to sit in a cage. You question it in your gut, a cage is not a good thing. But the person telling you to have allready taken away all of your self worth. So you agree, becouse you can walk away anytime right?

Then they ask you to throw away the key, again your gut tells you no. But since you are allready sitting in the cage you feel powerless. So you agree, what else can you do?

And then you wonder why you are trapped in the cage. What went wrong, and why the f would you throw away the key?

The reference to throwing away the key is for me when I agreed to lying by omissions? ( think that's what its called). The first time I agreed to hold hes lies about p, about work, money, whichever one was first. It didn't feel good, but i was also told that if i didn't do it I would get a cage set on fire. And at least this cage wasn't on fire, so even though my gut said no and it felt wrong it somehow felt safer.

And i know now that agreeing to this is what chained me here. Isolating myself, what I was going through from the rest of the world. That was me throwing away my freedom. And basicly a free for all for him, becouse he had me alone in a corner. And controlling me he allready knew how to. This is the thing I regret most of all now, i should never ever had agreed to isolate myself. To make hes reality the "real" one.

And right now, i feel like a unruly prisoner, someone that causes disturbance but is a prisoner non the less. Becouse yea i act out, i threaten him, i can be verbally abusive. But that's also all I am, all talk and no action. So sure I most be a hell of a person to live with and truely annoying, but nothing more then that to him. Annoying.

To jump onto another subject I was watching dirty John last night, and my partner ended up watching one episode with me. And jokingly said that he's not like that at least. And my first thought was really? Sure you are not violent, but that's about it when it comes to difference between the two of you. You gaslight like he does, you use people to gain what you want, like be does. And you do all this to sustain an addiction like he does, but you see no similarities?

Maybe I should take a break now before this turns into the longest wall of text...

 

Started a post yesterday, had to walk away and apparently lost the entire draft...not much to do about that but it still kinda sucks.

So to summarize yesterday, woke up to another glorious discovery. Short version, tried to brake the password on the tv (failed), had urges to M, during those urges went looking for my vibrator, found it, according to him put it back and decided not to M, had urges to take sleeping meds from me, found the bottle, decided not to take (according to him).

To adress the things, i don't belive he managed to brake the password on the tv. I have chosen numbers totally unrelated to me or my personal life, or close to any other password. So I dont think he figured that out. But in the rare case he did I have changed it.

The urge to M and the vibrator, first of i know he found it and moved it. If that was straight away or not, impossible to prove. I can just see that it has been moved. And if he M:d or not, also impossible to prove. There is no physical evidence to find there (yea i know it could be but not this time as far as i can see). I don't really trust him on this one, half-lies is he's area of expertise so and this seems like one.

The sleeping meds, I got them becouse i need them. It is prescribed to me and not to him. If he truely feels like he needs them he can go and see a doctor himself, you do not take someone else's medicine. This have been a repeating issue, whether it has been sleeping meds, pain meds at the end of my pregnancy. So any prescription drugs you can get high on has to be hidden. And i can't always say that i manage the upkeep on that, I don't take something for a while or he walks in on me taking them out of hiding it's not always my first priority to hide them again. Things come in-between and he finds them.

But yea this behavior is just replacing one addiction with another, even if he doesn't get addicted to the medicine becouse he doesn't take it for an extensive amount of time it's still the same. He feels low becouse he can't pmo, dont want to deal with that so he turns to other things.

So yea more then the fact that like i said the medicin is prescribed to me, and you can't really go to the doctor and ask for a refill "becouse my bf took them all" I don't support the idea of fixing one problem with adding another one. Also don't really belive him on the fact that he didn't take any, when he has done it before. Went as far as go searching for it only to put it back. I think he is relying on the fact that the pills are in a bottle, so I would have to individually count them, know exactly how many it is supposed to be to be able to disprove him.

And recapping what has happened feels tiresome, it takes time and space and i don't know i would rather write about other things then this. But things would also lose context without it. I should also mention that he again sees this as minor setbacks, and strives to go back to normal. Like acting that everything is fine. He is really going by the assumption that he would get yet another chance, and i guess in some regards he's not entirely wrong. He have gotten so many chanses over and over again so why wouldn't I do it again. But to just make the assumption, try to move on to that point without asking for my permission stills feels a bit much.

