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My fantasy turned into an obsession ! I need HELP !!

Discussion in 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' started by Saturnine13, Apr 12, 2017.

  1. Saturnine13

    Saturnine13 Fapstronaut

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    Good evening
    I really hope some of you guys will have the patience to read my topic,I find myself in a desperate need of help.
    First of all, my name is Max,living in Europe,I am 24 years old and this is my story.
    Just like everybody else I started masturbating at the age of 12-13 as far as I remember. Normal porn, nothing extreme, nothing kinky. At the age of 17 I met a girl online,which was living in another country, days passed,months passed, and we started having cybersex, no webcams involved between us, just pictures and of course alot of naughty chats which soon developed more and more extreme.
    When we first started cybersexing, it was normal, chatting what would we do to each other and so on. After a few months, I started having this fetish of submissive/dominant roleplay with her. Sometimes I played the dominant/submissive role,and sometimes she acted it. Nothing bad so far, right? Well this is the hard part, that I keep struggling on for ...hmm...hell ..its been 7 years ...I started developing a fetish of seeing her having sex with another guy. Thats right folks, I started to like my submissive role, my cuckold role in our fantasies we were having when we cybersex chat.
    And this is how it all started,I would never have guessed it would hurt and ruin my life so much as it did and it still does. As I said, now we were having cybersex about threesomes,gangbangs and so on, bad part is that it was my idea of trying something new. When I turned 18 I travelled to her country, and stayed at her place for 1 month,before I had to go back to my country, since new year of highschool started. I must say this is where I lost my virginity,with her,when I was 18 years old.
    3 months after this ,we broke up.
    As far as I know, and I hope so, the only persons that knows about this fantasy of mine is her, and now, all of you guys who is reading my post.
    Anyway, after this break up, I started watching cuckold porn more and more, I masturbated for 3-4 times per day sometimes. Meanwhile, I started meeting new girls, I dont want to sound cocky or to be a loud-mouth, but I am a good looking guy, I am 190 cm tall ( I think thats 6'3 feet ) and I weight around 85 kilograms.
    I was 19-20 when I started having sex with other girls,but to my shame, I didnt get erect as it was normal, my brain was and is still focused only on this shitty fantasy that I cant kick out of my head. Since I couldnt get erect at maximum effieciency, my self esteem got lower, I got more and more depressed and more and more addicted to cuckold porn.
    Around age 21-22, I started noticing my condition got worse and worse,had low libido,no sex hunger to call it like that and I had to admit to myself that I am an addict to this lame cuckold porn fantasy that turned into obsession.
    Each time I masturbate to this type of porn,after I cum, I feel very guilty,sad,miserable and depressed. I masturbated 1 hour ago, after I came, I felt like a loser, looked myself in the mirror and started crying because I do not recognize the monster I become. I dont even get hard watching normal porn anymore, I must watch cuckold porn to get hard.
    Around age 22-23 I started going out at bars,looking for women to have a chat, and that chat ussualy went to naughty talks, and of course afterwards we had one night stand. Everytime I went in a bar,looking for this, I had V(iagra) [ Seems I cant create the thread because of this word that is banned or something ] pills that I take one hour before when I know things get serious with a woman that I might take her home,or that she takes me to her place. V-pills works magnificent, erections rock hard for a few hours, awesome sex. everything as it should be. But its not.To this point I think I had over 15 one night stands in a matter of 2 years,but each adventure like this went good because I took those V-pills. I dont want to pill myself to death with those Viagr chems anymore!
    Right now I am 24 years old and I am into a relationship for about 3 months with a girl that is my age. We do not live togheter,but we visit each other preety often, we had sex many times,but of course, I have to take those erection pills to get hard. A few times I tried having sex with her without taking those V-pills,but I didnt get hard as I should, my penis gets about 70% hard only on missionary position, and it gets limp after 6-7 mins, after that I have to find up stupid excuses to stop,because I am embarassed about myself and I am ashamed that I cant keep it up normally.
    Another thing I should add is that I would NEVER ask a girl to do those things in real life, I think I am too embarassed and to shameful to open up this subject,and as I said before,each time I masturbate and cum to this porn,I feel depressed,sad and guilty, I am very sure I wont be able to watch something like that in live action.
    Recently( for about 4 months) I started NO PMO-ing.My highest streak of no PMO was 30 days. Problem is that usually after 7 days,my brain collapses.It starts randomly and I cant get it out of my head that I must masturbate. Its like a hunger that I cant stop,like a need for watching cuckold porn.
    Today I masturbated after 8 days of no PMO and I had a rock hard erection while masturbating.As I said above,afterwards I felt like a shit,like a loser that I am.
    Thats all I can think now, please someone, help me , I am sick and tired of this nightmare,it ruined my life, I want to have normal sex with my girlfriend, I dont want to get those pills anymore before sex. I want to be cured. What do I have to do? Where should I start ?
    Ask anything you need to find out about me,and I will answer.
    Thank you !
     
