Why do I find my wife less attractive?

A first step might be to to separate the thought ("Whoa! Check it out!") from the reaction ("If only...") from the reaction to the reaction ("What's wrong with you man!")

We don't control our thoughts... they just happen. The trick is to become aware of the thought-stream and then shrug it off. It's just thoughts.

Meditation can help, something like the Waking Up app or Tara Brach's podcasts get into this.

Stay strong,

-EK

 

Maybe this is happening to you because your woman is what you could get and not what you really desired, you just settle for her but you think you can do better. Maybe you can do better, maybe you don't but you are not compleately satisfied with your woman. This is going to keep happening to you.
Also it happens to all of us to desire what we cannot have, your woman is already yours, she is easy, but other woman are not, are out of your reach, are imposible, or are prohibited.
You have to really think about it, think about if you are really happy with her or you can be happier with someone else. Also think about her also, how do you feel if you find out your woman is not attracted to you at all and she wishes to be with someone else?
I always though that people should be together while they are really happy to be together but break it up the moment they are not. Instead of been with someone that is not making you happy, i always suggest to be bold and break it up, be single and give you the chance to meet someone new that makes you happy. Life is short to waste it with someone that is not making you happy.

 

I'm definitely struggling with this too. It came as a shock to me how quickly it happened. I've only been married for about 2 years, and before we got married, I rarely ever had attraction to other girls, because I was so satisfied with my girlfriend (now wife). She was the hottest thing I could wish for. I honestly felt like I was in the perfect relationship, and was so ready to marry her. Now, I'm not necessarily the norm. Me and my wife decided to wait until marriage for sex. But, after getting married, I discovered that sex with my wife didn't quite live up to the expectations that porn had filled my head with. And very quickly fell into a downward spiral of feeling dissatisfied and less attracted to my wife. It's even made me turn back to porn, even though I had mostly quit it in the years leading up to my marriage. I hate this so much, and I just want the feelings I had for her in the beginning. I find myself daydreaming about other women I meet (kind of like you mentioned), and I feel sometimes like I wish I hadn't gotten married.

But, the truth of the matter is that no woman will completely satisfy you. Nobody is utterly perfect. It's just our fantasy image of them that's "perfect". If I were to leave my wife and go off with one of the girls I daydream about, it wouldn't be long before I discovered the little imperfections about them, and the initial excitement would eventually wear off. They would become "normal," and part of the every day. Nothing normal can every be as exciting as your daydreams.

I'm trying to combat these feelings, and it's not easy. If I had any advice to offer, what's helped me, is really get in touch with how you and your wife were when you were just dating. Never stop dating your wife, really. Don't fall into mundane patterns of watching tv together and never leaving the house. Take her on dates, have adventures together, surprise her with gifts, make her feel special. It may not come naturally at first, if you've gotten into the habit of taking her for granted. But I can tell you from personal experience that the more effort you put into it, this psychologically reinforces your attraction for her. Your mind thinks, "Well, if I'm putting this kind of effort in for this girl, I must be pretty attracted to her."
The more you do for your wife, and the more effort you put into "dating" her, the more your feelings of initial attraction and satisfaction will return. It's not an overnight fix. I'm still struggling. But I'm convinced that if I quit porn, and start directing that sexual desire in me towards my wife, that is the only way to reverse the effects of porn.

 

Learn to love your wife for who she is, not dislike her for who she's not!

 

I agree with p1n1983 here. Loss of attraction can happen to anyone, independent of porn addiction. I think it would be a fallacy to attribute your loss of attraction to the fact that you are or have been addicted to porn, although it is a possibility. Sometimes people get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Maybe you have changed as a person? Or maybe your wife has? Maybe you are starting to realize who you really are and what you really want without your addiction? Maybe you do just need more time to reboot? It could be a number of reasons, but I don't think you have to force yourself to be in a relationship with someone you don't feel attracted to, you deserve to be happy. Reflect on yourself and why you got together with your wife and how you feel about her. Spend some quality time with her, if you think there is anything of potential, then give it another try and see what happens. If there just isn't any chemistry between the two of you despite your efforts, you should move on and find someone you feel attracted to, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I would respectfully, yet decisively, differ with those suggesting that one should move on if not satisfied in a relationship. Men who leave their wives and families to pursue a novel partner simply on the ill-advised notion that things will most certainly go better for them if they do, are destined for disappointment, and they leave a trail of tears for which our modern society has no good cure. Yes, the grass appears greener on the other side of the fence--but once the honeymoon is over, it will have turned a different shade just as happened the first time around.