Speaking of that, to make assumptions I know he wrote yesterday that he had allready lost me. But then again when this has passed over he will start talking about missing me, missing intimacy and generally behaving like we are both in it to fix it. And i have straight out told him that i am not interested in you, I do not really have any desire to fix our relationship. My intentions is to guard my daugther, and when you do not step away from her by your own will (giving me custody) I will stay here and stay in the way of you and p.

I want to say that i intentually does nothing to fix us, but that's not true. If he insist about talking to me, I agree, and i can talk about the future in loose terms. Not regarding us as a couple per say, but what I would want generally in life. Education, work, what I want for my daugther etc. And I guess that could be enabeling in some way.

I do however show no affection, I do not have sex (at this point I can't remember the last time but its months ago), I do not cuddle, kiss or hug. I do not say I love you or that I like him. None of the things a partner normaly would do. When he have tried to force me by hugging me without asking, or fishing for at least one i love you to i do not respond. And i usually tell him why I don't.

I feel somewhat like a bitch writing all that out, maybe I am. Point for me though is to not do something i don't feel comfortable with, and to not enable him and he's ideas of us. I don't want to string him along. But as I said in a previous post its enough that im polite, behaving. If I don't strongly show a negative emotion that is enough for him to belive that im happy. That i like him. And I dont know how to counter that, I don't have the energy to be a full out raging bitch 24/7. And even if i was everyone knows that you shouldn't behave that way around a child.

Another thing (and yea at this point it feels like the longest post ever), we talked some today after putting the child in bed. I brought up some things regarding her, if we should try a different method to get her to sleep or if we should wait this phase out. Like general parenting things. And during this conversation he asked me if everyone gets burst of anger out of nowhere where they want to act out. Like punching a wall, person or whatever.

I tried to ask if they truely come out of nowhere, like are you sure that things are totally fine when this is happening? And I asked something more cant remember the specifics but if he can source some sort of place this anger is coming from. I didnt get any good answers on any of the questions. And the fact that he can snap i am aware of, like he have on one ocation punched the wall when we where arguing. So it's not news to me, I know he has it in him and it scares me. More then I admit to myself. Becouse even when he doesn't punch the wall, screams or things like that i can clearly see the snap inside him. And i know that it's really possible if not highly that he will not be able to hold it back.

This is something i think he should acknowledge too, if it is something he wants to change. You cannot know that you have this potential to act out in anger and not be aware and try to manage it at least. It's not something to take light heartedly.

Sadly the thing I wanted to talk about most today got lost in all of this. I will mention it briefly, the gaslighting that I mentioned the other day and the effects of it. I can feel how I truely sometimes question if he's version or mine is right. Like maybe I'm just imagining all of it, making a bigger deal out of it. Maybe I'm the problem.

And i can feel like whenever I give in to this feeling, just even for a few seconds I start to question every decision I ever make. Like my daugther is fuzzy about sleep, maybe I'm doing wrong in trying to get her to sleep? Maybe I'm reading her signals wrong and she isnt even tired. And this goes on and on in an endless lopehole of selfdubt.

 

So yea about the feeling towards gaslighting, I thought it had to do with previous gaslighting that I felt that way. Like the stupid idiot I am i was being gaslighted the entire time.

The events yesterday that I said I dont think ad up they didn't. He didn't break the password or the tv, probably didn't M (with how the rest of the story goes it makes sense at least of me) but he did take of my medicine. And yea I see that as a logical turn of events, to try to get p, think i might just M. Not wanting to give up the streak but still feeling low turns to getting high.

This took me repeatedly tries to get out of him, lastly now during a 4 hour long conversation he confessed. But before that I knew without a doubt that I had been right, it was so obvious when we talked that he was lying, stonewalling and gaslighting.

Knowing that in my gut didnt make it feel better, becouse the lie at that point could be about anything. So when he finally confessed I got a huge panic attack, or well at the point where he said fine there is more. Then my heart just dropped and I got terrified of what he was gona say, my heart rate started to raise to the point where I can feel my blood pressure. Becouse its so high. That feeling of here it comes, a punch to the gut isn't enough of a description for what it feels like. But i don't know if i got a better one.

But yea to end this, i know now where all the selfdubts comes from.

 

Again the question of where to start... first of i had my first exam today for the course im taking. And it wasn't easy for many reasons, chemistry that this test was on isnt one of my favorite thing to learn. Like I have always liked school, and had good grades. Except for the few subjects I dont find that interesting, chemistry, math and physics.

