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A journey to save my marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Wayne the Train, Jan 22, 2021.

  1. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    I’m going to just give the brutally honest reality to what happened that has broken my marriage. This past Sunday I was on the road away from my family. I was extremely happy in the morning and middle of the day sending huge long texts to my wife about how proud I was of her and how much I loved her and how I wanted another baby. And then I don’t know how to describe it other than my mind just shifted and slipped and like I mentally just snapped. I suddenly wanted to drink myself to death. I wanted to throw my life away. I started drinking heavily. I got online on my phone and started looking at porn. Then I ended up finding a woman online that wanted to meet up in exchange for money. I tried repeatedly to pay her but the charges kept getting declined. I felt so disconnected from myself like I was not the one in the drivers seat and I was just watching myself through a window. My wife thought someone had stolen the card and was trying to get a hold of me. She even got someone at the nearby truck stop to knock on my door to see if I was okay. It was like my head was just starting to come back above water when I called her and I acted like I didn’t know what was going on.

    The next morning we talked more and she knew a good bit of what was going on and wanted me to be straight with her. I knew I had hurt her and I didn’t want anything to be real. I kept trying to bargain with myself that it was a horrendous nightmare and that I just had to wake up. She kept dragging answers out of me and I kept giving answers I wanted to be true but kept finding out what happened was real.

    It took me three days of joining nofap, two therapy sessions, and an increase of my depression medication to come to grips with the fact that I had done that and it was real. Even if I felt disconnected and out of control and suicidal I guess, I had still done this to her and my family.

    I feel so much pain and anguish with myself. I want nothing more than to go back and stop myself. I don’t want to throw my life away. I don’t want this. I want my family back. My wife is so hurt and angry and I don’t blame her. I will do absolutely anything I can to fix this. I don’t know if I can but I’m going to try.

    We are going to a counseling session together in two days. I want to show her I can heal from this addiction. I am committed to fixing our marriage and repairing her trust. I can’t stop crying and having panic attacks about what I’ve done.

    If any of you on here see this and have any advice at all, please give it. I need anything I can get. My wife and daughter are my world and I don’t understand how I could do this to them.
     
  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Has anything like this happened before in the past? Where you felt disconnected and suicidal?
     
  3. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    Not like this. I’ve felt suicidal once before about 8 years ago and wanted to kill myself but didn’t actually do anything and ended up getting help at the time. To actually lose control like this and act out self destructive behavior is new.
     
  4. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    You mentioned being on antidepressants. Are they new? Different dose? How long have you been on them?
    Also, was there anything you ingested shortly before this happened that was new or unusual? You said you were on the road when it happened. I'm wondering if it had to do with an extreme imbalance of something.

    The last time my husband experienced something similar (where he felt disconnected and suicidal) was after he relapsed and before he told me. There was a whole lot of other things going on at that time, so it wasn't just the relapse that caused it. He almost drove into oncoming traffic and had to pull over to the side for almost an hour to calm himself down.
     
  5. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    I had been on the medication for about 6 weeks prior to this event. Dosage hadn’t changed but my doctor just increased my dosage this past week after Sunday’s events. I wasn’t on antidepressants prior to this medication. I didn’t ingest anything different except for the vast amount of beer I consumed in a short time period. I’m thinking I had let too much emotional issues build up and I just snapped.

    I was on the road but I was stopped at a truck stop for my weekend break. I think it was a combination of a lot of things: I’m the sole income provider, I work 80-90 hours a week, I’m away from my wife and baby girl 3 weeks at a time, I’m alone the whole time I’m gone, other extended family issues that have built up, just moved into a new but more expensive apartment. I have spent the majority of my life quashing my emotions and thinking I have to be Superman. I never want to burden anyone with my issues. I want to be the one that puts my family and friends on my back and helps get where they want to go even if it means great personal sacrifice.

    But I’m learning I have to lean on others around me or it will never work. My wife and I were able to go to a couples therapy session together today and will be going for the foreseeable future. I also need to find another therapist for myself long term. I’m slowly realizing this is going to be a very long road to recovery. I just don’t want to make any missteps along the way. My wife doesn’t trust me (rightly so) but I want to repair our marriage and rebuild trust. I want to be able to once again wake up under the same roof as my wife and daughter when I’m home.
     
  6. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    Today I had to go back on the road. My wife sent all of two texts the entire day. I know she’s pissed. I know I can’t fault her for being angry. The silence in my head became deafening tonight and I called her because I needed to hear her voice and she ignored my call after one ring. She texted me just a few minutes ago that she doesn’t think she wants to fix this. I immediately began to feel the heat in my chest signaling a panic attack. Still sitting on verge of one. She’s been my world and we have an incredible journey together to this point and I want to die because I’ve hurt her to the point she’s not sure if she wants to see this be repaired. I don’t want to die because I still have a daughter and I of course want to see if I can still find a way to fix my marriage. But the distress and pain is sitting on my chest like an elephant. I don’t know what to do.
     
  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Have you talked to your therapist about how you felt disconnected or disassociated from yourself during that time? I'm wondering if there is more going on in your brain that you're not aware of and that was sorta a warning of something medical. Were you aware of what you were doing to the point you could have stopped yourself, or was it "I already made it this far, may as well continue" type of thing?

    When I look at personality disorders that may explain it, most require that someone experiences them for a year or so. There is one that can occur spontaneously and only happen a few times in a person's life. The key would be figuring out at what point during that episode that you became aware of what you were doing and had the ability to stop yourself from going any further, if that makes sense? This is definitely something to analyze and discuss with your therapist, and possibly a neurologist as well.
     
