It is destroying my life.

Well porn messed up with your identity.
Stop porn.
Do a 90 day reset and work on your self esteem.

 

Do the exactly opposite things what trans does sexually / or what youre doing. If you have a fantasy then dont think of it. Try it atleast for 22 days. Abstain from everything, porn, masturbation. Put on some manly clothes, comb your hair, style your beard. Get a wrist watch.

 

Listen to Beekind. Cutting something out of your life usually always makes you stronger. Once you stop PMO for a couple of weeks you will feel it easier to move on and leave it behind. Your mind will be elsewhere. You will feel free.

 

Porn-induced fetishes and kinks will fade over time with abstinence. You just have to try your hardest to stop fantasizing about them. It took a little over a year before I noticed mine begin to diminish, but now they are almost completely gone after 20 months of NoFap.

 

This kind of porn is even worse than some others. This is because the fantasy involved is not just about escaping into a different situation, but into a different *identity*. Over time it's no surprise this can cause all kinds of confusion and negative feelings about oneself. The remorse you feel afterwords is because -after the dopamine crash- you realize that was not who you really are or want to be. The only way out of this cycle is to abstain from all porn for a good amount of time, until your brain & body reset. It is reversible, but takes some time and a commitment to walk away from the darker areas of the internet.