Newbie intro

Hello nofap,

If you want to continue to surround yourself with inspiring messages then for the love of god close this window.

I'm technically not a newbie. Well, I've been a newbie multiple times. This isn't my first account, and part of me doubts it will be my last. My previous introductions were a lot more upbeat, and fierce if you will. But I will do myself a favour and just forget the rhetoric this time.


We all have our rightful reasons for being here. Many are just trying to seize back the time they feel they wasted. Others want to save their relationships and return to a real life connection with someone. In fact, most have just let a simple indulgence just run amok in their life and are now working to tame it.

I'm not religious but I can see also that some people fear they have strayed from a path and aren't the Samaritan they want to be with porn in their life. I see many have confided in spiritual entities as a means of strengthening themselves for the fight ahead. In some ways I find the idea that someone can lean on a shoulder that isn't even there physically somewhat magical. But these people know deep down that Jesus didn't defeat porn for them, and like the rest of the nofap community, they won a tough battle within themselves.

I'm not interested in superpowers but I know I'm not alone there. I'm aware that some Fapstronauts use the dream of having a girlfriend or wife to support them. I'm not sure if porn deleting my sex drive is to blame for this, but I think I'll sooner be on a plane that crash lands on Neptune than stumble across a woman that would feel obliged to commit to me.

I think this is why I've struggled this year to even get off of the ground. I've been conscious of porn usage for the last year now hence have been reflecting far more than I once did post orgasm. I watched the addiction videos, ted talks, read success stories and made nofap accounts. Installed opendns, k9, and even hid devices.

I would use the information on the educational videos- brain rebalanced and what not. Reference the Coolidge effect and some experiment done on mice in some lab in switzerland as though I'd had an epiphany then fall from grace shortly after. As time went by 5 days went to 3, 3 to 1 and now a day seems like a challenge.

But no matter how much I built myself up, my lifestyle would lead me to "see reason" and just give in. I mean, no one to suffer for, no one to judge me , no one to hold me back. What else was going to Happen?

If you are still reading this then I apologise for my tone. If I haven't already bled you of your optimism I implore you to distance yourself from this black hole of at thread before my downbeat attitude swallows you whole.

I continued to change nothing and just slowly lost touch with the idea of abstinence. By Easter I was back to my old ways and now, I'm just as I was but this time I'm regretful after each pop, surely a scarring effect from the can-do attitude I fooled myself into adopting.

The reason I think I, like so many others on this site have failed to actually get off of the ground at all with this is because I'm kidding myself. I don't care about some Coolidge effect or some experiment conducted on mice in Switzerland. Why would I want to quit? So I can talk to girls, so many of whom seem to live in a different world to me? Don't get me wrong, what I watch isn't sex and what I do isn't nearly resemblant of it but regardless of what I've filled the hole with, I've crammed some form of replacement to real women there. I probably have PIED. Even that fails to scare me into clocking a week on the wonderful complimentary nofap counter. Those who succeed here are either far more positive than I could strain to fake being, or have motivation that comes from much darker places. Nights of sailing into the cyber abyss. Divorce at the hands of the valley girls.an embarrassing failed sexual encounter. These people lost something or suffered due to the so called PMO.
I'm young so I haven't lost something. But the reason I'm making this account and still somewhat mustering up a whimpering resistance to this tsunami of urges is fear above all of losing myself.

Each time i give in "full time" I sort of escalate. It manifests in different ways but almost exponentially my tastes twist and convulse into newer, unpredictable forms. I slide and slip my way into the cloud of morally grey, where obscure fetishes border alongside bad people.

I quickly learn each time that to step it up a notch you have to be willing to condone suffering. This is where I know that what I do is no longer sexual. Seeing the butchers daughter smiling at you then going home to eventually touch yourself wishing to have her beside you is sexual. What I do is just an addiction. I wouldn't do the things I watch portrayed in front of me. I would t find it interesting or right at all. In fact I'm sure that when I'm aroused, it's not even worthy of being classed as arousal.it is the beginning of a cycle that vaguely bears resemblance to sexual acts.

(You'll notice, if you are still reading that I'm beating around a bush. This will remain a bush.)

This is where my desire to stop comes from. No matter how many times I've wanked this week, the last time I did something or desired something worthy of "sexual" status was months ago. There is no love or humanity in what I, or so many others do and it is pointless. But as an addiction does, it succeeds in stunning you into a state of amnesia, just for long enough to reject rational principle and get the act done. Then I'm sitting there.

I'm not quite sure what this post achieved. I'm going to return and plan soon. Something. Anything. just to move on and up from this pit of hopelessness im wallowing in. I think this was just a way for me to lay my cards on the table. That's okay . This is my abode in the suburban metropolis of the Internet.

And under my roof ill do what I think is right.

Most of the time.

BB

 

Miracles -

I think ive failed to apply the process over the last year. I haven't taken it seriously and haven't been willing to suffer. also I have a habit of dwelling on certain dangerous thoughts. I think that because of this, overcoming a local urge can seem like a lenghty war as opposed to just a controlled moment.