SOs - Please Read "My Girlfriend Cheated On Me" Thread in Partners Support

Interesting. It’s a significant contrast from the usual “I hope she can find a way to forgive me, I can’t believe I did so much to her, I need to work to earn her trust back, hang in there buddy we all make mistakes” comments.

Definitely makes you think.

 

Doesn't make a lot of sense. But at the same time it does.

Devil's advocate, people see porn and physical cheating as different. If you had asked me 12 months ago I would have agreed. Now that I've read books on betrayal trauma I know I was wrong and mentally it can be exactly the same.

After being discovered I 100% had the thought - "could I forgive her if she did the same to me?" In the moment I could only honestly say that I didn't know.

Even now I think I could forgive porn, or an emotional affair, but a physical one I'm not 100% sure. I like to think that I could have the bravery she's had, but it's an unkown. I don't think I'd be a "get out you bitch no changes" kind of guy, but actual forgiveness, no clue.

Still, you'd think THIS group of guys would at least ask for context before shitting on her.

 

It's up to people to define their boundaries.

If the guys (and their SO) in the thread say physical infidelity is a no no, its their right but, they have to comply to the same rule.

If the SOs here and everywhere say PMO is no no and they catch their partner indulging, they can leave their partner anytime they wish. No one is forcing them to stay, and branding PMO addicts as confused individuals with double standards is a stretch to me. Battling PMO does mean someone is not a person anymore. As OP stated, she chose to use another dick, leaving is not out there for him (or her).

But to say that trauma is trauma and that porn watching equals physical infidelity in all couples is out there, in my opinion. It's black and white thinking, there are variable degrees of betrayal, even if all betrayal is bad.

I agree the OP sounds responsible for causing the situation, and that he has not come clean himself, but i think his feeling that his gf crossed the line is justified. Just as him telling her his PMO could justify her leaving (if PMO was defined as a hard boundary).

 

Yes, I thought/felt the same way. It’s interesting, let’s use the excuse we’ve all heard from our p, but apply it to her“ she’s an addict, she didn’t mean to hurt you, she loves you”. The sheer fact that porn addicts go to great extremes to hide their secret love affair with their hand and a phone screams they know it’s cheating. Otherwise, why hide it? Why lie? Why not just up front bold as brass say to your wife “ it’s not cheating, I just like looking at beautiful women and coming in my hand at the thought of being with them. Any time you make me mad, I imagine I’m with someone else.” If that hurts you then, then you have a problem. Hmmmm.... but it’s not cheating. It’s just porn.

 

This is something my husband struggled with as well when I asked him if the situation was reversed, would he find himself as forgiving as I had been to him. He said he would have left the relationship a long time ago.

All in all, when you get to the neuroscience behind P, the brain can't tell the difference between fact and fiction. As far as the brain is concerned, a P addict is having sex with all those people they are MOing to. That is one reason, among many, as to why it is so hard for men to quit. Supply and demand: large demand=large supply= reduction of supply= buildup. (Not excusing the behavior by any means). This is also why SO's consider it cheating and seeing it no different than a physical affair.

 

SO's - please read and respond to the thread. I think the OP would really benefit from your perspective.

In the original post, the guy seems to at least have mixed feelings, recognising that he's been no angel himself. But the overwhelming response of "Just leave the bitch, bro" is sickening to read and is, I imagine, resonating with the part of the guy who feels hurt, betrayed and angry.

I'd hate to see the guy throw away a 5+ year relationship over suspected infidelity . . . only to repeat the same pattern in his next relationship.

 

I read it. The hypocrisy is astounding. I refuse to respond. I have zero tolerance for abusive, selfish, entitled men (or women for that matter)...addiction or not. I have nothing constructive to say and the responders are so far into themselves and their drug for any words to have any real effect. If I said what is on my mind, I'd be kicked off the board. Men like that will either choose to continue living as bottom feeders going from hit to hit lying to themselves or will hit a very low rock bottom before they decide enough is enough and seek help.

 

What about the conscious brain? I know from a chemical release, the limbic brain can't tell a difference. But what about the frontal cortex?

I am really struggling with this. My husband, who has been clean for 18 months, keeps telling me it meant nothing. He just wanted the high feeling of going. But I am still sick to my stomach over it. Is it possible for any of these men to just be excited about the image in a passive way instead of inserting themselves as a role play?

 

@used19 I don't know if this helps but it was always important to me that it was porn, not real life. I was not mentally inserting myself in the scene I was enjoying it for what it is. But we're all different.

I remember this use to come up frequently, e.g. @SpouseofPA's 2017 thread is this common (my post's here).

