Internet history exposed...possibly

I have a growing fear that my sister in law has seen my internet history and I have escalated to watching not only straight but transgendered and even gay porn. I really think she saw what I was watching and told my fiancées side of the family. I think this would devastate her. I don't know what to do. I am so embarrassed and I feel the walls closing in. I just think her whole side of the family just thinks I'm gay now and im waiting for them to just tell my fiancé but they haven't yet.

I do want to say that I know I could never be with a man or a transgendered person. I have no problem whatsoever with anybody who is gay or transgendered I know im very much attracted to women and could only be with a women.. I just guess my porn was escalated and I was curious, but her family isnt the type to believe in something like escalation and would just judge me as being gay. Also, if my fiance found out I know it would hurt her. She may eventually understand because she knows I love her, but the whole situation is just bad. I am constantly triggered when her family is around and we used to get along so well.

I've posted about this before and don't want to ramble, but I just don't know how to handle this. I have stopped watching porn but its always in the back of my mind that they just see me different now. This is gonna sound crazy, but I literally think my sister in law is leaving gay hints around the house when she comes over. She works from home with my fiance(they work for the same company) and at her desk there is a note pad and I swear she is leaving dick shaped drawings on it. Like they aren't actually dicks but it's like she's trying to tell me something. I know....crazy sounding, but I can't help thinking that way. Another instance is that she has and her husband always bring up conversations that involve talking about gay people or making fun of them or something of the sort.

I don't think I should tell my fiance, but if her family does know, I wonder if they would say something. I'd rather tell her then them. But then again I really don't have proof which is why I can't say anything.

I have gone to a therapist about this but due to money I had to postpone it. I am now looking for another therapist I can afford and hope they can help me out.

I really feel stuck like I'm falling into a depression. I'd appreciate any advice with all of this. Thanks everyone.

 

Ok, you think I should just tell her that I had a problem with porn and about the escalation and everything. I do feel like she would understand if I explained it, but I think it really would hurt her. It would at least take her a long time. I have thought I wanted to tell her for so long.

 

You're right. I haven't taken it serious enough. I was doing good the last time I posted, no pm...my fiance and I still had sex. But since then I started watching porn again, only straight porn, but I know I need to stop. It's been a few weeks now. It could be the cause for my freakout. I know it seems irrational to think they know, but idk it just feels like they do...I really do need to stop watching porn and keep it consistant.

 

I feel you, I'll just stay sober for now. Thanks man.

 

I appreciate the feedback. I'll definitely keep going with nofap.

 

There are a number of occasions that make me think they know something. One example is when my sister in law was living with us, they had kinds toys all over the place and one of them was finger paint thing you can write on and then it erases. Well one morning a came out of the room and it was sitting on the chair with with word gay in bold and underlined. Like it was for someone to see. I don't know why someone would just do that. I could be overthinking but it seemed odd at the time. Also, just recently actually, after my sister and brother in law came over to visit. I found a piece of foil in the freezer shaped into a dick and balls. Writing all this makes me think I'm crazy now, but this is what goes through my head. I just have a strong feeling they know. I will admit that I could be paranoid but man it feels like they are messing with me...

 

I don't want her to find out about my porn use, especially from anyone else if that would be the case. I do love her so much and I have always respected her, but I'm only just realizing my problem since I feel like I've been caught. I know that sounds selfish. Its like a rude awakening and I don't want to hurt her...that's the last thing that I want. It's hard to know exactly what to do.

 

I want to do the right thing here, its either I tell her or I don't and Iearn to let this paranoia go.

 

I appreciate all the feedback...I can see there are two different points of view here. Trust me I have been torn over this for a long time. All I can say is I'm done with porn...I don't want to use this shit anymore. Thats what I feel I can do now. Just stay away from it and be consistent. I am not going to confront anyone. I'll just stay strong. Yes my fiance knows something is wrong. I think that telling her my problem with porn/sex addiction is the right thing. I won't go into detail, but I don't want to lie about my problems especially because it's effecting us both now. I really need to get back into therapy.