Internet history exposed...possibly

Yesterday I ended up telling my fiance about my problem with porn. She already had a feeling something was wrong for a while because I have been depressed. I told her that this is what I was talking about in my therapy and that I've struggled with it for years. She really didn't think much of it at first. She even said she didn't think I had a problem. I had to tell her, no I mean it was a big problem. There is a lot of shame around it for me. I just told her I had gotten into some dark stuff and she told me she didn't need me to tell her everything. She was very understanding and she said that whatever it is I love you no matter what. She then said unless you're gay or something. I told her I am not, because I'm not and she didn't question anything else.

I'm happy she was understanding of everything I said but I didn't end up telling her about my paranoia about my sister in law possibly seeing my internet history. If I told her how I was feeling about that wouldn't I have to tell her the kind of porn I escalated to? I'd have to give her the details because how else would I explain how devastated I am about them possibly knowing. What if she ends up asking my sister in law and she tells her. Should I just tell my fiance everything?? I could explain to her what escalation is and how porn can rewire your brain, but even tho she is so understanding about everything so far, I don't know how she would take me watching trangendered and even gay porn. I don't know how I could explain to her that that's not what I want. That I just want her and that I have a problem.

 

I understand. That makes a lot of sense. After I do tell her how the porn escalates, after she knows pretty much everything, should I even tell her about how I think her family knows? If they really do know I don't think they will stop leaving these hints. Or almost trying to get me to confess it. But I guess all that matters is I tell her and if she can understand, that's all that matters. If they wanna do what they are doing then I just have to deal with it and know that at least I told my fiance.

 

Thank you yes I believe you're right.

 

I see what you're saying. I wouldn't want to tell her all the details just so I don't feel guilty anymore. Therapy and meditation seems like the next move for sure.

I know I keep bringing this up in the thread, but since you mentioned it's probably best I don't give her all the details, what if someone else does?

 

I do feel better for having told her. She seemed to accept it and understand. I'm glad I told her.

Thank you for what you said. You're right, it is my house and I have to stop letting these people get to me. They're my fiancees family so I'll see them from time to time. They don't live with us anymore, but I can definitely limit how much I see them and interact with them. I really don't need that shit in my life.

 

Well I did tell her that I have the P problem and that it got into some dark stuff. She said I didn't need to tell her everything so I didn't. She actually does know that I have insecurities. She knows that sometimes I can feel emasculated...that is something that comes from my childhood. I put this in another post, but I was molested by an older neighborhood boy when I was a kid. It messed me up big time. I put up a lot of walls and I feel maybe the porn I ended up watching could have something to do with that. She knows I was molested and she is completely understanding of that. So I guess when I told her about the porn she didn't really care too much. I tried to tell her it was a problem but she said whatever it is she loves me which was awesome. So now I'm just trying to stay away from it the best I can. Day 16 now.

 

I haven't told my parents no. I couldn't do it. It would break my mom's heart. Especially after all these years. My dad passed away about 10 years ago so I wasn't able to tell him. The only people that know are my fiancée, my cousin and a few close friends. Also the few therapists that I've seen. I haven't even told my sister who I'm very close to. I feel my mom and sister would be hurt but also angry and I don't want to put that on them. My sister knows the person who did it. Not now. Just when we were kids.

 

Yeah I can understand that. I know people do that all the time just to mess around. They never used to do it before tho. With me at least. It's either joking or they know. I can't know for sure unless they actually say something or I ask them. If I bring it up tho, and they didn't know then...well now they do.

When it comes down to it, I cannot control other people or read minds. Like what other people have said on this thread, I already told my fiancée my problem and she understood, so I feel I need to just move on and try and be less paranoid about it. Stay strong with NoFap and keep going.

 

So I am feeling triggered by my sister in law again. She is staying with us for a few days. I know this will sound crazy...I just got off of work and my fiancée told me that my sister in law bought me sausage fried rice extra sausage....it just triggered me. Is it all in my head maybe but I just got mad and hurt and upset all at once. I haven't seen her in a while and the first thing she does is buy me food with extra sausage in it without me even asking for food. She has literally brought me summer sausage before and stuff like that and I swear she is trying to mess with me. I have to go into the house now. I know this sounds so crazy but I just think that she will continue to do stuff like this and I can't say anything because I will look like a crazy person. I feel like I'm being gaslighted in the weirdest way...idk

 

I did tell her about the porn problem. I told her that I am addicted and that's why I went to therapy. I told her it got out of hand and we to some "dark places". Telling her I have watched transsexual and gay porn before scares me so much. I don't want her to think that I'm less of a man. I don't want to hurt her. But I also can't keep dwelling on it with thinking her family knows. I'm trying to be strong and not have to put this on her, but I keep getting triggered. Maybe she will understand though. She is an open person. Very caring.

 

You could be completely right. I ate the food. I was cordial. I had a few beers and tried to relax. I didn't make a scene or anything. I may have had major anxiety inside but it did eventually die down. I think even while her family is there, I have to try and distance my self.

 

Hi everyone,

So it's been a couple months since my last post. There have been some ups and downs with my porn free recovery. I've slipped up a few times but I definitely am on a better path than I was. I want to thank everyone who has commented. You've all really help me a lot. I still have a long way to go and I do struggle from time to time.

I'm not actually sure if this even belongs here because I guess it has more to do with paranoia, but it involves my porn use so I'll tell you what's going on.

Yet again, I'm feeling triggered by none other than my fiancees family. They are staying with us again for a few days and this time my sister in laws husband has made some comments towards me that I think are a deliberate attempt to trigger me. We were watching a YouTube video on some Asian fish market where they were preparing sea cucumber to eat....he says oh sorry does this make you uncomfortable. I said no why and he mentioned because they look like dicks and I said no but otherwise I kinda froze. I was so pissed off. It feels like it's just some inside joke now. I don't know how to react anymore. I think I have major hocd but I haven't been diagnosed. It seems like her family knows what triggers me and they are doing it on purpose now. I can't stand this feeling. I just want to confront them and ask what the fuck they are doing, but if I do, then it will be known that this affect me and I'll have to tell my fiancee all the details of why I get upset. Why I think people are living sexual dick inuendos all over my house. Should I confront them? I tried staying strong and leaving it be, but it seems like it's every time I see them now. I even think her mom left a pink blanket in the shape of a dick on my bed while she was here and I was at work...idk anymore. I could you some more feedback.

Thanks so much guys.