How old is your husband? I think for young people fantasy is akin to something desired in real life, but as we get older we realise there are lots of things we enjoy as fantasy that we would hate in real life. As the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for".

 

I agree with you that with children in the mix it is a different thing, and I also agree that the OP's post is not particularly detailed.

Where I think we differ is I believe it comes down in part to demographics. I assumed from OP's writings that he is 35 or younger, perhaps wrongly, but a lot of people on this site are.

For millenials and generations below, physical infidelity is crossing the defined boundaries whereas porn is often not discussed as a boundary or is accepted (as is the case in my current relationship for example, although I decided to quit on own since I now know porn is rotten).

Also, not to make any excuses on betrayal (whatever shapes in takes), but a lot of people (disclaimer, i include myself in this category so I might be biased) nowadays were raised on porn, didn't have to go buy a magasine or rent a VHS cassette to see it, only needed an internet access. Having no real sexual education whatsoever or parental warning about its danger and seeing hypersexual material everywhere, whole generations have been falling to porn (I know a lot of people and do not know one guy (and only know a few girls) that don't watch it. From what I gather, those generations often go into relationships where porn use is not even discussed or is assumed, and they don't even know porn is dangerous, still they are addicted, however often they consume it.

Now I have been on both end of the spectrum of being affected by porn, having been a consumer myself and also having been denied sex for years because my former SO used to watch it semi-secretly but was also hiding all the extra marital fantasies she was having (and possibly doing). I still won't pretend I can understand the hurt in all nofap SOs' lifes and do not want to make it sound as if I'm dismissing all of your feelings and hurt, I sincerely do wish you all the best. BUT, posts such as your original post and what I have read elsewhere to me is dismissing all the people trying to heal on nofap as "twisted addicts" (I know you did not say that but it's the feeling I got), whereas like I said, lots of people were peddled porn when they were growing up and vulnerable by a screwed up system and by multi billion $$ companies, without having parents good enough to teach them the dangers of it. Now here they are, on nofap trying to heal, just now coming to grips with how big part of the lifes have been stolen by a legally encouraged addiction and they do whatever they can to quit that stuff. They are not just twisted addicts, they are people, and their opinion matters, and if to them, crossing the agreed upon/defined boundaries of a relationship means it's instantly over, well that doesn't mean it's the porn addiction talking and that they lack compassion or are giving up on their SO. The same applies to relationships where both parties agree that porn watching is adultery, of course.

To recap, my point is you cannot lump all the people here in the same bucket, so saying "look at what the addicts are saying and how they want compassion but would not give it away" is a stretch to me. Infidelity has always been a no no in a monogamous relationship, whereas high speed internet porn is newer and affects different demographics, differently.

That being said, I appreciate the healthy debate and hope you have a good day.

 

The two areas of the brain most associated with this are the anterior medial prefrontal and posterior cingulated cortices. It has to do more with relevance than anything. For example, unless you have some type of emotional bond to Cinderella, they will remain a fiction character. If you fall in love to a character in a book, then the link is established and should that character die off in the book, you'll mourn as though they really existed.
If you've ever been curious as to why people get so upset during television shows and characters not acting the way they feel they should, or being killed off, or getting jealous when they marry someone, that is why.
PA develop a state of emotional attachments to these characters they see. When they O, they release oxytocin, which is the "bonding chemical" meant to establish the pair-bond. The more they know about that person, the stronger the attachment. This adds another layer as to why it is difficult to give up P if they've become "bonded" with certain actresses.
From a conscious perspective, are they aware that they are not participating? To an extent and it varies greatly from one person to the next. If your husband says he didn't put himself in the scenario, chances are he wasn't too emotionally involved in it. The prefrontal cortex is the newest development of our brain. It takes 10-15k years to adapt to something, and the internet, television, and books have not existed for that long. This is why our brains are so susceptible to the influences we are exposed to on a daily basis.
Biologically speaking, P addicts, as far as their bodies are concerned, have had sex with these women. This is another layer and why it is difficult to abstain from sexual activity. This also scares a lot of men when they first quit because they think they had a high sex drive because they would PMO several times a day. They also experience a build up because of supply and demand.
Brain science is still in its infancy though, which is also something to take into consideration when reading this.

 

Look iam not trying to be mean or anything , but it seems pretty stupid to me .

Cheating is not some vague concept its very defined , you watching porn , cam girls or what ever twisted form of pornography you undulged yourself on , is BY NO MEANS a valid reason for your partener to heat on you , if your woman had a shred of intergrity and honor she would have left you right then and there and instead she betrayed your trust , she should have stood by your side and ecnourage you on your nofap journey , instead she tries to get some sort of revenge .

