Telling the Wife

Both of those studies state honesty creates intimacy and better relationships. We are also not talking about white lies. The little lie of omitting that you think your wife looks awful in her sweat pants and not telling her you just cheated on her are two completely different scenarios. Why don’t you look at actual research by Dr. Kevin Skinner, Patrick Carnes, Robert Weiss, Sue Johnson. Lots of research. Of course we are giving you personal experiences, however most of us have done the research. Most betrayed spouses do more research than people with PhD’s. We want our marriages to work so we search for the solution.

 

Since we don't know her opinion on the matter your hole post has no fundament at all. Maybe she is ok with porn, maybe she doesn't care about it or maybe is the worst thing that happened to her.. assuming that she think like you and advice from that view is not accurate.

At the end of the day she never tell him that looking at porn is a betrayal, so if it's not in the boundries of the relationship, then is not like he cheated or something like that.
He is the one with a problem, and he is the one looking to get better. Why it has to be about the woman? Why he need to tell her that? If he wants to keep it to himself is his choice..

 

Props to your husband. Sounds like he is about a year ahead of me in recovery. I relate to just about everything you wrote here. Still trying to figure things out. Reading this was pretty therapeutic for me though. That's what a real success story in the making looks like.

 

Well, how do you know she never told him? I guess then, since my husband never told me that sexting and camming with people was a boundary then I’m free to do that in secret and not disclose to him. Why would he be so afraid to share if it’s not going to bother her? I’d say because he has a damn good idea that she won’t take it well. You are right that each couple can have different expectations in a relationship. I know couples who swing, they don’t consider it cheating until and unless one of them does it in secret! She may very well say “ let me join you and we can watch together”. So there really shouldn’t be any fear or problem with him telling her, right?

 

Fortunately, he has a great understanding of addiction. With counseling, he has begun to understand why HE is an addict. With saa groups he has people who can share the same struggle/shame/story and help hold him accountable. The last 2 years has been brutal. For both of us. He has made recovery a priority and it shows. You cannot do this alone. That much is obvious. Watching him change, seeing how our kids now react and respond to him, that is by far the greatest reward I’ve seen. He thought telling the kids he was a porn addict would mean they wouldn’t love him. seeing them accept him and grow closer as he remained sober longer and longer has helped him form connections. I think our kids have really had the biggest impact on his desire to not fall back.

 

@p1n1983 does your wife know you PMO? Is she fine with it?

 

I’m pretty sure he isn’t married

 

Yes. I've heard it said that the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection (with others). Addiction is fueled by isolation.

 

Yes .
Consider that no one in this thread knows your wife and her moral ideals.
I do not think that every partner is strong enough to do not blame and truly support you in every scenario.
It depends a lot on her character and her morality.

Some may get so angry that they are not supportive.
Thinking they've been betrayed. What would be ideal is a partner who supports you even if you fall.

 

Best advice. If you're not cheating her with a man so you can tell her about your bisexuality. It shouldn't matter to her as it is like being straight. You're straight that doesn't mean you're having sex with other girls right so why does being bisexual change anything if you're loyal. If she wants to have a threesome mmf to spice things up lol. Regarding porn addiction and masturbation, bro kick these habits out as quickly as possible.

 

I dont think there will ever be a thing of getting past the hurt. However, there can be a thing of working through it. My husband tells me things now and it may sting a bit here and there (a lot of what he tells me doesn't hurt if it is something unintended; it is the intended stuff that stings). However, i know he is trying.
There are a few SO's that are removed from the addiction by their choice, and recovery is fully in the hands of the addict. They chose this way to avoid the hurt so they could continue to work on the relationship.
I think the not knowing of how your wife will respond will add to the guilt of you not telling her though. This could inhibit your recovery. Again, not telling you what to do or not to do, just wanted to point that out in case you've not realized it yet.

 

You do understand that the biggest betrayel that caused the hurt is not tge addiction/porn. It is the very fact that you have chosen to hide something and to repeatedly lie about it. It is the lying and gas lighting that causes tge most damage. Very few women leave because of the porn. Most leave because of the lies. Coming clean and telling your partner BEFORE she discovers it gives couples the very best chance at success both in beating the addiction and healing the relationship.

 

You actually can get part the hurt and you can trust again. I know because we did it. We did it without knowing it was an addiction and very little help. Took me 3 years almost exactly. He did the things the counselor told him to rebuild trust. Problem was though, it wasn’t known or treated as an addiction so he was a dry drunk and relapsed at almost 5 years. Now it’s a little different story because I learned that he can be clean for long periods of time and then go right back to it. He earned my trust back then betrayed it again. Now, I do not think I will ever completely trust. But now I also trust myself more. That is thanks to my csat for helping me learn to trust myself again.