And i find it boring to the point where I can almost feel myself fighting against learning it. Like I have to tell myself repeatedly to have patience, listen, read and learn. While my mind keeps saying f this, this is boring and a waste of time. So I really have to focus to do it.

Another fun fact I learned is that I began smoking right before university, and have used that to deal with every exam ever. Like if I have been stuck when writing an essay or something like that i have gone out, smoked and then walked back with the perfect answere. To always have the perfect answere is a bit of an overstatement, but yea i have used it to cope, refocus and get the task done.

Problem now is that I don't smoke anymore, I haven't for 2 years ish? And it's not a problem in my day to day life, i don't miss it or feel the urge to go buy a pack. But when I got stuck today, omg I have never wanted a smoke that much in my life it feels like. I hadn't realized that connection between smoking and school.

And my solution is not perhaps the best, especially not when this is a forum for addicts. But i bought a pack, had i laying in front of me, told myself you can have one but later, didn't have one, finished the exam and still haven't had one. I did the same the first time I quit, I had a pack in my handbag for weeks if not months. Didn't touch it and then threw it away. Like the thought of having them calms my mind enough to focus on other things.

Like I said not the ideal way of doing things but yea it works for me.

So to last night I guess, when he told me what he did i stopped talking to him. Refused to talk to him for the rest of the night, didn't text or anything when he worked, and have only talked about things regarding our daugther when he got home. Questions not regarding her i have just ignored.

And yea the silent treatment feels very immature from my side, thats not how an adult handle things. But honestly I feel lost in what to do. No words in any way have any impact. Like I can reason, try to be as pedagogical as I possibly can, I can use treats and intimidation. Nothing and I mean nothing gets through. So my thought is maybe silence does. It probably doesn't, but at least I'm not participating in hes attempt to act like nothing happened. So yea thats where we are atm, allthought I know he is gona try to brake my silence at every turn possible.

I'm still a mess, questioning myself around every corner. Is this decision good or bad? I don't now? I have lost my gut feeling and sense of direction.

I have also lost my appetite completely and have been pushed to force myself to eat. And I have lost about 2kgs in weight this week, and im fairly thin to begin with. Also I belive related to this i had several moments when I studied today when my vision almost became completely blurred for a few seconds. But yea i strongly belive that its related to not eating and living on coffee as my main diet.

Also not at all satisfied with how this post turned out but I think its the best I can do today.

 

I'm a mess, total trainwreck. I keep going between sadness, hopelessness, emptiness and rage. Although the rage, the desire to keep fighting isn't as strong as i would like. Its there but i can feel it fading.

So i started to think about when I was in a similar situation, when I was kicked out of home as a teenager. Kicked out isnt the entire story tho, far from it.

One day it just snapped for me, all the abuse over the years. I dont even know when it began to begin with, it was always present as far as i remember in my childhood. Both verbally, physically and sexual. There could be brakes, sometimes for months. But it never ever stopped.

And that day, my mom snapped on me over something I hadn't done at dinner. I guess it boiled over for her aswell, but she directed it towards me and not her abuser. My reaction was to stand up for myself, said I hadn't done it and that perhaps she was taking out a bad day on me. Meaning that with good intentions but also being a teenager I was probably quite rude about it.

In return my step-dad instantly snapped at me, saying I shouldn't talk to my mom that way etc. As the teenager I was I stormed away from dinner, sulking in my room. Reached the conclusion that f this i will leave until this blows over. A tactic I has used many times before, spending a night or two at my bf place or a friend or something like that. So I packed a few things to bring with me.

But when i got downstairs again, my step-dad took my bag and my shoes and said that I wasn't allowed to leave the house. Thats when it boiled over, a bit out of nowhere. Sure taking my thinks and grounding me is a bit rude, but something any teenage parent could do. He didn't hit me or anything to set me of. But I still had enough.

So i started screaming, at him and at mom. Over everything he had done, how she had protected him time and time again (stopped socialservices from helping me,schools or whatever it was). Always having hes back. And I cant remember spesifict but more or less everything poured out of me. How he never stopped the sexual abuse after I told my mom and she told him to stop. So yea she was aware.

He told me that this kind of accusations was not welcome in hes home, if i wanted to remain in the house I wasn't allowed to speak of it ever again. And I couldn't take that, he was not allowed to take my story from me. So i said f it. I'm out.