You deserve someone who loves you and treats you with respect , good riddance and i hope she never comes back in your life .

Have some self respect man .

 

What if she didn't know that her husband was PMOing? It wasn't an act of revenge.

Are you in a relationship? Are you married? Does your SO know that you are having trouble with PMOing? If she does, you need to suggest to her that she leave you if she had a shred of integrity and honor. She needs to have some self respect.

I am just using your point view to help you in your situation.

 

Definition of infidelity
1a : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner
Porn is having a sexual relationship with someone else.
Watching porn = cheating.
Is cheating justified in either contexts? Absolutely not.
Is one partners infidelity an excuse to commit infidelity themselves? No.

If you read the original thread, the SO is unaware of the OP's addiction so it wasn't an act of revenge. They both betrayed each other, and they were both cheating on each other.

 

Well first of all i wanna ay that watching porn is not a relationship , you are just stimulating yourself and pleasuring yourself , i do think its wrong for your partener , but it does not fit in the definition of cheating .
And i do stick with my original point of view , she should not have cheated on him , and he should move on and that what he needs to do right now .

Also the fact that she cheated on you Op , should be somewhat of a red flag because it tells you that that the kind of people you are attracting into your life , so i suggest doing some reflection on yourself and about potential red flags that you may have overlooked about your SO just because of attraction , these things just dont happen out of the blue , if i were a betting man , she probably said or done something that indicated she was this kind of person and you may have decieved yourself , i wanna stress this point , because i would like for you to pay attention to these things so this can never happen again .

 

Of course he should leave her

if a guy cheating - it`s a guy`s fault
if a girl is cheating - it`s a guy`s fault

Wtf lol. You blaming men for everything and not taking responsibility for your actions. Even if P is cheating in some way, you cannot compare that to making intimacy with a real person. Not even close lol. Research has shown that 98% of men are watching porn, do you really think 98% of men are disloyal? xD of course not. Most of them are loyal and they watching porn becouse they don`t think it`s cheating in any way. Men and women are disagreeing about is P cheating or not. I know exactly reason why. There is small group of men who are agreeing with women but they are really not agreeing becouse they thinking the same. They agreeing becouse they are always agreeing with women, no matter what she says. They are beta males, but that is another topic

Part of male nature is wanting freedom, to explore meny females, to explore life. Part of female nature is wanting to trap men, lock him down in 4 walls and make him watch only her and nobody else. That is why women is afraid that men will watch other girls. Only her thoughts of her men watching other girls is nightmare for her mind, i don`t want to mention if he goes away with them. That is every female`s nightmare.

That is why 99% women will say P is worse then cheating. But when real cheating happens, their reactions are 100 times worse just like they was asking god to prove them they was full of shit

There is however, some women who will agree with us. They have awareness and they rise conscious above their animalistic instintcs, but 99% of people did not do that, so i don`t expect women here to agree with me xD

All others are not arguing with logic and healthy thinking but with animalistic, unconcious instincts. I am not going to waste time arguing with them, becouse that is not worth of wasting even 1 second of time

 

There is so many contradictions here I cannot even keep count. You are an "alpha male" when you leave after things have gone a little south. That's sounds like a "beta male" move to me. You can't handle a little pain so you run away from the source of it. A real "alpha male" will "take the jabs" and work to help the woman grow, to put it very crudely, like you did here. You say people who agree with women are "beta males". That is just absurd. What kind of criterion that? The purpose of human connection is to grow. It is not to live in skewed realities such as you have described here. You are not in the experience of a woman so you have no footing to deny what they are feeling when they are cheated on when their PA husbands choose PMO over intimacy with them.

Your idea of a man is to leave when things get a little rough is completely childish. A man keep's his sh** together when in a relationship. Weak men run away because they get hurt.

 

I`ve been watching a lot of red pill stuff and i know exactly what alpha male means, while you got opinions what alpha male means. You putting women 100 times above yourself to the point where you will reward their bad behavior ( cheating, disrespect, playing with you) you will always stay with them no matter what. That is low value, unnatractive to them and beta male behavior, which will result in them even more doing that things

I`ve been with too meny women and i know exactly what those experiences are when they are acting masculine, wanting to control me, screaming in my ear out of jealously i can`t even talk to other girls, i leave her. Not becouse i am weak but becouse i am not attracted to her and i am going to find a girl who will be more feminine. Google red pill why very stupid men marry, mostly becouse of all the laws which are very unfair to men. No offence, but i am writing this to prove you why i am even responding to you lol

Bye bye bye