The Hard Routine

Just a few more hours and I'll be at 9 days clean, then on to double digits. I truly feel a key here is to not obsess over the streak so much as eliminating the binging between relapses.

 

Closing in on two weeks. This second week was actually easy. I may just be flat lining, but I've had no urges at all. The good thing is I know now they can pop up at any time; that recovery is work, and that I need to stay focused to turn 14 days into 28, and so on.

In NFA we learned this quote which I want to share: “The goal is not to feel better, it is to get better at feeling.”

That's really what its all about. Learning to actually accept our feelings, good and bad, and to develop the ability to love ourselves no matter what. To not smother unpleasant feelings with base actions, but to accept those feelings and live for a higher lifestyle.

 

Back to two weeks! So far I feel great. I know I keep saying this, but i really believe it comes from not obsessing over the individual streak, and instead focusing on the overall process. The best thing is this is much cleaner than my "49 day streak." On that one I had multiple edging sessions. I see now that I was pretty much relapsed when i did that. The dopamine shots I was giving myself was keeping me from gettign clean. So far none of that on this streak.

 

Greetings all. Tonight I finished the final modules in the NoFap Academy online course. It was well worth it. The 2nd to last module was actually titled “getting comfortable with discomfort.” Sound familiar? Go check out Williams’s thread. It’s one of his cornerstone principles. When I first read it on William’s page, I didn’t truly grasp it. Now I do. What all of this is about is learning to deal with how you feel…now…in the present. Getting stressed over something? FEEL IT. Fight with your girlfriend? FEEL IT. Don’t run from it into an escape behavior, i.e. watching porn. When the withdrawals come, and they will come, realize that is a great example of unconditional love you can give yourself. Feel the pain. You are worth it.

 

Tonight will be 18 days again. My first time hitting 18 days, since my first time hitting 18 days. As I’ve written in other posts this 18 days was much cleaner than the previous effort. I’ve completed the NoFap online course and I’ve learned so much about addiction, recovery, and who I want to be. I won’t fool myself (this time). 18 days is NOT recovered. I could have one bad day at work, decide to “peak” at that darn model, or check the reddits of a particular fetish I used to enjoy, just for a few minutes of course, and be right back to zero. What I need to keep telling myself is what I already know: recovery is work. It’s a pro-active state of mind where you train yourself to get used to discomfort; where you get used to actually feeling, and not running away from your emotions. The only way to get through it, is to go through it.

 

24 days so far. I broke "hard mode" yesterday as I'm spending a week with my wife. I see what they mean by chaser effect. I haven't had any urge until today. Today the fantasies started up again. The good thing is I have a much greater sense of what is going on inside my head this time. I have set intentions to break the patterns of fantasizing as they arise. It's not always 100 percent successful, but it's better than nothing. The key is, even though I won't be in hard mode for a few days, to continue to stay away from porn and the dopamine surge that will follow.

 

28 days tonight, much MUCH cleaner than my 49 day effort. No edging or peeking yet (although I came close on the peeking part this morning). The urges are returning but I think that is just a manifestation of some increased stress in my life. again, the key is Pain First; getting comfortable with the discomfort, and learning to love the withdrawal. It needs to be undertaken as an act of love. I need to love myself enough to endure the pain now, for the pleasure that will follow.

 

^^^^^^^^^^Thanks brother, the support means a lot.

Testimonial time.

Just when I thought I was out, I pull myself back in. 31 days yesterday, a full month. A much cleaner effort than my previous best of 49 days. Because I track lots of different things during my recovery, I know when I edge, peek, take cold showers, and of course, PMO. By the one month mark last time I had two or three “binge edging sessions” which ultimately led to that streaks downfall. This time I have been 100% clean, no peeking at miss gorgeous bikini model, and no looking at reddit for my fetish fix. Until last night.

Good news up front is I did not relapse. Bad news is I went straight for reddit AND het twitter page for a quick fix. It probably only lasted about ten minutes, then a few more this morning. I’m pretty sure I know the source. I just finished a very stressful trip with my family. We had a good time, but it was not without its challenges. Any trip like this in the past would have been well medicated with multiple dopamine fixes. When we got home last night, after they all went to bed, I just grabbed the iPad and went to work. It had been a month since I’ve been to DM’s twitter page, so I knew there would be updates, and there were. And on Reddit I had plenty of stories to keep me busy. Again, no relapse, but it’s still disappointing.

What I SHOULD have done was just gone to bed to let the aches subside. I know, easier said than done. But at least I recognize it. I told myself I would get online this morning and post to NoFap and the Reboot academy, then look for other threads where I can help. Recovery is work; its action. I have the tools, I just need to use them better.

Thanks for reading

 

Hey all, it’s been a while since my last post but I’ve had a lot going on. I’d love to say I am 60 days into my reboot, but that would be a lie. As some of you know I live away from home but I recently had the opportunity to get back for a vacation. I had hoped that the reintroduction of sex with my wife would not lead to chaser effects, and thus relapses, but that’s what happened.