 

First of all, having come to know the stories of the other SOs in this post through reading their words and advice in other threads, they are supporting their husbands in their recovery. It is unrealistic to expect a significant other to not experience some level of betrayal. For us it can be like being hit by a nuclear bomb and then we are left to pickup the pieces. BUT while we are in trauma, while we are now dealing with a life we did not choose, trying to know a man who feels like a stranger to us, we are still supporting him. In my particular case my husband grew up in a home where he had to be perfect. Feelings were not allowed beyond happy for the most part. And his parents did not model a good marriage. And they didn't like me because I'm a more matriarchal type and that did not fly in that family. He did not know how to engage in real intimacy and by not doing it he developed a very bad coping mechanism for stress. He transferred his parents forced perfection onto his role as a husband and worried if he came to me emotionally about bad things he would not be perfect and I would not love him. That is not the case. Now, as he is trying to attempt permanent recovery he is coming to me with all his emotions - good and bad. And I am being supportive every single time. Do I have boundaries? Yes. Am I still dealing with trauma shit? You bet. But I am being supportive.

I think this idea of wanting a significant other who would take on zero emotional damage and be nothing but supportive is transferring a porn mentality onto the significant other. Only pixel woman wouldn't be hurt. You cannot expect someone in a relationship that is supposed to be intimate and committed to not be hurt in some way when the other person turned away from the relationship. Your wife is a person. Don't transfer an unrealistic expectation on to her.

 

@RiverBlue I wanted to hear you and respond thoughtfully. You pose a valuable question.

What I hear you saying is: you have been lying to your wife for 15 years. (How is this possible? Are you proud of this cunningness?) She married someone she doesn't fully know, and you want to control whether she gets to know these details about the man she committed too. This comes across as very narcissistic.

I agree, this is true. You don't think it affects things. That's how you see it. That's fair. From your vantage point you maintain that belief.
However, you are only 1/2 of the relationship. And yet you never disclosed to her so you can't speak for how she feels, she is left in the dark. So what I hear you saying is "I don't have a problem with my beliefs/behaviors so there is no problem."
And you also pull a classic addict play here: and minimize the effects of porn. The monster wants what it wants, so instead of abhoring it, you minimize it, either way it still lives.

I agree and disagree. One does have to tell, but not for why you assume. And no, I don't think it's a prerequisite.
Sharing your addiction does little to heal it. There are plenty of single, or divorced men still trying to overcome it with no partner. She is not/ can not be the solution for quitting and reclaiming your life. We started the compulsion before our wifes, we are not dependent on them to overcome it. It has to be a personal journey or else it will never stick. I've seen many men in group try for thier wife only to relaspe over and over. Total commitment comes when we hold ourselves accountable.
Now the reason you have to tell isn't because she is the solution or needs the trauma. It's because to overcome any addiction we must put away fantasyland and come back to reality. When life is difficult or pain ensues, we must face it sober. The numbing out, lust, dopemine rushes, all those things we use to escape must cease. And in order to stay away from them we must stay in the present. Stay in reality, aka. honesty at all costs. If you plan on being intentional, and true to yourself 100%, you cannot be simultaneously carrying a lie. Therefore since you are married you would have to tell. It's about being authentic, and loving yourself enough to not allow deciept or denial into your life. At all costs.

If you want secrets, be alone, nobody is stopping you.

Again like I stated above, you are half right. Correlation isnt causation.
Must a person have a partner to quit porn? No
Can a single Person quit porn? Yes
Can a person quit porn addiction without opening to someone else? There is no record of it ever happening.

Can a partnered person quit as if they were single? (I hear you essentially asking this)
No. Because a partnered person isn't single.

You cannot recover without rigorous honesty. Any other method to get around the inevitable is shame, avoidance and denial. Both are best friends of the addict. You can disagree, I will call it as I see it Denial.

Not to recover from it. In time as you recover you will have to be honest. You reach a crossroad, where either we decide to let go of the fear, and accept all the consequences or we continue and choose the monster. We kill him and heal or we keep feeding it.
Maybe you're not there yet, that's okay it's a process.

I hear your shame crying. It would be nice to not have to face the sad reality. It would be nice if we didn't traumatize the person we love so much. It would be nice if people could just all get over it and move on without pain and suffering. That's not reality. Classic porn addict behavior: pretend things are fantastic and wonderful and not have to experience the real ugliness of reality. The reality is you look at porn, the reality is you lie to your wife. The reality is you kid yourself. It's not peaches and roses anymore. We have done things we are ashamed of.

#1 it's okay if you don't see how. That's honest to admit what you don't know.
#2 is just plain selfishness, conflict would be uncomfortable. That would affect you, now we wouldn't want the addict to be uncomfortable, better numb out.

And hurt feelings whether hers or yours are the naturally consequences of poor behavior and attitudes. Don't deny your feelings, experience them.

Dude I genuinely hope the very best for you. I may have come across harsh if so I was directing that at the addict monster we want to die, not the good part of you.

I have much more to say. Be kind to yourself, you may be meeting parts of you you never knew existed. I wish you hope and healing.

 

Let's remove the wife and telling her about it for a second.

Are you aware of how P effects you and your brain? As in, have you read the scientific studies about the neuroscience behind P addiction?