Today, I cried. I really cried. I can't carry this rock above me anymore.

Today was incredibly sad. I started getting withdrawal symptoms.. I started getting headaches. I started feeling down. I started having the "What is the point of life" thoughts in my head. "Nothing excites me anymore without porn feeling in my head." I've blocked my ability to access most porn. But then a devilish side of me took over and I found a creative way to access porn. NSFW discord servers. When I relapsed, I cried. I literally cried and bawled out my eyes. It feels like I'm under a 2000 lbs rock. I feel crushed. I was home alone in the house listening to really depressing music and I went to the kitchen and stared at a sharp blade for about 5 minutes. "Telling myself, do you really want to go to this point? Why can't you stop? I fucking hate myself. I can't control myself, I'm worthless." I had so much hope I was going to not relapse, but I ended up relapsing quicker than I ever thought. I need help. I've failed NoFap over 200 times. I'll continue to keep trying, one day I'll be successful. I know I will.