Observations after my first official 30 day streak of no PMO

Hey gang,

I started nofap in early Nov 2020 after discovering/accepting that I have been suffering from PIED. Since then, I've had a couple short streaks and one three week streak of no PMO. Between those streaks, there have been about 6-8 MO resets and 3 PMO relapses (very brief "sessions"). My last PMO relapse was on Xmas day 2020. Not even a peek since.

I recently made it to my first streak of 30 days no PMO (probably closer to 32 or so, as I don't really like being hung up on counting exact days). Just wanted to give a progress report for any who may find it helpful/interesting. My full story is posted in the PISD section so I'll try to keep this post strictly about my progress/observations. (Warning: I like to write so this could get long and wordy. Feel free to skip that which you don't find important/interesting.)

Disclaimer: Right after making it past this recent 30ish day streak, I had an MO reset. I didn't use P, though. I don't really think it was a huge setback (mostly because of the fact that it was not even that pleasurable). However, I wouldn't recommend it, nor do I plan on making a habit of it.

Shit I do (relevant to nofap):

• Yoga (daily)
• Meditation (daily)
• Breathwork (3-4x weekly)
• Interval training (5x weekly, full body w/ rest days)
• Cold Showers (4-5x weekly, no warm showers ever)
• Journaling
• Reasonably healthy diet
• Active time outdoors (with respect to our current world situation)

Flatline:

Almost instantly after my last PMO relapse (12-25-20), I went into a flatline. It was a really challenging challenge. It felt pretty standard to what is commonly described by most. Mood swings, depression, insomnia, brain fog, bewildered penis, toaster in the bathtub thoughts...all that shit. I found it really difficult to find motivation to do most things. I would have brief moments of inspiration/joy but they were fleeting. Speaking of fleeting, let's talk about my boners. My boners, along with my libido, were pretty much non-existent. Thankfully, the flatline provided a period of almost zero cravings. It was awful at times but I managed. It seemed to have lasted about 21-24 days but I couldn't be exact. I may even still be in one. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Also worth noting, isolation due to the lingering pandemic situation has definitely had an impact on all of the mental symptoms listed above. Admittedly, I've been spending an unadvisable amount of time in front of a screen (netflix and youtube), which undoubtedly has a negative impact on my energy/mood/progress. However, I think it's important to remember that socializing and achieving major lifestyle gains aren't the easiest things to manifest in times like these. Although they're still my prime motivation for making this change in my life, I know that trying to rush them while the world has had to hit a pause button wouldn't be wise or fruitful. I know that I'm at the beginning of what will most likely be a lengthy recovery process, so I'm choosing to not be too hard on myself. My penis is also choosing not be hard on itself, but in more of a literal sense.

Last 10 days or so (and pretty much overall since starting nofap):

After roughly three weeks of what seemed to be a flatline (and almost three months of overall nofap mindset), I've been feeling much better for the last week or so. Still some shit days but they're much more manageable. I owe much of the gains I'm experiencing to my daily decisions regarding a healthy lifestyle, but the nofap mindset and my desire to improve my PIED has helped me stay on track with those decisions. Here are some examples of some gains but I'm sure I will forget at least one:

