My wife considers anything arousing as "porn"

I was addicted to porn for over 40 years. When I got into my current relationship, I did not share that information with my partner. I was not ready to admit I was addicted and, at that time, I never heard of porn addiction. My partner has a genius IQ and was pretty quickly aware of my addiction years before I would finally admit to it. She told me a few times but something finally clicked three months ago, and I started to get curious and started researching porn addiction. That is how I found nofap, both this forum and the subreddit. Yes, my partner's self-esteem also was damaged by my addiction.

First, I would suggest you stop looking at YouTube for a while. I'm not going to suggest you delete your account but stop using it for some time. Porn addiction cannot be overcome in a day. Next, if you have any porn on your devices, delete it. If you have any porn bookmarks, delete them. I don't know how bad your addiction is, but you may need a porn blocker for a while. Stay off of YouTube. There are a lot of music videos where female performers are dressed very provocatively. There is also a lot of what I term, soft porn, on YouTube. If YouTube is your only trigger, this should suffice. A big part of porn addiction is to identify your triggers and avoid them until you have more mental strength. Good luck. I hope you can save your relationship.

 

I was torn on whether to comment on this. Your love life is not my place and I'm hesitant to throw my two cents in. I'm not a relationship coach and I do not know what is best for you and your wife. This is my opinion, please take it as that.

I can understand why she was upset about the bikini babes thing on YouTube and the porn. Its tough to see that your partner is getting off to something that you can never give them. It also sounds like you are putting a solid effort into staying clean. If you made it an entire year and all you jacked off to was "bikini babes" on YouTube, you are doing pretty damn well.

I love this forum and it has really changed my life and helped me with my struggle with porn addiction. That said, I do notice a sort of self flagellation going on when I read through some posts. This feels like one of those posts; a combination of you punishing yourself and your wife punishing you for being a man. There is never going to be a time in the history of the universe that a straight man is not sexually stimulated by a hot girl in yoga pants. Fighting your attraction to hot girls as a straight man is like trying to wrap up water in a paper package. It's impossible. Holding that against yourself, or your wife holding it against you, is not doing anyone any good. You're a dude, that is living the experience of being a dude, and trying to do the best he can when handling the urges and sensations that go along with it.

Be gentle with yourself and understanding. Try and help your wife to be more understanding too. You haven't cheated on her. You are struggling with the sensations and urges that come with the territory of being a man. It is a battle that has existed since the beginning of time. Just read Tolstoy's "The Devil" to get a taste for how ugly this struggle can get. It's an autobiography about his struggles with sexual urges. So far you have done a great a job and you should be proud of that. Im not sure how you should move forward but I hope these words help.

 

I know for myself even, it can be hard to decide when something has crossed the line when trying to stay clean. And of course setting those lines defined with a partner is no easier. I few weeks back someone shared this post with me. It has really helped me clearly define the boundaries. To me, it seems like a good balance but with no grey area. The important distinction I find these commitments make is the "choose" portion. Making an active choice to go watch or look at someone, is different, in my opinion, than something coming across your line of sight. Mostly because making the choice to seek something out is feeding the dopamine monster. But seeing something, and moving on with your day, is different. Hope that helps.

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/one-year-of-no-p-and-no-m.250023/

 

I realize this is your opinion but I disagree. Yes, a straight man will be sexually stimulated by women, BUT if you are in a relationship, you don't masturbate. You use that stimulation and have sex with your partner. I don't think it's bad to masturbate while in a relationship but doing that while laying next to your partner is kinda thoughtless and selfish. I can tell you that when I got into my current relationship, compulsive masturbating didn't stop. It made her feel sad because she's not involved in your stimulation or masturbation. Saying it's just part of being a dude is not true. Women start believing you prefer masturbation to sex with them. They feel abandoned and dismissed. They start comparing themselves with whoever you are looking at on a screen and masturbation. See, masturbation is not bad UNLESS it gets in the way of intimacy with your partner, Try to see this addiction from all sides

How long should women be understanding while they feel rejected? The sensations and urges aren't the problems. The problem begins when you are no longer sexually available to your partner and masturbate while leaving them high and dry. Yes, he's done a great job. Porn addiction is NOT just simply part of being a man. It substitutes having sex with looking at others have sex and you beating off to porn and hurting your partner. I would give this more thought if I were you and really read the stories on this forum.

 

Just like someone who has posted already, I was unsure if I should write this...but then I thought you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want opinions, so here is mine. While I completely understand your wife not wanting you to actively seek out out porn or arousing images of women, the idea that you musn't be aroused by anything but her is ludicrous. I had a girlfriend just like this a few years back and her insistance that I shouldn't be able to find arousal in anything but her made the realtionship extremely stressful for both of us. Luckily, my partner that I'm with now has a more a gounded view of these things.

Here's the thing - men and women, in general, natuarally get aroused by different stimuli. For men, arousal ques are very visual, but for women (and yes I am generalising here), arousal is often much more in the mind. For example, a woman probably won't get physically aroused because an attractive man jogs by with his shirt off, she may notice him and like what she sees, but it's unlinkely to physically arouse her. Now, if an attractive woman in very tight / revealing work-out gear jogs past a man, he will very likely feel a physical arousal response. That's just the way things are. Men and women are the same in many ways but also different in many other ways and it's unfair of your wife to project her own standards of what can be arousing on to you. Yes she can absolutely be pissed that you wathed porn or seacrhed for images of women, but she has no right to outright dictate what you find arousing.

My girlfriend reads sexually charged romance novels. Now, I know that she is probaly getting aroused in some way by those. So do I have the rigth to be annoyed at her for that? It's in her nature to feel aroused while reading that stuff, just as it's in mine to feel arousal if I see a half naked woman. It doesn't mean anything. Similarly, she owns a vibrator which I know she only uses very rarely, but she does still use it. I don't for one second think that when she does she is always and only thinking of me. And quite frankly I don't care what she thinks about during those personal moments, because it's none of my business.

I think you should continue with your commitment to not actively seek out images of other women. But also, perhaps it would be helpful for your wife to do some research (even just watch a few TED talks or something) on how men and womens brains work in terms of arousal.

 

Advice for a start would be don’t enter sh*t like “Bikini Girls” into a search field. Others might say try to figure out why you did something like that. Nice goal but can perhaps become an endless search into the vast universe of human nature.

There are no “tricks.” (My opinion and that only) In fighting my addiction I’ve tried to build the belief that I can summon forth a huge force of resistance capable of standing up to the great power and attraction of sex. That’s likely not something you can do lightly.

I can certainly relate on how hard it is to avoid the temptation of looking at something that by chance comes your way. Walking in the park with your wife and a woman passes in the opposite direction. A whole universe away from porn, but if you turn your head to get just a little bit more of a look, you’re in trouble.

Also, once your partner knows your an addict she’s likely to have a greatly heightened awareness and sensitivity to that sh*t. As an addict, I try to also maintain the same thing. It has to be part of that great force of resistance. You’ve got to be prepared to recognize stuff quickly and not just avoid looking, but actually turn your head in the opposite direction.