It was after a very stressful family trip that I won’t go into. Once we all got home, I went on autopilot mode and just started “peeking” at that models page, and then I took a trip to reddit to catch up on some erotic scenarios. I knew what was happening, but I failed to put what I’ve learned to use to stop the urges. The good news is I had a good streak going, 30 days before I messed up. I had several mini streaks going in the weeks that followed, all 3-4 day efforts. I am back overseas, where I will be for the next six months or so, so there won’t be a problem with breaking hard Mode again.

I wanted to wait until I had a week under my belt before posting here, and today is day 7. No PMO, and no edging/peeking. Urges were bad yesterday and today, but I focused on fulfilling disciplines and they went away. I’m sorry if I let anyone down, but as we all know this thing is a bitch to beat. I’m back now, to continue to help myself, and others if I am able.

 

Wow, today was urge central. Luckily I was at work the whole time or there would have been a relapse for sure. Now I’m home in my apartment and I’m just hoping I can hold out until I go to bed, and that tomorrow they will go away. Crazy thing is today the urges are all in my head. I haven’t peeked yet this streak (day 8 today) and I certainly can’t at work. While I was busy I was fine, but each time I slowed down my mind would drift to my favorite fantasy and I would start running scenarios. I applied the Willpower Process about four times today, and it did help, but the desire is still there. I hope a flat line sets in soon.

 

Wow, that relapse was rough. I wrote on here that I was beset by urges ALL day at work. I used the WPP each time and it DID help. I got home, posted on here, then I just let myself peek, and, well you know where it goes from there. Tomorrow is indeed a new day, back at Day 1 on my counter, but I need to take a more proactive role in my recovery. Like I've written many times in my log, recovery is about action. It is work. I need to take actions to rewire the portions of my brain that seek the soothing of the compulsion. I'm going to start with a small, mini-goal: I want to stay clean one week, then actually get online for next week's mentoring call at the Reboot Academy to get some coaching. I just need to follow my own advice from elsewhere in this thread.

 

For today's entry, I want to revisit some stuff from earlier in the course, and from elsewhere. In one of the other recovery sites they stress building a personal vision for oneself, and actually writing it out. Mine is somewhere in this log, but here is my reworked most current version:

"My vision is to grow into the man I want to be. To look into my future and see endless possibilities. A man who centers his life on kindness, empathy, and compassion as part of his daily lifestyle, feeling the unity of all life. A leader; someone not afraid to stand up for what’s right. To be known as a good friend; someone others can count on. To feel joy and excitement on a daily basis without being a constant complainer. To spend every day improving my life…to know I can gain mastery over myself."

I want to use that as my daily guide. THAT is the man I want to be. THAT man does not use porn.

 

7/19/2015

Greetings readers. For the next few weeks, to aid in my recovery (five days clean today, Yeah!) my goal is to revisit some of the modules from the Reboot Camp. Having completed the course, I’m interested to see if I gain any new insights into the material the second time around.

The first module I’m revisiting is the subject of “fantasizing.” I figured this was timely as my last relapse came on the heels of an entire day of fantasizing while at work. Even though I beat back the urges one by one using the WPP, in the end, once I got home, I was practically looking forward to peeking at porn.

Listening to Mark’s comments on the subject, something hit home. He mentioned that a way to combat fantasizing, both sexual and non-sexual, is to really focus on your body and feelings in the present sense. I then realized that that is the whole message of the final module of the E Course: “I am here.” It’s about listening to your emotions, actually allowing yourself to feel them, and not suppress them in dopamine fueled escape behaviors.

Often I will let my mind drift at work during boring meetings. I like the suggestion to ask a lot of questions, both out loud, and to myself, as a means to force myself into the present. I’m going to focus on that this week. Keeping my mind clear and clean all day is a key part of not peeking at the end of the day.

 

Hey all, bad relapse last night, full on binge session. Certainly not proud of it but the reboot call helped. Mark talked about setting intentions to combat the compulsions. That's what I did...

"I’m proactively setting an intention for when I get home from work. When I walk into my apartment I will face several triggers. Internal triggers will be a desire to peek at DM’s Twitter and Facebook pages to see if she has any new pictures posted. I will also possibly feel a desire to check the reddit page of my compulsion to see if there are any new updates. Walking into my apartment, I am alone for the first time all day. The stress from work will subside, but the adrenaline that keeps me going will also fade. This makes a relapse much more likely.

I am setting an intention to say “Pause” out loud as soon as I walk into my front door. I will say it out loud to get external Feedback that I am actually home, and that I need to actually FEEL what is going on inside my body. From there I will immediately start dinner, without getting on my IPad for anything but to play music. Once dinner is ready I will sit down to eat and start my fulfilling disciplines for the evening. One all of my FDs are complete for the night (tonight will be guitar, working out another reboot Course Module, and reading) I will mark off one day complete on my recovery worksheet. Then I will go to bed. Tomorrow I will set a new intention for when I get home (and I can always stay with this one if I need to)."

I applied that when I got home today; it seemed to help. Day 1.

 

@Hero One thanks so much for the words of support. You are 100% correct, I need to be better about the backup plan. In the NA reboot course that's taught as a "safety behavior," and I have established them, i just need to use them.

@heartpower that's exactly how I usually feel. I very rarely use hardcore porn. Most often, its updated pictures of this model, who I've imprinted as the star of my fetish/compulsion. Thanks for posting.