Dating skills

I know this site treats NoFap as a magic pill where you get masculine super powers, but be wary of that. The benefits are indirect, since the willpower and temperance developed are certainly helpful in dating, and your general attitude may be better also since you're not hiding any porn use, etc. I encourage you to do NoFap for its own direct, obvious benefits, since if you attach your *dating success* to nofap success then what will happen if you have a couple bad dates? It's very easy to say "Fuck this, NoFap is stupid!" and then swirl down the PMO cycle... making you feel shittier and shittier over time.

On the flip side, if you have some great dates and get a hot girlfriend, you can justify using porn again easily by saying "Well, I got this hot babe now, guess I don't need NoFap anymore" and go to PMO the next time you're alone... ending up at the PMO'er mindset.

I've had times that were very easy for me to talk to girls, have a bunch of sex, and still be addicted to PMO while feeling shitty about myself when alone.

Out of curiosity, why do you tell yourself this in such an absolute way? I did this to myself like 20 years ago, as my own enemy.

FWIW, to get good at talking to girls:

• Exercise regularly, have a decent diet
• Learn a bit about body language/psychology/inner game
• Find/Develop a good clothes style/haircut
  
• Go chit chat/talk to *a lot* of strangers you bump into day to day (cashiers, etc)
• Approach women you're attracted to, talk to them, ask 'em out if you like them (NoFap doesn't make this easy, but the willpower helps make it possible)

 

Nofap can change your views on what you are looking for in girls - you won't rely on looks too much, but will be looking for someone with good internal qualities specifically. Try for yourself, worth it 100%. And do it for yourself first of all, other external motivations just an addition.

 

Go out and approach women

 

Primaljade's post was pretty comprehensive and conveyed a lot of what I was going to say. I totally agree that this site treats NoFap as a magic bullet to every single issue in life. That creates unrealistic expectations. But the real (sometimes subtle / not so glamorous) benefits of NoFap are legitimately lifechanging in the long run.

NoFap will not causes aspiring instagram models to start clawing at your bedroom door, trying to get in. But it will (gradually, you need patience) transform you a man who much more successful, and correspondingly much more attractive to the opposite sex.

Try not to get so caught up in negative, repetitive thinking patterns like you mentioned. It's easier said than done, something I know because I continue to struggle with my own self-talk. Relationships are difficult and for some people it takes a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to find the right person. But good attitude and persistence will get you there.

 

I'd recommend Mark Manson's Models and Robert Glover's Dating Essentials for some guidance on dating skills. You might not agree with everything they say (and you don't have to) and since they're (obviously) two different authors they contradict each other at points but I'm sure you'll find something useful.

Howie Reith on Quora is fantastic too. I highly recommend him. For example, he says in [https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-become-a-more-attractive-man/answers/14506168]:

"The first thing you need to accept is that you will never be attractive to every woman. Women have widely divergent tastes. Hell, some of them aren't interested in men at all. A quality one woman will drool over will be repulsive to another.

For this reason, I maintain that one should not aim to be generally attractive, as this is a guaranteed path to failure. Rather aim to be authentic, such that women who are compatible with you will be extremely attracted to you, and women who are not right for you will be repulsed by you. This makes life easier for you in the long run."​

Love Life Solved [https://www.lovelifesolved.com/] might be useful as well. Their dating library (of advice) is a goldmine.

 

This.

 

That's good that you have realistic expectations. I was more generally referencing the fact that the NoFap community has a lot of hucksters / charlatins in its orbit who are willing to promise the moon to men who are 1.) addicted 2.) often lonely and desperate. Those people are looking for clicks and I consider them to be operating in absolute bad faith.

As for your situation: NoFap will absolutely help you talk to women more easily and in a more attractive fashion. An effective long term strategy is required for that.

As others have said, your focus should be on becoming more comfortable with yourself. Your discomfort talking to attractive women is, at least in part, a product of discomfort with yourself. I used to feel that I was inferior, that I wasn't worthy of love or affection, that my acne scars made me ugly, that my voice was nasily and droning. When my head was filled with that malicious self-talk, my demeanor / body language communicated that to the world. I was shy, hunched over, and very negative. Knowing that, I doubt you will be surprised to know that my love life was pretty unsatisfying.

Gradually I was able to fight back and now I have a healthier self-image: I know am a decent, generous person who IS worthy. Although I do have acne scars, I know that I am handsome and I'm very fit. Although I have a nasily, droning voice, I can still make people laugh and they enjoy my company. Do I still have days where I struggle with my self-image? Absoooolutely! But it's a lot better than before.

When I was lonely and feeling down about dating, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I needed to put that on hold and focus on myself. But it turns out all the gurus say that because its true. It'll help you become more relaxed and outgoing. That makes it easier to talk to women, which is what you're after. Also, if you can try to expand your circle of friends, that will put you around more women in a casual setting. Meeting girls through friends is the best way. Cold-approaches has so much pressure and is ridiculously nerve-wracking; also, those brutal rejections can put you right back at feeling shitty about yourself. And online dating is a minefield.

I'm confident you'll eventually figure this out. You're on here trying to actively improve yourself while most people are basically sleep-walking through life, never second guessing their worst impulses. That seems like a good sign.