How I quit porn and some thoughts (male 47)

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Deleted Account, Jul 4, 2019.

  1. Hello everybody! Not sure where to post this .. first post, success story, some good tips, relation issues. First of all I want to thank NoFap for inspiring me to quit. I’m now a year sober :) This is my story, what worked for me and some observations.


    In the beginning, as a teenager in the late eighties, playboy was my 'fantasy girlfriend'. Then the internet came along as a student and online porn filled my lonely nights. I had a dark adolescent time, then found a real girlfriend and everything was great. Got married, two kids and then the trouble started.


    She didn't feel like sex. I got frustrated and my slumbering porn addiction went into overdrive. This time it had an even bigger influence on me. Porn was what sex was supposed to be like. It perverted me, though I did not see it like that back then.


    Last year our sex life completely shut down. It was all shame & pain for her and all dirty desire for me. I had tried to quit porn several times before. Now I took it more serious and started reading about porn addiction, about the brain on porn, nofap, and then it hit me. I was addicted and this addiction was one of the reasons our marriage was in trouble. So I decided to quit.


    First of all: you can't quit alone, you need to be accountable to someone you know well. So I told my wife. It did hurt her a lot and she did not take it well but her pain and anger was also my motivation to persist. She was the key to quit porn permanently.


    The first two weeks without porn were hard but every time I was persuaded, I would watch a TED talk about porn, addiction or about women's issues. It was a great antidote! There was a great thread on nofap with TED talks but It has been removed. Just search the TED website.


    After that it slowly became easier. I had some relapses but I did not 'reset the clock' because I found out that with every relapse, the lure of porn was fading. It lost it's power, it's grip on my mind. I had no relapses for the last few months. I'm still recovering and have a long way to go to be my own natural self again. It's a bit like going through adolescence again, but this time clean.



    THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS

    While on porn I thought I was not addicted, I thought a secret porn sexlife wasn't cheating because it is virtual, I thought I only watched moderate porn, I thought the porn did not influence my real sex life, I thought I was only curious, etcetera. Since I quit I know all this is not true.


    As an adolescent, I was very lonely, confused and depressed. Suicide was on my mind too often, though I never attempted anything. This dark period was not porn's 'fault', but porn certainly made it difficult to find what I really needed: people, relations, the safety of intimacy. So my advice to adolescents would be: join a club, meet people. Sports, dance, sing, paint, books, business, whatever. It does not have to be 'it', just any club with a varied group of authentic men and women.


    Every generation has it's own challenges and solutions. My generation did not educate about erotica or porn. Today there is more information, there are wise people talking about sex, porn, relationship and respect. Watch it, read it, say it. Learn.


    Porn addiction is linked to internet addiction. Take away the porn and you find yourself aimlessly surfing the internet, never satisfied. That's the internet addiction and I'm still struggling with that one.


    Now, the hardest part is to deal with real women. My brain on porn gave me sexist tendencies when I met real women. I still have to correct myself all the time ‘don’t stare at their ..’ and online it is even more difficult not to be a sexist. Maybe I will have to accept that that will always be a bit of a struggle. I am after all a man that likes women. But I will try to not bother women with unwanted sexist behaviour.


    There is a lot more to say but this is the essence of my story. I hope it helps .. and go watch those TED talks!
     
  2. Congratulation mate!
    Thank you for sharing your story :)
    In my experience it is true that we cant quit alone. For me, I need community.
    To learn, to give encouragement, to be supported.
    My best pray for you brother :)
     
    Akeakua and control your life like this.
  3. Very nice post, and thanks for this. Those of us that are alone, however, need to do it alone. I am (/will).
     
  4. Thanks for your time spending to write this message. Very inspiring! Keep up the good work!!
     
  5. Yeah, my story is not unique but I hope it inspires some dudes to find their own way to quit P. This forum was a vital part for me to quit.
     
  6. Well, sharing a porn addiction with a partner is not ideal if you need support! I thought my wife would support me but she was just hurt and angry. That worked for me but if you really need support, talk to a dude.
     
  7. control your life

    control your life Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Nice and inspiring story . Congrats pal . Thank you :)
     
    Akeakua likes this.
  8. RipShredd

    RipShredd New Fapstronaut

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    "Porn addiction is linked to internet addiction. Take away the porn and you find yourself aimlessly surfing the internet, never satisfied. That's the internet addiction and I'm still struggling with that one."

    This is so true. Once you quit internet porn you suddenly have nothing to do online.
     
  9. RealMe

    RealMe Fapstronaut

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    This is 100% true in my case. Now I understand why I browse the internet without having any reason mindlessly for hours and hours. Thank you very much sir.
     
    Akeakua and control your life like this.
  10. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

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    great work sir see u at the top
     
    Akeakua and control your life like this.
  11. Thanks for express you toughs, as other people, I find myself inspired by your words.
     
  12. abandcned

    abandcned Fapstronaut

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    congratulations! :)

    just want to ask some few things. sorry if this looks copied-and-pasted or looks like a spam, because I'm trying to ask others about quite the same thing on similar forum post, which happen to be among my most important concerns:
    1. what are the most tempting times/worst times that you've been through? how did you get through it?
    2. did some of your mental strategies fail you? did a mindset that brought you to PMO recovery fail you? if yes, does it happen once, or several times? how do you get through it?

    thank you!
     
    Akeakua likes this.
  13. Hi @abandcned , good questions, I had to think about them for some time.

    1. First 2 weeks of detox at home. My detox started during summer holiday so that was an easy beginning, but once I was back home and working, those 2 weeks were difficult. I got through them with my custom battle plan. I had a list of things to do if I got tempted (many, many times a day) and I made sure I had people around me or was visible to people so I couldn't watch p. After the first 2 weeks I could see small changes and improvements and that made it easier to hold on. For the first 18 months, daily reading and writing on Nofap was a huge help.
    Also, before the successful detox there were many unsuccessful attempts. Relapses sucks but they are essential to learn from for your custom detox battle plan.

    2. I had no mental strategies or mindset because I learned from my relapses that willpower and theories are interesting but not strong enough to break the addiction. I needed REAL changes in my life like my list of distractions ON PAPER and MOVING furniture around, keep curtains and doors open to be visible to people and CHANGE my agenda so I have no time alone.

    Also, now that I'm mostly over all this, I kind of find all the theories I had a bit weird. It's an addiction you need to break with action and after the addiction the truth will reveal itself. And this is a work in progress. I'm no longer addicted but I still have issues to work on, but I think time is my friend here.

    All the best, work on your custom battle plan!
     
    abandcned likes this.
  14. abandcned

    abandcned Fapstronaut

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    Wait--- that's actually interesting! These are the things I'm curious about:
    1. If you have a big urge coming, given that you've changed your environment, did you just wait until the urge ended?
    2. If, for some reason, you have to use internet, do you get distracted a lot, and if yes, do those distractions eventually lead you to any sort of urge to do PMO?

    Might learn a thing or two for my case. Thanks for the initial reply, by the way! :D
     
  15. FrenchOliver

    FrenchOliver Fapstronaut

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  16. You're welcome, and in my experience, helping others is healing yourself too.

    1. Removing privacy helped a lot but when tempted, I had to distract myself too. A double shot at the addiction.
    2. If I encounter something hot on a normal site, I just click away asap and find distraction. But there is also a lot of sites that just have a p-positive and female unfriendly vibe, like funny-video sites and car fora. I stoped visiting those sites completely. At the time it felt unnecessary (no p there, what's the harm) but is made a HUGE difference! And, I don't miss those sites at all.
     

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