  2. AscendRestore

    AscendRestore Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure you'll find good help here, man.

    But it may take time.

    Read our logs (in the age-bracket forum pages) - and you'll find many stories that might resonate. The answer is NoFap, noPMO! Give your body, your dick and your neurons time to heal by ceasing to reward the brain with hyper-novelty and kink.
     
  3. MaleOntoRenewal

    MaleOntoRenewal New Fapstronaut

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    Saturnine13, I'm sorry you're going through that. Try thinking of a close friend you can talk about those problems with. That's what I've done when I've felt overwhelmed about my own problems.
     
  4. Saturnine13

    Saturnine13 Fapstronaut

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    Do you think that I can be '' cured '' after all those years ? Sometimes I doubt myself that I can ever be normal again ...
     
  5. Tommy_0113

    Tommy_0113 Fapstronaut

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    it takes time. You'll never know unless you try!
    See if you can reach 90 days no PMO and let us know how you feel.
    Try keep track of your days on a wall chart. :)
     
    IWantToBreakFree123 likes this.
  6. AscendRestore

    AscendRestore Fapstronaut

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    You're struggling because you have paired:

    Novel stimulus + fantasy + masturbatory reward

    All of these involve dopamine and potentially involve telling your brain to specialise towards responding to this level of excitation.

    The answer is to stop laying down these behavioural pathways in the brain. To NoFap. To reboot. To allow your brain to take up healthier patterns of arousal again.
     
  7. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    If you're serious, find yourself an SA group to attend. sexaholics anonymous.
     
  8. Hello bro, try this site out :
    http://www.recoverynation.com/

    Since you are on this site then you are on the right path. You realised what your problem is, most peope don't. Now you just need to fight it as hard as you can. Write a daily log here, read forum, do lessons on recoverynation and if you truly want to recover then you surely will. Keep it up :)
     
  9. Pergas

    Pergas New Fapstronaut

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    Hello i read your comment and i want to try to help you with some tips that can be used in many circumstances such us yours.
    1) talk to a person that you are very close
    2) be patient
    3) be serious
    4) find informations about your problem
    5) dont be so depresed
    6) feel that gap of this kinky thing with something that inspires you more
    7) take action
    8) if the problem will be remain i suggest you to visit a doctor that is specialized to that kind of stuff because here we are ametures
     
  10. Saturnine13

    Saturnine13 Fapstronaut

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    Hello.
    At this moment I am on a streak of 7 days of no Porn or Masturbation, but on the 4th day, I had sex with my girlfriend and I orgasmed. Does this mean I relapsed? Is sex while rebooting a bad thing? Thanks
     
  11. Daggertail19

    Daggertail19 Fapstronaut

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    Hello brother,

    You came to the right place. This forum is filled with people who are just like you, striving to create a better lifestyle and mindset. Know this, the fact that you are here means you have acknowledged this behavior as a problem. That is usually one of the hardest parts, as most people will continue their behavior and go on normally until one day, it does not feel normal anymore.

    Let me say this as well, without a proper goal it will be difficult to stop your sexual behavior. For example:
    My goals consist of
    1. Meeting my educational goals (this is my last semester)
    2. Developing new and existing positive habits and hobbies (Playing guitar, going on outings to the beach and such, saving money for a camera to start photography, saving for an electric guitar, meditation, etc.)
    3. To stop objectifying women in my mind (this involves fantasizing about them, staring at them in public, looking at porn)
    4. meet a girl who I feel connected to without only focusing on sex.
    5. Be good to my parents and brothers, help as much as possible.

    This is what motivates me to keep pursuing this journey of NoFap, because watching porn and masturbating does not help me in anyway to achieve these goals. Every time I watch porn or masturbate my goals become further away from me.

    A shorter answer would be, acknowledge your goals. Only you know them, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the way you look at it) the people on this forum cannot dictate that. So, if you think it was a relapse, it is ok. Do not be sacred to restart, take it as a lesson.

    If it aligns with your goals and does not effect your mindset in this journey, then it is not a relapse. Again, only you know the answer to this question.

    This community will help you reach the best version of yourself, I promise you that. We can do this together.

    Good luck brother.
     
    Saturnine13 likes this.
  12. Saturnine13

    Saturnine13 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the kind, wisdom words.
    However, I have just logged in to NoFap to reset my streak, back to 11.02.2021 ,its an endless struggle as far as I seem.
    I see your goals, the problem at me,is that I do not believe in nothing. I am not a religious type at all, even worse,I do not believe in myself or in a better future.
    My only hobbies are motorcycle riding,video gaming, and reading books, maybe I should get something to help me pump up physically? I wonder if this would help.
    Cheers brother,
     
  13. Daggertail19

    Daggertail19 Fapstronaut

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    I myself try to go to the gym everyday, thankfully there is an open one near my area. I recommend giving it a shot.

    Cheers.
     
    Saturnine13 likes this.

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