The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 25 trod on!

 

Day 240

 

Day 197

 

Day 280.

 

Day 18,

Keeping myself accountable, I did fish a bit today (~2 minutes) and kept to SFW lewd images. Not proud of myself for slipping in this way but not calling it a reset. Will resolve to stay strong in the days to come since the urges seem to be swelling up. I intend to keep a mindset of kindness and compassion

 

I have only ever made it as far as just becoming a Hobbit, and then relapsing again. However, I have stayed porn-free for a long time now (I would have to look it up-- I think a couple or a few months); and I am working on masturbation with my counselor. It is very embarrassing for both him and me to have to talk about my wanking every week, but I need to be rid of this habit. I want to spend my energy on my wife's and my relationship, not my hand.
Anyway, here I am at day zero again, checking in.
Wish me luck once again!

 

Day 1

 

Day 2

 

Yes that's true and I think it's a life-long battle where white wizard is more like an initiation and a taste of what we are fighting for.

 

Day 6 complete! I become an Uruk-hai bearing the mark of the White Hand! I feel stronger and faster but I'm still a slave of PMO evil. A desire arises to break free from its chains.

Annella Zervas, pray for us!

 

Brothers here is some inspiration for you:



...and by the way that's true about all four but my wording would be a bit different !

 

You are like good wine and your accountability posts to the brotherhood are getting better and better over the passage of time !

 

... and yet it is a double edged sword. It may encourage and motivate you to show your best qualities because no one wants to be seen as weak,immoral failure, but when you are alone it's so much easier to do something shameful which you would never do if you would thing that all the people in the world are watching you at this very moment. Brothers, don't think you are alone, cos you never are. You are inseparable part of God and humanity and everything in the universe is connected even if you can't see how. And you can't see exactly because of this kind of alone and separate kind of thinking which is based in shame, sin and vices. This evil confines your consciousness and denies your birth right to be a part of everything. Stay strong in righteousness and you will never feel alone.

 

...well said! ...and just to add a bit:
Don't see you journey to lead PMO free life as a streak, you quitted it once and for all , you are free from it from that very moment and don't believe anything else. As for the fight with urges -it's rather a lifetime battle than days and years ,although I suppose after few years clean we will appreciate this freedom so much more and it will become easier over time.

 

Day 32

Apologies for missing my normal time to post this update - work has been absolutely manic these past few days!

I’m so shocked by my progress; I am of course still experiencing bouts of temptation and the occasional urge, but something has finally clicked - I no longer want to MO, even without P! My body feels different, my confidence has improved, my anxiety has decreased, and I can only expect this to get better as my reboot continues!

I was also reminded of the value of accountability partners! I informed my long-running AP that I was currently on the longest streak of my life, and he surprised me by bringing me a few craft beers to my doorstep as a ‘well done’! I was incredibly touched that he went out of his way to congratulate me, but most importantly it made me realise the value of continuing this reboot, as it can only improve things further!

 

Day 56. Woke up with my alarm this morning after a good night sleep.

I took the plunge and approached a girl at the gym last night. The interaction was super awkward but she did give me her number. I have definitely reached a different level of maturity with my approach to dating. I am not sure if it is my age or the 90 day no PMO reboot. I feel less affected by the prospect that this girl could eventually reject me if I text her. She could not respond altogether or the number could be fake. This idea used to really bother me in the past and I would do everything in my ability to try and win her over and get her in bed. I would do this even if I did not like her or find her particularly attractive. I would put her on a pedestal and try and gain her acceptance. This desire for acceptance would be extremely intense sometimes. At its worst, I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else in my life. I would push everything else aside in the attempt to pursue her.

In hindsight I think most of this need for acceptance was fueled by my porn addiction. In porn every girl accepts the guy. Every girl is 100% willing. There is no uncertainty around this. She is there to please the man and does not show any resistance. I believe that this wired my brain to think that this is how it was supposed to go. When a girl would reject me I would beat myself up and quickly try and seek out another girl to make up for the feeling. Once I did find a girl and we had sex, it would be unsatisfying and I would no longer need her approval. This goes back to an earlier post where I talked about my expectation that girls are there just to please. A thought pattern that was also fueled by my porn addiction.

In reality, not all girls are going to accept you and be perfect in bed. Just like real sex, real interactions are messy and awkward. They are never going to feel like a script where everything said is 100% perfect and both people take there clothes off and have sex on the spot. Porn has warped so many different aspects of my dating life that I was never aware of. My expectations of the initial reaction, the expectation that she will not reject me, my expectations that there has to be a sexual spark or connection in every interaction, my expectations of her in bed, my expectations of how satisfied I would feel after the sex. All of it was unrealistic. At first I thought porn was only impacting my ability to enjoy sex when in fact I was leading a dating life that was rout with disappointment, fueled by my habitual use of pornography.

 

Good morning! Checking in on day 15! Time for me to move into a hole in the ground....never been more excited! Haha

 

day 8

 

You ARE consciousness my brother(that is your true nature) which dreams of being the body.Everyone will wake up from this dream when they leave this body behind.
...and there is evil-It's all the harmful , hateful thoughts and believes you cling to feel yourself separate from others for the Good is in the thoughts and beliefs of unity, interconnectedness and love which are expanding you to your real unlimited size instead of being confined in I and me and mine.
And you biblical free will in reality gives you a choice between Evil and Good as of thoughts and beliefs you bear in your consciousness for they do determine your feelings and actions as their fruits.

 

Hello all. I will join this at 10 days in as a black Uruk, not goblin scum! I serve Saruman