The Fantasy

This has been one of my big thoughts over the past few days. About what my sex addiction is all about. Tbh it’s all about the fantasy. It always has been. From the first moment I got the internet, it wasn’t straight to the most vanilla porn possible, it was immersing myself in finding if there was anyone else with the same fetishes and kinks as me.

Over the years that was just solidified. Every day for 7 or 8 years, the same routine, the same searches. It was never just porn. But those kinks and fantasies become part of you, in a way that it is the only way to feel good. By watching, reading, looking, buying and downloading.

The last 5 years took that fantasy and kink addiction to a whole new level with meeting escorts. Never to have sex, only indulge in my fantasies with nearly every single time ending up in the most guilty and depressing moments leaving the escorts place empty, in more ways than one.

That’s ultimately what I need to figure out. I’ll never lose what I like. I don’t think you can? But I need to be disciplined in thinking that that lifestyle isnt acceptable and healthy.

There is good news here. I haven’t seen an escort in over 2 years and been on here and with therapy and other things I’m recovering better then I have done before.

I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

 

Hey @Luvspin68 thanks for the message.

I visited escorts to satisfy fantasies and kinks that I have had for many years. It was sexual but no sex was involved.

Yes, still have those fantasies (can they ever go away?) but they haven’t gotten to the level where I would need to act on them.

I guess there is a shame that I had to visit escorts - spend money paying for porn to satisfy why fantasies and kinks. Like I couldn’t just enjoy them in my head but had to act out. They escalated to points that were so totally unacceptable, unhealthy and just downright wrong. That’s the addition. But I’m getting there.

 

Morning @Luvspin68

I think we would all not want our kinks and fantasies. I think you could ask everyone on here and 90% would say that they would prefer not to have them.

But, saying that, as my kinks and fantasies aren’t completely unrealistic and too bizarre (Then again that depends) but if it was consensual and any future partner was interested and enjoyed it then why not. For me, it’s about not acting out in unhealthy ways, outside of the relationship.

Yeah I do kinda know looking back where it all started (very young). I know I need to continually realise that I can keep a check on things if I really want to. I just have to be diciplined.

 

I think most of what people start off with, especially at an early age is fantasy. It’s imagine the friends mom or like you say, something off a tv show or film. I think lots of people grow out of it and real life situations fulfil that void.

For quite a few though personal circumstances mean that the fantasies evolve and when you then get other means of expanding those fantasies (the internet) it can create a situation whereby all of your energy and focus is spend on getting that fantasy fix.

Like I’ve said, it was never about sex per se, but hitting a dopamine high from those fantasies, fetishes and kinks that I had developed from an early age.

Sometimes I think would things have been different had I gone out with my friends more when I was a late teen rather than staying in? I would have still had my fantasies but I would have been living a perfectly normal ‘vanilla’ existence, having fun and potentially having sexual relationships. But I didn’t. I moved away from social circles and became a recluse for many years. Looking back, those years were incredibly damaging.

 

I have heard that before about writing down my fantasies. It’s difficult because i don’t actually think the vanilla fantasies are that interesting to be honest. Some of the erotic fantasies I have wrote to become stories but I guess I don’t want to dwell on those.

 

Ahh I get ya. Yeah I do feel there are underlying creative juices that I have that I just haven’t bothered to explore.

 

Posted this in my journal but thought it may be wise to put it here too.

The fantasy (delusion of grandeur) vs Sex & Porn Addiction.

This has been on my mind over the last couple of days. If there were two things that you could say made up my personality it would be that I am a quiet guy who likes his own space. A Relatively pleasant introvert who will always help out when needed.

But dig a little deeper underneath all those external barriers and you will find a person with so many internal characteristics that have been built and moulded for many years to create a person damaged mentally.

There are effectively two internal sides to me. One side is the vanilla male who is constantly thinking/imagining about a better life for himself. Imagining alternate worlds where I was/am successful and happy. Wealthy and famous, in a Myriad of different scenarios. These scenarios can change from week to week or month to month, but by and large, it’s me, as a happier and wealthier person. I must admit, I enjoy the fantasy. It passes the time and it allows me to not think about real life issues and obviously I’m going through a big one at the moment, but even in years gone by, in relatively happier times, I would still drift away to these alternate universes.

I guess I bring this up because I feel like when I have delved into P addiction and general sex addiction it’s been at the expense of my fantasy worlds, and vice versa. Recently I have tried my best to move away from any kind of P or PMO and I feel like my fantasies are becoming stronger and stronger and I’m not sure that is necessarily a good thing. I guess this might be because I’m already sad and down because of my marriage and imagining unrealistic things and expectations can lead to a bigger depression later down the line. Reality never lives up to the fantasy. That should be my motto.

But the alternative is much worse. Spending hours upon hours on chat sites, AW and searching and searching for that next P high is the other side of me. A dangerous life of other, darker Fantasies that give me dopamine highs. Fantasies that are more instant and gratifying but lead to bigger lows and feelings of guilt and shame.

I guess both are fantasy worlds. Looking at it bluntly. One is me fantasising about myself as a successful person in real life, whether that be through fame or fortune and the other is searching for P and other things to fulfil my sexual fantasies.

I’ve rambled enough. I guess my question is, is this just who I am? Will I always fantasize, not only about real life situations but will my sexual fantasies also just be part of me and is it for me to try and create a real life that is more influential and exciting/interesting so that I am not having to fantasize constantly