Called my bf telling him to pick me up, my step-dad half heartedly tried to take the phone from me. I think he regret today that he didn't commit to taking it. Becouse my bf promised me that he would come. My step-dad tried to call him himself and tried telling him not to come, that this was a family matter that he shouldn't involve himself in. But my bf insisted.

So when he arrived both my parents have actually left the house, mom I dont know exactly why. And my step-dad becouse he was afraid. My bf at that moment was 190, was in shape and during that time in the military. While my step-dad was a quite skinny out of shape 40 year old at 170. So he felt outmatched i guess, my bf was never aggressive so it must have been the physical difference between them that scared him. Anyway I was told that I had 10 minutes to pack my bags and leave. Then they would be back and they didn't want to see me. Ever again.

So we left, in the car my bf mom called him. Asking what was going on, he was living with her during hes military service since he was away most of the time. My step-dad had called her, once again said i should come home and that this was a family matter. This scared the shit out of me, if I didnt have another adults support, somewhere to stay I felt doomed.

So i did the only thing I knew I could do. I told her the truth the moment we got to her place. It was the last thing I could do. If she sent me back, at least I have tried. She didn't however, she believed me and took me in.

But yea point of the story it took a hell of alot to leave. Not just the 10 years plus of built up anger. But to accaully get free from hes grip, when he time and time again tried to manipulate people to get me back. The strength it took to fight that, i can't even describe. Its like fighting an entire army on your own.

He has since this been diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder with the complete inability to feel empathy. So in other words a psycopat. I think it was duing the trial that followed everything, a bit besides the point.

Leading up to that night when I finally said enough I dont know how many times I had thought about leaving. Which adults I could trust if any, if the police would belive me if I ran away to them. Years and years of selfdubt thinking that no one would belive me.

And i can't say I have complete redemption there, that everyone believed me and things turned out great in that regard. My mom has never openly admitted to believing me, she can agree that he was a horrible person. That was abusive, but without specifics. And never ever a word about the sexual abuse.

And court, well they ruled that i most likely had suffered the abuse that i did. Believing my story, but there wasn't enough evidence to support that. So therefor no conviction. All the times there would have been abuse, my mom would refuse to take me to the doctor, or anywhere that would do something.

So that's why again perhaps I find myself wanting desperately to leave. But doubting myself to the point where i belive that no one will belive me if I ask for help. Its the same as when I was little, for every person I can think of i find thousands of reasons why they shouldn't belive me. So i don't try.

And like i said in the beginning I dont have the same energy to fight in me as I did as a teenager. I dont have the strength or anger to decide to fight for my own story no matter what anyone else say. I wish I had, maybe I will again. But not now.

And the stakes are higher this time. Its just not me, it's my daugther aswell. And not just in regards to protecting her. But if I fight and no one believes me, I might end up losing her. And everything I'm doing im doing for her. Without her, I dont see a point in anything. So yea the thought of losing her is terrifying. She is my everything.

And yea im aware that my partner could read this, this does not scare me. He has been aware of my desire to leave him for a year now, i have time and time again said that if we didn't had a child together I would be long gone. I'm only staying for her sake. He ignores this fact completely, in hes own mind i still want to be with him. And that doesn't change no matter what i say.

 

So I feel like this story deserves an end, many have followed my journey and I don't know. I guess I feel like you deserved to know what happened.

Things escalated over a few weeks, almost turned to open warfare at some points. But he kept begging me to stay, for some reason.

With the way things where, the fighting and the relapses I had started to look for places to live. I could feel the ground underneath my feet collapsing. And I thought I had more time, to sort it out. Hoping that I didn't had to go for a panic solution.

But last weekend he relapsed, we argued about it. Nothing really different from how it has been. But mid fight he went to hes mom, was gone for hours to then come home and declared that thing where over. He wanted me out, preferably soon, and he wanted shared custody end of discussion.

Now things are a bit better today, I almost have a place ready to move into. And that foolish idea of shared custody is gone.

But he has also decided to give up, I'm wrong, the entire nofap community is wrong. We viewe the addiction and how it should be handled wrong. Last night he had a long speech about embracing the addiction, and how me having our daughter living with me would give him more time for it. Disregarding us and our history, I find this very sad, to just give up like this.

And i would like to say "but its not my problem", in many aspects it isn't but since we have a child together some of them are.

How this will unfold later, I have no idea. But yea like I said, this story and this journal is over. I will likely journal again, probably not before the move. But it will be a new chapter of life, so therefor a new journal.