Aggressive and angry thoughts

I find that I have to deal with these sort of thoughts far more often than I would like. The thoughts in verbal form follow along the theme of hating myself, my friends, my family and other people in general. I also have thoughts of killing myself and the aforementioned groups of people.

This sounds awful when I actually write it down so let me be completely clear: I have no plans to hurt myself or anyone else. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

The problem I am having is with anger, frustration, and regret. I will remember something from my past out of nowhere and just immediately think something along the lines of "I hate myself and should probably just go kill everyone". Again, no plans, just default thoughts that are very frustrating and unproductive. To the extent that I have suffered legitimate suicidal ideation in the past is the extent to which I have sought professional help. I have never indulged in any series ideation of killing another person. My hatreds and frustrations are directed much more inwardly than outwardly, not that that makes it any better. Hatred and frustration are hatred and frustration non matter which they are pointing.

I went through an extremely angry, aggressive, and self destructive phase as a teenager than involved no small amount of public humiliation in front of my peers, property destruction, and hospitalization for mental health reasons. Don't start smoking pot at 12 years old, and if you do don't lie about it your friends, your family, and yourself. And don't blame your mom for your own choices. I blamed my mom for everything both to her face and to anyone else that would listen, but it was not her fault. I made my own choices.

The thoughts I am dealing with now seem to be echoes of those years of my life, echoes of those choices. It is as tough there is a voice inside me that is just itching to scream "I hate you" as loud and aggressively as it can and when it can't scream it says all sorts of other things that I don't want to hear. It really is like living with a devil, or being forced to share a home with an extremely angry person.

I am writing it down here because I want to feel less alone and I am hoping doing so will take the edge of the internal screaming and helping redirect the thoughts that reoccur in my mind. I try to focus on more positive thoughts and otherwise redirect my thinking when these hateful and angry thoughts rear their ugly heads. And I think that might be easier if I just sort of get honest about it anonymously.

One of my deepest frustrations is with people pitying my. My parents did it, my sister does it, and I have seen myself do it and I hate it. What I mean is, there is a habit some people of relating to people in this way: you are the one who is struggling, I am the one who is helping. It's a power dynamic and I hate it. A much better default position is this: we are all suffering, here's what I do. That's an attitude that is actually helpful.

That's enough for this post. I think I just needed to get those things of my chest. To summarize, I deal with harmful, angry, and aggressive thoughts and I don't want to feel like I am alone in those thoughts. I sort of want to know if other people deal with the same thing. I have no plans to hurt myself or anyone else. If that's what was going on I would push the panic button, set up an appointment with a doctor, or call a close friend. Probably all three.

Okay, I am finished, thank you for reading.

 

Thank you, I think this is all I want. The fact of the matter is that I have all sort of ridiculous, distracting, and unproductive thoughts. Talking about them, or admitting that I have them makes it a little easier to redirect them I think. Honestly, I am more worried about people trying to get me help than I am people thinking I am trying to be edgy.

 

I actually find myself dealing with thoughts like this really often. Agression, self-loathing, suicidal, murderous thoughts. I don't have real plans of doing anything, but I really have dealt with the suicidal ideation a lot in my adolescence.

It sucks sometimes, but one thing I've learned is that this is the emotional side of our brain trying to make itself heard. Don't shun these thoughts, but rather listen to them. Where do they stem from? Try to understand them. Allow these thoughts to flow through your mind freely but still know that they don't define you or your life experience. The worst thing you could do is try to repress them and tell yourself that you're bad for thinking like this. You're not bad for having these thoughts. Agression is a totally healthy emotion and is partly what gives you a masculine drive. It is only bad when you begin to act out these thoughts and put others in harm but as you have stated, you have zero intention of going through with this.

So what I'm saying is that, let these thoughts play out for a little. See them, really think through it. It's basically just your brain letting out a bunch of previously repressed emotions. Afterwards, try to understand them and redirect these thought. Think things like "I'm never actually going to do these things, I'm just thinking it", and such. Hope this helps.

 

It’s good to know I am not alone. I am working on my inner monologue. In terms of the committee of the mind I am empowering the proper committee members while sanctioning the bad actors. It’s a battle and I am not always sure who’s on whose side, but I am fighting.

 

I sort of want to keep this thread alive. I did about ten minutes of meditation this morning and while it sounds crazy I can sort of feel where all these thoughts are coming from. It's like there is a wound in my mind and when I am not paying close attention to what I am saying and doing the wound gets dirty and starts to show signs of infection and then I start thinking angry and hateful things. Pornography and other bad habits are like an effort to put a balm on that wound and while that balm might feel soothing, it doesn't do anything to clean the wound and help it heal.