• Noticeable increase of energy and mental clarity: I've noticed that I speak much more directly and feel pretty confident sharing my thoughts lately, which is something I've always struggled with. I've also been making decisions a lot more quickly. It has allowed me to enjoy more of my time doing the things I love. I get more done, rather than being paralyzed with indecisiveness and lethargy. Overall, I feel more firm. Hopefully my penis will become more inspired and feel the same.
• Healthier attraction: When in the presence of gals, I notice more of an attraction to their energy and personality, rather than just their body/looks. It's been a long time since I've felt that way and I can only imagine it'll get better with time. Granted, I haven't had much physical/animalistic response to body/looks for quite some time (not sure when my flatlines truly began). I probably have a bit more time til that gets back to normal but I'm beginning to appreciate that. I like the idea of me not being a guy who leads with my sexuality. It's actually a huge turnoff for anyone who I would consider a healthy choice to partner up with. Even my fantasies (which I would recommend limiting if you're here) have been oddly wholesome/realistic lately (i.e. cuddling, kissing, having fun, past memories, etc...). I've also noticed that I seem to draw more attention/attraction from gals in general, which is one of the nofap "benefits" I've been eager to experience. The attention isn't always necessarily sexual, sometimes I just feel a genuine sense of respect and comfort. However, I've definitely received a lot more obvious flirting and signs of interest than I can recall in the past. The reason for that is probably that the porn fog is beginning to lift and I'm beginning to actually notice when a gal seems interested. That mental clarity also gives me the confidence to actually talk with them and just be cool rather than instantly giving hook up vibes. Overall, I feel like I'm heading in a great direction in that category.
• Lifestyle and goal improvement: I've been putting a lot more effort into taking care of myself, which has had incredible results. As I said earlier, the nofap mindset has helped me sustain better health/lifestyle habits (which I listed above) that I plan on keeping for life. I've wanted to make a lot of these changes for a long time but I never really sustained them. The nofap mindset and my desire to reboot/rewire has given me a powerful reason to truly start putting effort into loving myself and building a happy and healthy future, both physically and mentally. For example, one of my goals is to do some traveling when that kind of thing is ok again. Therefore, I'm using some of my screen time to learn some Spanish via youtube videos. I also forgot to mention that I'm starting therapy soon. That's a big one for me and will hopefully be another game changer. Overall, I feel really good about what I'm doing with my time these days.
• MW, regular boners, libido, etc...: About a week ago (maybe more) I began feeling brief flashes of libido and arousal. I've been getting MW about every other day but it doesn't last long. Sometimes almost full strength, other times half or less. Same goes for regular boners. I've noticed that I can get hard by fantasy alone (w/o even touching), which feels like an improvement but nothing to get hung up on or celebrate. I try to keep my fantasies relatively wholesome and realistic, but even they can lead to unhealthy cravings, which is something to avoid during a reboot. Long story short, I've definitely noticed some improvements but I know that I still have much to work on/look forward to. I'm pretty sure I still have PIED and will most likely experience more flatlines but I feel like I've gotten through the worst of it. I probably won't feel much more report-worthy progress in this department until I begin rewiring with a partner.
• Diminishing P cravings: Since my last P relapse, I've actually found it relatively easy to not watch porn. I know that is rarely the case in these forums and I don't mean to make light of it, just my personal experience. The few relapses I've had since I began nofap have been very brief and unsatisfying; they seemed to have come more out of frustration/depression rather than arousal. They didn't deliver what I had hoped and the feeling that immediately followed was not one of accomplishment, to say the least. It felt awful. I'm lucky (in a way) to have a past with drug addiction (most notably heroin) which taught me a lot about self control and the lengths that I'm capable of going to get pleasure/dopamine. I learned a long time ago that "just one more time" doesn't work for me. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. I feel pretty convinced that P is quite similar in it's affect on the brain, so I feel somewhat well-equipped when battling cravings these days. P is already becoming a distant memory. Sure, it still pops into my head from time to time but it doesn't grab me like it used to. Overall, the cravings are faint and diminishing by the day. That's also how I would describe my boners while I was still using P.

Overall, I feel profoundly better than I did a few months ago. Even better than before I realized I had PIED. This has been such an eye opening experience and although it's been extremely painful at times, I think I really needed some proper catalyst to set me back on my path. Although I know that covid is going to make rewiring a bit tricky, I'm happy that it's at least giving me the time to implement new habits in my life. I feel that this is a very unique opportunity that I don't want to waste. Might as well throw a wrench in life if the whole world around us is already doing that anyway. Free will is the greatest gift that we have.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. Sorry if this progress report seemed more philosophical than physical. As usual, I encourage you to ask me any specific questions you may have about my experience/lifestyle/boners that you would find specifically helpful/comforting to your situation. Or, if you would like me to elaborate on anything I've reported, that would grounds for questioning as well. I try to be an open book if I feel it would be of service to others. I'm also always open to tips/criticism if you notice any flaws in my thinking or approach to nofap. Just know, I personally don't get too hung up on the rules or specific modes of nofap but I respect everyone's understanding and practice of it. I'm just here to share my personal experience and hopefully learn from others'.

One thing I can confidently say is that it gets soooo much better after the first month. The first month was the hardest for me and I've read a lot of similar reports. Since then, things have just gotten better and better. Still some shit days and most likely future challenges but I feel ready. If you have the right attitude, you will begin to observe the simple things in life that are most important to you and it will make you wonder why the fuck you wasted so much time seeking hollow insta-pleasure like P. If you're here, you obviously care about yourself enough to acknowledge that you have an issue and that you're willing to begin taking steps to improve your situation. Every recovery looks different so my best advice is to personalize yours and make it meaningful. I don't plan on using P anymore, even after my PIED is healed. It's just not worth the damage that it does. I don't plan on MOing anytime soon but mostly because last time (a couple days ago, as stated in the disclaimer) wasn't even that pleasurable and it seems like a wiser move to just try to give my sexuality a break for a while. I have faith that it will return, probably better than it ever has been.

Can't wait to share a rewiring success story to share with y'all sometime in the reasonably near future. Thanks again for reading and sorry if I said boners too many times. Cheers!

 

Warning: Possible triggers may be in this response. Handle with care.

