Girlfriend Porn Paradox

Hello out there! Good to know I’m not alone..

First time caller long time listener. I’ve been somewhere along the NoFap scale for a little while now but never reached out or posted in the community. Longest run on hard mode was for around 2 months but ended with a positive intimate relationship I wasn’t entirely ready for... the backslide came after.

Thing is I lost my virginity late, like 22, so I think my subconscious replaced some fundamental sexual experiences with simulated, virtual ones. ie porn. Has anyone ever thought about the girlfriend paradox? I stopped watching porn with dudes in a while ago, cause who wants to see some other bloke getting what you really want. So girl girl and solo etc.. I started to think of the girls by their ‘names’, I’d find I fancied such and such one night, or another on a different evening. Often cycling 4 or 5 girls. And I started to wonder if the subconscious brain can’t tell the difference between the reality and fantasy. There’s a release of all sorts of chemicals and emotional stimulants etc, maybe the mind thinks it’s achieving its sexual function, so therefore doesn’t try as hard or gets complacent and takes away a lot of drive in waking life. Does my subconscious brain think I’m getting gratified by these five beautiful women?

This has had a deep, subliminal effect on my sex life I think. It’s been fine, and great at times.. but sometimes it’s hard to keep focus and stimulation because it’s not the multi tab stimuli we’re used to. Other times I feel ridiculously overstimulated and ejaculate quickly, often brought on by familiar noises, excitement etc. Ex girlfriends have also found my (deleted) collection and freaked. There’s also a lot more anxiety surrounding actual sex.. something I’ve read about just now is HOCD.. and yup, that too!

Because of the late start to sex I was often the butt of mates jokes.. ‘what, are you gay!?’ Etc, like if I was gay I still wouldn’t have had sex? Stupid.. anyway this has been fed on by anxiety later in life.

I’ve always been romantically and sexually attracted to women as long as my early memories, and the way women are portrayed in the media has also been an obsessive problem.. centrically sex focused. So this constant internal debate that flares up when I stop PMO is ridiculous. Often logical and rational thought will knock unwanted thoughts back, but sometimes not and the anxiety can be overwhelming. I want to shift the focus and rewire my perception more towards what’s natural instead of these illusions and mirrors we create around porn.

Has anyone experienced this?

Today’s my first day in a new attempt, and the first time I have got it all out there.

Remember to be kind to yourselves.. ✌

 

Thanks for sharing. Yes I think I will now as I still experienced problems, and while better after a partial reboot I still had the same anxieties, over / under stimulation and irrational fears.

I was surrounded when younger by friends that had all (supposedly) lost their virgity between the ages of 14-17, so I really felt at the time like there was something wrong with me. And when it did finally happen I brought a load of nerves with it that meant, while sometimes I could let it all go and be there in the moment, often I couldn't.. This has followed me in one form or another through adult life. Sometimes barely registering, others all consuming. It seems when not regularly masturbating to porn, or validifying my feelings, it gets worse but I know that's just my mind trying to get a fix and perserverence is the key.

I actually had a similar experience in 'friends' trying to pressure me with a sex worker in my late teens.. it was a horrible experienece and really knocked back my evolving sexual awareness. I was made to feel like because they all had done it, I should too and it was like some kind of machoness challenge for them.

Completely agree about todays culture surrounding sex and sexuality. In some ways today it's more open than ever, but has also never been more warped. I've no interest in this hook-up culture either and there has to be an emotional connection for me or I may as well not bother.

Thanks for the advice. All the best on your journey.

 

Haha.. yeah fair point.

 

I think it's very important to be with an understanding partner definitely. It really does help to talk with her about anxieties surrounding sex than to bottle it all up. And as you say it's good when she's patient and helps you to relax.. most first times for me pretty much go like that, but as I settle in and gain confidence and comfortability in getting to know her it does get better. I'm trying the mindfulness route in dealing with anxious thoughts and will see after I've given the time to fully rewire.

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles, and hope the road gets brighter for you soon. It's always just around the corner..