  8. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    I mentioned it but I have extreme distress in regards to potentially losing my wife. She makes me so happy. And I hurt her. I probably do have a mental issue. I remember not being able to stop much less being able to rationally think. It was just unstoppable destruction. I have to get another therapist for just me. But I don’t think I can figure this out soon enough. My wife is so angry today and doesn’t think she even wants to fix anything. We’ve only done one session. I need to try. I don’t know if she’ll try now though. So depressed I can’t even cry or lift my head
     
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    If I were in your spot right now, I would start doing everything I possibly could to get answers, get better, and get myself into recovery. Whether or not it works out, these things will still be needed.

    She may need some time to cool down and think about things. The last time my husband relapsed, I took off my ring and told him that was it and we were done. We are still together. It took me nearly 2 weeks to really think about staying or going. What keeps us together is his active participation in his recovery, his initiative to fix himself, and his constant drive to do better every single day.

    You can't change what happened. It is done. You can change the future. Find a therapist for yourself, attend group meetings, do whatever it takes to get better. P usage more than likely contributed to that episode you had. The copious amount of stress you're under likely caused it to happen. But there could also be an underlying medical issue as well.
     
  10. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    I am throwing myself into everything available. I am working on finding a second therapist just for me. I am calling in to sa meetings. I am active on this forum. I have made it a week in my first ever reboot.

    I know she is angry and has every right to feel that way. She said things last night that devastated me. She called and apologized this morning. I just feel very intense emotions towards her in terms of love and loss.

    I just want to get better. I’ll do anything she asks of me.
     
    DefendMyHeart likes this.
  11. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    @Wayne the Train

    Put your life into your hands. You don't necessarily have to put your wife's life into your hands, that is just "icing on the cake". You can't directly change how she feels and dwelling on it will not help you, action will, which is what you are doing. What will help you is when (not if) you 100% take care of you as a person, as a husband, as a father. Once you have a grasp of your life the lives of your family will blossom as well.

    Your mentality is extremely important in your new recovery journey. Act out of love, act out of caring, and act with your goal in mind. This is opposed to acting against your past self, acting angrily against yourself, scolding yourself, etc.

    I wish you healing. You are a good person, it shows in your reflections.
     
    dandausa likes this.
  12. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Wayne -

    I've been close to where you are. Different stories and details, same feeling in my chest.

    It sounds like you're being repentful. And that you're taking positive steps.

    Is it OK if I throw some hard truths your way someone did for me a while back?
     
  13. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    @eagle rising

    Thank you. I know that ultimately I have to take care of myself or nothing will work out. I just feel very deeply towards her and the idea that I can win her back, whether true or not, is a strong motivator. Obviously being a father and being a part of my daughter’s life is a strong motivator too.

    @Trobone

    You can throw hard truths at me. I can’t promise I’m necessarily in the right headspace to like them or really listen to them but you can tell me regardless.
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  14. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    My hard truth, which someone told me early on, is that I needed to accept the reality thay my wife might leave me, and you do too.

    Being repentful and everything is great - but we have hurt our partners greatly, and sometimes no matter what you dowill be enough to save the relationship.
     
  15. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    I understand. I’m not at a point where I’m willing to accept that but I do understand. The thought that I have the potential to save my marriage gives me a lot of strength. I know that presents a dangerous game with relapsing if she does indeed leave me. But right now clinging to that idea that I can repair this helps me tremendously.
     
  16. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    Getting ready to complete my 9th day. My is seeming to feel a little optimistic that our relationship can be repaired and return to somewhat normal. A lot can happen still yet but I feel hopeful.
     
    DefendMyHeart and eagle rising like this.
  17. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    My wife thinks that things can go back to normal and thinks that we will not separate. She still has a lot to work through emotionally over what happened I know but her saying those things give me hope. Our conversations have been much more normal today and yesterday. We have couples therapy on Saturday which should help more I hope. Her immediate family absolutely hates my guts right now which is putting extra strain on my wife.
     
  18. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    We have a couples therapy session today. I’m hoping it goes well. Things between us have been going well this week. It’s hard being on the road away from my wife and daughter. I’m able to take care of them but it’s just hard. My wife has been FaceTiming me this week though which helps a lot. I can see her face and see my daughter. I just want things to keep improving.
     
    DefendMyHeart and eagle rising like this.
  19. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Please take this not as advice but just as an observation, and you can totally ignore this, from reading this thread one thing I would consider is figure out how to change your life so you don't need to work 80-90 hours a week but instead 40 hours a week is sustainable. You do not need to be Superman and you should not try to be Superman. We are broken people who aren't meant to carry the world on our shoulders.

    Also, don't put pressure on yourself to change everything now but maybe have it as a two year goal see if you can get your life to a sustainable level over the next 2 years.

    Please don't feel bad. Just a thought. Saying this because I want you to have a good life.
     
  20. Wayne the Train

    Wayne the Train Fapstronaut

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    The job I have requires me to work the hours I do in order to make the money I need to support my family. My wife is going to school and taking care of my daughter while I’m out on the road working. I took this job after I got laid off twice in 3 months and my wife was pregnant. Ideally, I’ll finish my two year commitment to this company and go find something local.

    I do have to learn to lean on others more and not put so much pressure on myself but that will take time to learn. I have a lot of work to do and it won’t get all done right away you’re right. But when I broke her heart, I broke mine as well and I’ve felt desperate to put us back together. I love her and I just want to make it better. That’s just how I am.
     
    dandausa likes this.

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