The main thing I've noticed as far as connection to heroin use is the mental/emotional battle that I've had to go through. Although P doesn't give the same physical withdrawal symptoms (thankfully), the mental/emotional symptoms are quite similar. Depression, anxiety, feeling sub-human, suicidal thoughts, etc...I've experienced all of those feelings in my early stages of nofap. Probably not quite as intense as they were through heroin withdrawal but still noticeable enough to make the comparison. The cravings for both P and heroin resulted in my own brain trying to break me down and telling me things like "c'mon, one more time won't hurt" or "this is just your life now, it's not that bad". That was my brain trying to trick me into feeding it the unrealistically high levels of dopamine it had grown accustomed to.

Another similar aspect I've noticed is the ritualistic chemical response that happens when I know I'm about to get a "fix". While I was an active heroin user, I can remember being in intense states of withdrawal/despair, not knowing when my next fix would come. Then, as soon as I made the decision to give in, my despair would turn into excitement. I could literally feel what seemed to be a mild dopamine rush just knowing that I was about to get high (or at least not be sick anymore). The same thing happened with P right before the few relapses I've had since starting nofap. As soon as I would open my laptop, before even seeing any P images, I could feel intense arousal throughout my entire body. My brain knew it was about to get it's dopamine fix, so it rewarded my body before even starting.

Can't say for sure but I'm willing to bet that if I was hooked up to some sort of brain scanning device during any of my relapses/uses (both heroin and P), the same areas of my brain would probably light up. Coming to this conclusion was a huge breakthrough for me. It made me see that my brain is truly hardwired to crave dopamine...doesn't matter which source it comes from. Accepting how sensitive my brain is to that kind of stimuli has been the most effective tool in staying away from it. Without my experiences with heroin, it probably would've taken me so much longer to realize that there is no way to control my brain's reaction to dopamine. I know now that I just can't handle it, and that makes me feel so much stronger than I used to be.

 

My pleasure man! Thanks for reading it and for your kind words. Makes me feel good to know that my story can be of service to others. Inspiring others inspires me. Keep up the great work!

 

It seems like I went into flatline the day after (or maybe I was already flatlining before) my last PMO relapse. I think that the guilt and frustration of the relapse put me in a weird place mentally so I became more aware of my symptoms. My symptoms were pretty much the same as yours...shriveled penis, no libido, depression, insomnia, etc. I feel like I've been in flatlines before even discovering PIED and nofap so it's been really difficult to tell when they begin and end. I think that it's definitely possible that PMO put me into a flatline but, again, it's been hard to tell.

 

Yeah, cravings and urges are quite normal. To be honest, I've had four MO resets (thankfully no P, though) since my last 30 day streak so I've been struggling with the cravings as well. I've found that fantasies seem to turn into touching and I'm beginning to accept this is just M without O, which probably isn't helpful. For me, emotional stress definitely plays a part in my fantasizing/cravings. Winters here get pretty rough to be outside (not to mention covid), so sometimes it's easy to escape into fantasy world, which can easily turn into cravings. I don't think fantasy is as harmful as P but I know that it's probably gonna slow down my recovery process so I'm hoping to not make too much of a habit of it. The best advice I could give to help control cravings/urges is to nip them in the bud and find a way to divert your sexual energy/mind asap. One method I've used is, as soon as you begin to have sexual fantasies/imagery, try to imagine a red X with a loud buzzer replacing whatever sexual images pop into your head. Sounds silly but it has actually helped me in the past. Also, staying busy with anything productive will definitely help.

 

I know the feeling, man. I'm not even sure if I'm currently in flatline or not. I feel pretty good emotionally/mentally but I doubt I could get hard with an actual partner right now. Libido feels pretty dead unless I fantasize. I get pretty regular MW but it only sticks around if I fantasize, which has led to few MO resets since my last streak so I'm trying to get better about that. Hang in there, this can be a slow and frustrating process.

 

I was in and out of intense depression for the first two months after realizing I had PIED. I started feeling noticeably/consistently better a few weeks ago after my first successful 30 day streak of hard mode. Haven't been perfect since then but I still feel ok mentally. I've had a couple rough days but that's to be expected living with our current world situation. What have you been doing to occupy your time?

 

I can see how avoiding relapse can be challenging with that much gaming and computer time. I'm no professional, but I would have to imagine that too much screen time can have a pretty big impact on your mental state. And yes, covid has definitely made it challenging to get out of the house and comfortably enjoy the world. I would recommend trying to slowly cut back on screen time and replace it with any physical activity that you can. Working out, yoga, meditation, cold showers, healthy diet, hobbies that require movement...stuff like that can be EXTREMELY beneficial for your mental and physical state. They have made a world of difference for me and I plan keeping these habits for life.