Do you think I should lock youtbe on restricted mode or not?

Basically I only have one device I can access the internet on, my laptop. I have my laptop blocked up beyond belief, and most of the time I can't access any porn or artificial sexual stimulation on it, I can't access anything that causes me relapse on it.

But the thing is I also lock youtube on a strict restricted mode, which I can't turn off. This obviously blocks the majority of artificial sexual stimulation on youtube. It causes me to not relapse to any artificial sexual stimulation on youtube.

But the issue is this restricted mode that I lock on youtube also blocks tons of youtube channels that I like that have nothing to do with artificial sexual stimulation.

So in reality if I didn't lock youtube on restricted mode I would likely relapse to artificial sexual stimulation more than if I did lock youtube on restricted mode. But then on the other hand if I didn't lock youtube on restricted mode I would have many other channels and content to watch that have nothing to do with artificial sexual stimulation.

 

But am I supposed to go on for the rest of my life constantly making sure that I can't access porn or artificial sexual stimulation?

For one thing trying to constantly achieve this is a stress on me, and then I also feel like I can't do and have other things in life, because by having these other things it will open a door where I can access a certain level of porn and artificial sexual stimulation.

So for instance I wanted to get a smart tv and PS5. But that opens a door where I can access artificial sexual stimulation, so I can't do it. I would rather use a smartphone, but that opens a door where I can access artificial sexual stimulation, so I can't do it. I would rather not have my laptop blocked up to the extent it is so that I can access more stuff, non porn related stuff, but that opens a door where I can access artificial sexual stimulation.

Do you see what I mean? It's literally like I need to go through my life where everything is revolved around not being able to access porn and artificial sexual stimulation, and to tell you the truth I am starting to get sick of it. I am sick of the stress it causes, and I am sick of not being able to do other non porn related things that I want to be able to do.

It's as if my life revolves around not ending up on porn. It's as if this should be my highest priority in life, and it should be my highest priority in life for the rest of my life.

I'm just getting sick of it if I am being honest with you. It's went on like this for 3 years now.

 

I wouldn't relapse all the time if youtube was unblocked. I believe I would get bored of the stuff on there very quickly. But I do believe if it was unblocked I would relapse more than if it was blocked.

Basically I believe if it was unblocked I don't think I would be getting 100% clean streaks of no artificial sexual stimulation. That being said though I do think the relapses on there would be very mild compared to what it is like when everything on my laptop is unblocked. On youtube it would likely be very short sessions, and I do believe it would hardly ever happen. But again that still isn't 100% clean, and this is the problem.

 

Tbh I do actually agree.

Because I remember one time I got a streak of 35 days of no porn and artificial sexual stimulation at all, and I actually remember the urge and need to go back to it at this point strangely actually felt much less. Where as the urge and need to go back to it after 1 week, 2 weeks actually seems to be much higher than what it was after 35 days.

I mean for a while I think I have been looking at it from the point that I don't feel like relapsing now and again is harming me that much. But in reality it is keeping the addiction going, it is causing me to want to return to porn.

I might also think that my behaviour isn't that bad when it is now and again. But I need to remember how quick it can escalate. I also need to remember that I am not going anywhere near as out of control on it because of the system I have in place. Because in reality when this system is not in place and everything is unblocked, I rapidly escalate, to the point that my behaviour on it is like a severe addict.

So if everything is unblocked maybe the first day if I relapse it might only be a few times, not that heavy, my behaviour won't really feel that bad. But if it remains unblocked I can guarantee you within about 4 days later my behaviour will have seriously escalated, to the point I will of been seriously chronically edging and binging on it near constantly, to the point I will actually now feel unwell from it, causing severe headaches, nausea, lethargy, and a zombie like feeling.

Again though this only happens when I go out of control on it. But if I didn't have the system I have in place, going out of control on it almost seems inevitable.

But again if it was only unrestricted youtube I could access at most, or a very low sexual novelty platform at most, my behaviour never goes this chronic edging and binging way when I can only access things like this. I am basically hardly ever on it at all when I can only access things like this, and even when I do end up on it the sessions are very short.

My behaviour only seems to go this chronic edging and binging way when I have access to a high novelty sexual platform. So mainly when everything is unblocked.

But again basically getting a little taste of it from time to time with those unrestricted youtube videos is probably going to keep the addiction alive, causing me to eventually want to seek higher levels of sexual novelty.

 

It comes across like we all expect perfectionism when it comes to this. If we don't achieve perfectionism, so if we have a slip for instance, that's not perfect, and this causes us to basically freak out, obsess and worry.

But why can't we just think to our selves that we will aim for perfectionism, but we won't be shocked or upset if we don't achieve it? Why don't we just think to ourselves that our behaviour is a lot better compared to what it used to be, and we are constantly heading in the right direction? Why can't we realise that we are all a constant working progress? Sure perfectionism would be nice, but I feel like we shouldn't expect it, and we shouldn't get extremely upset and worried when we don't achieve it. I think that we should keep in mind that we are all a working progress, heading in the right direction, regardless if we are not constantly perfect.

 

Compulsively searching arousing stuff on the internet is a completely different behaviour from looking at attractive women in real life.