The secret sauce for success has more to do with trust in a relationship that comes from honesty and faithfulness. Philandering, womanizing, lechery, or "sanitized polygamy" (the serial "monogamy" of modern society that permits one to divorce and remarry at will) will never satisfy one's own heart's desires, much less the needs of society at large. Marriage should be for life. The integrity of our society depends upon the wholeness of families: when families fragment, so does society.

This old world has but a few groans left. It's coming to an end, and the final events will happen increasingly rapidly. Our society is already so riddled with the diseases (I don't mean merely physical ones) brought on by such vices as pornography, drugs, murderous computer games, laziness, apathy, carelessness, and lustful appetites of nearly every kind as to be almost on the brink of total collapse. Much of this can be traced right back to the lack of unity and love in the home. When people are happy at home, they will be much more well-adjusted outside the home, and it is these happy people who provide stability to the community. Much depends on our own individual integrity in keeping the promises made on our wedding day. It is tempting (though selfish) to think that we have the right to change partners in order to seek a greater happiness, but it seldom works out as we had hoped. And it is neither right nor honest.

Make a decision, and stick with it. Don't allow your mind to entertain thoughts of "what if...." Thoughts may enter the mind without our direct control, but we do control what we do with those thoughts afterward. It is possible, and necessary, to reject those thoughts which would lead us in the wrong direction.

 

The grass has the most green color there where you water and fertilize it.....

 

check on the internet

 

You might be sober but you are not in recovery. Your brain is still in addict mode and attempting to seek the dopamine hit from 'new' and 'exciting' sources. Therapy with a csat and joining a 12 step program would be very beneficial.

 

Join the club. I'm in the same boat. And my wife was my only and first sexual partner. Good thing she is very understanding. The trick really is just to think something positive and focus on other things.

 

I think this is SPOT ON. We tend to, as men, like the thrill of seeking a woman out. We have to prove our love to her in hopes that she'll love us back. This is all very new and exciting during the dating stage. In marriage, however, we don't feel the need to pursue our wife anymore...we married her, so there's no need, right? Thd goal has been accomplished. That, mixed with living with someone in general, which allows you to find faults with ANYBODY, leads to distance. If you don't act now, and mix in habitual porn use, it could be disastrous for a marriage. I know what you're feeling...it's a natural thing in marriage. To me, I am helped by thinking of marriage and love as a choice. I think love is really a verb, not a noun. Love is making the conscious decision to be with your wife every day, even on those days you don't feel connected. Thay commitment is what's beautiful. Obviously it's different for everybody, but I agree that if you start dating your wife again, you'll rediscover all of those things that made you crazy for her to begin with.

 

I should add: porn and our sex-centric society lead us to lust after women for their looks, alone. Your wife is so much more than that, but it can get lost in that skin-deep lust. We have to rewire our brains from decades of training towards lust, so don't beat yourself up too much. Just asking questions, trying your best, and being honest with yourself are great steps towards a win-win for you and your wife.

 

I’ve been through the same sort of thing myself. Reconnecting with your wife is the key. You have to sit down and talk openly about how you feel the connection between the both of you doesn’t feel as strong and you want it to change. I guarantee it’s not just you feeling that way.

You need to create a safe space where you are able to discuss everything that’s on your mind. My wife and I went to a relationship counsellor and we now set aside time every night to talk through the day. It was a pain in the arse to begin with but after a bit of time it leads to having some great conversations and my attention for her sky rocketed.

I went from looking at all other women and imagining being with them to rediscovering my wife and she started to really turn me on. I was surprised at the power and attraction that was still hidden in there.

The conversation we have every night follows a structure. It’s good to follow this structure for a while until you get used to opening up with each other again, and once you do you can keep it a bit loose.

Here are the topics we cover each night:

1. What has your partner done today that you have noticed and appreciate? (It can be anything)

2. New information - what’s happened today that you haven’t shared with your wife. Doesn’t matter if you don’t think it’s that interesting but just share your life.

3. Puzzles - What’s been on your mind today, what’s been puzzling you? What are you struggling with? (E.g. I feel like we’re not as close as I’d like us to be)

4. Requests for change (this is the difficult one): What about your partner really bugs you and you’d like to discuss changing. It can be the most trivial thing or a serious one. It can lead to arguments but the hard conversations are worth having. If for example your wife always forgets to do something that annoys you, that annoyance builds into resentment and eventually hatred. Those thorns need to be removed.

5. What are you looking forward to.

these 5 questions will lead to arguments, but that’s good as it shows your fighting for the survival of your relationship. The key to this process is to keep an open mind and try not to be drawn into a defensive mode. Listen to each other and plan a logical solution. Both your opinions are valid.

It worked wonders for my relationship and I believe everyone should do it.

 

These conversation topics are gold, thanks for sharing.