The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 1.

Suffering the effects of the recent relapse, but with stronger defenses.

Thanks!

St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.

 

Day 5. Saint Francis of Assisi Pray for Us.

 

Check in day 49

I have reached the Doors of Durin, the West-door of Moria.

Doing well and enjoying a porn free 2021. Let’s keep it that way.

Stay strong brothers!

 

That's a cool goal you have ! You can practice on a treadmill with 3-4% elevation for 11 miles . Today is a payback time for me - I can hardly walk downstairs I give it a break for today and tomorrow and maybe have a run after tomorrow.

 

Day 19. I'm a happy little hobbit.

 

Day 105 complete

 

Awesome! I love it! Great job!

 

Day 274.

 

Coming out of a relapse realizing that I pushed myself too hard, which had a root in an inflated ego and a lack of self-acceptance. I have tended to put a huge amount of pressure on myself too quickly - a cycle of stress and burnout that I'm starting to see play out over weeks' time. It's disappointing to see how I failed myself, but I'm still here and will keep building each day. Here's some analysis:

The context: I was working in my office alone. Usually I have work to communicate with a team about, but this day, I'd decided to work on a big new project that's solely my responsibility. There are quite a few legitimate reasons for me to feel a high amount of pressure about this project, but I will admit I went into this day unprepared to deal with that aspect, thinking, "I just have to work on it." In hindsight, I've nearly slipped before with this mindset. I was sitting there not knowing what exactly to do and unconsciously beating myself up for it. Then to top it off, I hear this guy, who has a history of provoking negative feelings in me and who I try to avoid if at all possible, come into the building.

The critical rationalizations: "I can't go downstairs now because I can't talk to this asshole. I can't get caught journaling at work. I have to stay on my computer. I don't know what else to do." All of a sudden I start discovering opportunities to slip. "These aren't anything wrong. This is new." I was feeling trapped inside myself and thought I'd made too much progress to fall back into it. Each little transgression contributed to further rationalizations throughout the evening as I lost a mental/emotional battle with myself.

The lead-up: Since Jan 2, I've been struggling with sleep and managing pressure at work. I've made a lot of improvements in these areas since starting the program, but they're still the biggest external factors that challenge me, and they both affect each other. December was actually a bit easier on me because I was working from home, could sleep, and wasn't within earshot of people. That all changed with the new year.

The tools & response: What could I have done differently that day? I could have journaled. That probably would have been effective in shifting the mindset I had leading up to the slip. What can I do now? From now on I will be focusing more on developing my self-talk about my own insecurities and weaknesses.
Yesterday I started a review of all of my "projects" and commitments, and will be prioritizing recovery, sleep optimization, and guided self-development, and streamlining my approach to work projects.

 

Day 19 trod on

 

You got this!

 

Day 11. Starting to grow some hair on these ugly uruk-hai feet I think...

 

Day 3 finished

 

Day 152.

The moment you decide that PMO is not an option 100%, no worry, no fear, no doubt, none of that, there will be no choice in your daily activities. Whatever causes a "disturbance" you will get away. Your brain will rise up!

 

Checking in friends

No PMO - Day 69 - 1 day to becoming a Warrior, thanks be to God.

Exercise - Slow jog with intervals

Cold Shower - Yes

Reflections - Gain over Loss - seeing the self confidence, stability, ability to handle stress, capacity for work that are gained with abstinence versus the nervous sick tension that PMO brings

However, to ground me and stop any feelings of complacency, 70 days is still only 14% of the way to destroying the ring. This is an ultra marathon not a sprint or even middle distance. So I need to keep the focus and accountability.

Mindful Breathing - connecting to the core, trying to soften my heart so I can forgive myself and feel compassion towards others

Practise BRACE - Not today though there were some slight urges due to a stressful situation in work from a boss who is a bit nuts unfortunately

Procrastination - I rebelled against the situation with my boss by doing tasks that were not really category 1. However they needed to be done and today is a quiet day. Also had to field itty bitty questions from her which took up most the day. I pray that this situation ends soon as it is really making me angry which is not good almost 10 weeks into abstinence

Vanity - Not today. Not quite the humility of the Hobbit that I am striving for, but not the ugly neurotic Gollum vanity of the false tricksy self image either

Acting the idiot, boasting, blather - a lot of distraction today for the reasons mentioned above, also had to vent to colleagues about my situation, I will rein this from now on

Study about the reboot - Facing & embracing the emotional pain, rather than medicating it

Challenge daily your excuses to pmo - "I'm so frustrated due to abstaining" - I wonder if I actually allow myself to be frustrated as a subconscious trick to give myself an excuse to relapse at a later date. Also if I come across a stressful situation, I tackle it as if I was tackling the same situation without the energy I have from abstinence, so I give more energy to the frustration, instead of channeling the new energy into the solutions, or at least into forbearance and patience. As mentioned before we have new energy and it is up to us to create new habits to utilise this, and not just physical habits but mental ones as well. So for me now this will be focus, concentration and patience

Follow a triggers prevention plan - early to bed early to rise. getting off sugar slowly but surely - also BRACE as it is inevitable there will be triggers, especially after lockdown

Why am I doing this? -Life is for living, it is not for escaping from, and it is not long but short - I choose to face life to embrace it, to live it to the full

Freedom Fight - Moving to weekly, so it will last throughout this year:

"I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." Romans 7:18-25

Commitments for tomorrow - Humility, No PMO, Extinguish all lustful fantasy before they are even a flame, Be Humble - a Hobbit, any time I see a fault in another think of my own faults (of which I have infinitely more examples), No bitching or complaining, Connect to my tasks, Connect to my vulnerability by being reserved and quiet; Be vigilant of thought, word and actions; Be very aware of danger, pitfalls and most importantly do not take my eye off Gollum....

 

Super post @americanbison - Completely agree with the prioritising of recovery and rest (which is accepting our vulnerabilities) and self dev. I had a chance to do a part time one year course, which would have been really good for my career, in Jan, but canned the idea in favour of prioritising this recovery process and connecting to my real self for this coming year - so I completely empathise with what you are saying here and it's great to hear how committed you are too. Keep Going Brother!

 

Thank you for continuing to lead the way @Johnthesavage !

 

Thank you for your prayers

St. Pio & St. Claire please pray for us all!

 

Thanks again for your prayers