35 and Older Accountability Group

Hi @artifact, appreciate that is is the policy, though it's not my intention to switch to no PM. Feel free to remove me from the member ranking. Could I still post as a guest? Don't think I would be referencing M anyway. Let me know.

 

Well, as I await my fate in this group , good time for me to impart an update. So I relapsed last weekend after 40+ days and thinking about it a bit more I've had to acknowledge that it was coming for a week or so. Right after quitting for the first time, I was very focused, read lots on the forums here, and things were relatively easy. However, 4 weeks in or so I gradually allowed myself to look for stimulating content. This was still within "acceptable" sites where really there should not be any suggestive (non-porn) pics. But that's where I made the mistake, because I allowed myself to search for stimulating content more and more. I would either find nothing and give up, or, credit the conditioned and motivated brain, somehow find some sexy facebook profile among suggested new friends or among posters to the video feed. I was clearly browsing those with the only intention to find something stimulating, and I did. From there one thing led to the next. So, that strategy did not work for me, and I am glad that I relapsed to emphasize that and could start again fresh. In addition to not watching porn, I will now also monitor whether I, habitually or otherwise, allow myself to look for stimulating content anywhere. I think that is the key for me to not relapse. This week has been so busy with work that no effort at all was required, but this weekend will be the first test. Let's see how I come out on the other end.

 

sat morn check in

 

Just checking in today, happy to have completed 4 days. Nothing that meaningful to share for now, just reminding myself of my intentions and not letting my guard down!

 

This is the territory most recent attemptd that lasted more than 3 days have gone to die... 7-9 days are tough for me.

Big 3 days coming up. Trying to be mindful of why I want to succeed.

 

Checking in after a weekend of high highs and low lows. No major PMO struggles but very aware that I’ve left flat line territory.

 

Monday morning check in.

Feel okay, was urging last night but super bowl saved me.

Good day all, be safe and be strong

 

Morning all, checking in. Terrible night's sleep last night, so feeling a bit vulnerable today.

Lots of "I wonder what's going on over there..." kinds of thought. So far, I'm managing to just shut them down.

 

I've relapsed again...I will set my counter back to 0. Had a very low weekend energetically and emotionally and ended up back binging on porn yesterday. It was really rubbish and I really hate porn and know I'm in the right place in this group. I did make it to 30 days again so I'm very proud of myself for that. Onwards and upwards brothers

 

It's amazing how much of a difference energy and emotion can make to our resilience, isn't it?

Well done for getting back on the horse

 

Post weekend check in. Met my goal of not looking for Psubs anywhere, which did require some effort. Looking back, I think think that the reason I was increasingly looking for Psubs the week before relapsing was that I found them and enjoyed looking at them, thus reinforcing the urge to look for them. It's early days, but I wonder if getting in the habit of not looking at Psubs and preventing that reinforcement would make abstinence easier over time. Onwards and upwards indeed, wishing you all strength and success.

 

I have really been struggling the last two-three weeks. Motivation feels low about quitting but I know all the harms of PMO. However, I feel like I haven’t been trying lately.

 

Like AA says "one drink is too many, a thousand never enough". Psubs are a "gateway drug" to our addictive behaviors. Anything that remotely resembles P will likely lead to a relapse, unless and until you have total awareness of what is happening by going psub and masterful control of your addictive brain thought process. Stay strong.

 

I hear you. I have been on the struggle bus.

And if I make it this far I jump right back on cause I feel like crap lol.

I'm living a lesson on neuroplasticity. I lost dopamine receptors after all the big dopamine baths and now that I have kept it away.... It feels horrible lol. Down, grouchy, more prone to anxiousness, and I could make it go away for a while. Until it gets so nonresponsive I always feel like crap.

Man, it was rewarding falling again. Getting into the much had a draw to it, but it's just like a junky. You can't run from the pain for long. The running soon becomes the pain.

Anyway my brother I hear you and I'm fighting it too. I need to psych myself up and in time I will feel better.

It's such a nasty addiction that hits me while I'm down and weak. Fighting the addiction makes me down and weak. Giving in makes me feel better for a time. It's all a nasty nasty combo. Not tough to see why it's tough to break through.

But we just need to get up once more than we fall. We just need to believe the sun will come up if we keep moving forward. Some day I will break through and get a streak going again, and when I do I hope I remember the sun will come up after the storms and nights that come in time.

Anyway, that pep talk was for myself. Getting to 9 days has taken way way too long and Ive got to fight to remember this basic basic crap.

 

Feeling great and seeing progress is a trigger for me. Congrats on 30 days. If you don't fall too bad you will keep your hard fought brain gains. Easier said than done for me at times, but I believe in you haha.

 

Checking in. Solid day today and going to bed feeling tired in all the right ways and not blurry eyed and exhausted in all the wrong ways.