It's Finally Time to Stop

First time poster here.

I've analyzed my PMO problem thousands of times.

I can theorize for hours about why I keep returning to something that I hate.

And yet I don't stop. It's been 13 years since I started masturbating. It's been 8 years since I started watching porn. I'm 27. It's taken so much life, energy, attention, creativity, intelligence, and adventure from me. I don't want to write the same post next year. I want to stop. I want to change. This year has to be the year healing starts.

One of the largest casualties of my sexual struggles has been losing a sense of the beauty and mystery of sex. The sheer, raw, jaw-dropping, absurd, visceral nature of it. I remember how beautiful and dangerous sex used to feel. Now, it just feels banal and mundane. It's a habit instead of a joyous act. I want some of that old feeling back. I want to feel naturally strong and comfortable around women, not like I'm hiding some pathetic frail man behind whatever image I'm able to conjure at that moment.

What scares me is that I don't feel guilty after I relapse anymore. I just feel vaguely disturbed.

I want to be different. I want to be whole. I want to have a family and be strong for them. I want to bring goodness and beauty in the world and never again to be stuck in the small prison of selfishness and shame that is PMO.

I'm in for the Reboot journey in 2021 (even if I'm starting a little late). And I'm grateful to do it with the other folks on this forum.