Divorced, Recovering from porn escalation

Sorry you're going through a tough time. You're right PMO is not good for anyone and your fetish or attraction to gay porn can be explained by that. Don't be too hard on yourself or draw any conclusions about your sexuality while you're still addicted and actively PMOing. The porn brain is foggy and just doesn't fire right to let you make good decisions or draw conclusions. I would suggest you do what we are all doing in here, working on ourselves to try to become the best version of ourselves that we can be. If you can work on defeating this PMO monster, a lot of other things will spring from that. I would likely say that when you get to a healthy place, you will be more confident, more comfortable with yourself and you will be ready to meet that special someone meant for you and be able to form the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

I would also suggest that it is very hard to conquer this on your own. What is working for me to help me break free of this, besides the wonderful people in here who are so supportive, is a therapist, a weekly NoFap group, lots of reading (Patrick Carnes has some great books, and lots of others too), and recently joined an SAA group. That and the NoFap group are very powerful in hearing other's stories of their sex addiction and how they are working to get to recovery, and being able to tell other human beings your story on addiction. There is no judgment, but welcoming and support. And folks in those groups can really relate because they struggle with the same thing. Stopping PMO is hard, but getting to the root of the issue as to what drove you there and kept you there is what we all need to get to and understand. You mentioned issues with self-esteem, anxiety, sexual orientation, etc. A lot of us struggle with those same things. Working with a good therapist can really help with that. I'd encourage you to find one that specifically has experience with sexual addiction.

Lots of suggestions from guys in here on how to work through the urges and distract yourself with positive uses of your time, such as exercise, cold showers, journaling, reading, music or other creative ventures, healthy cooking and eating, etc. Getting into those positive habits are an extreme help for me. And ways you can find to be social with current friends, family or making new friends will help also. Addiction thrives in secrecy and isolation, but dies in honesty and connection.

Please remember that you are worth it, you are special, and you can overcome this with the help of others. Best wishes.

 

Don't question your sexuality, just let this thoughts come and go now, don't think too much about it. Instead get your shit together - nofap hard mode 90 days (at least, or even aim at 1 year), your hobbies and life goals (it's not so easy to know what you truly want), sports! cold showers! praying, meditation and mindfulness, educate yourself about this addiction. Make this your #1 goal ('getting shit together'), you will meet girls during this way unintentionally don't make them your first priority.
And never tell yourself 'I am not worth a good woman'

 

Watch the lectures, that are in my signature, it may help big time. Psychology Of The Mind - Soulmates, Dating & Relationships

 

Marriege before sex is a suicide. You never know how's the chemistry with a girl before having sex: you two could be soul mate but sex may be terrible. In that case, you surely don't want to marry that girl.

Hope you learn for the future

 

Escalation completely ignores if we would be comfortable with doing something and new genenre is more exciting, so when we reach the point when it is something that goes against our orientation it is verh confusing. For many people it is the moment when the alarm bells, but experimenting on more mundane porn induced fetishes may lead to disastrous effect. It is hard but we should ignore effects of escalation and wait to eradicate them.

 

Are you eyeing up guys in public or fantasize picking up men? Have you considered you might be bisexual, this is fine either way. You can't force your sexual orientation, but you can figure out who you are and accept it instead of creating your own anxiety.

 

It is a good test imo. I had hocd and it never happened to me. If something attracts us only in porn and not in real life it is better to drop it.

The problem with hocd is that there is nothing to accept because there is nothing there. This is a bullshit attraction created by porn and most people feels that there is something wierd about it. I had a period of time when I decided to accept that I am bisexual for greater peace of mind, but I was still really unsure about it. I switched from feeling that I think I am straight but it feels like lying to claim this to thinking that I am bi but it still felt like lying to me. It was the feeling of questioning that was agonising. I did progress with my reboot and I have realised that I am really straight and it felt wierd to identify as bisexual because I wasn't that. Trying to figure out your orientation if you are addicted to porn is hard if not impossible and it is better to leave this until we are healed from effects of esclation.

 

That's good for you. You will make it!

 

I'm sure about that, but you could have avoided a lot of sufferings and saved a lot of energy by doing things in the correct order

 

I think that escalation is such a new phenomenon that most people are unaware of that and just assumethat if you watch some kind of porn you have to be into it irl. I escalated to generally bdsm and submission related fetishes and gay porn was at the extreme end of this in a way. My natural kink that I developed in early childhood (furries) feels very random like most of natural kinks but when it comes to escalation there is a "logic" to it. For example femdom->trans->femboys->regular gay porn. There is usually some direction to it.

For some gay men it is just uncomfortable, but for some it is disgusting and almost a treason. You had sex with a woman? Are you perverted or what? I have seen some such discussions on the internet.

I think that you will be fine, it just takes time.

 

I would strongly disagree with this. I have never had sex outside of marriage, and am still married to my first girlfriend.

#1: When you, as a couple, wait until marriage, your communication is not limited to the universal physical language that subverts true mental connections--you can actually talk to communicate. Regardless of whom you might marry, most of your relationship involves talking. Only a small percentage of your communication/connection will involve the physical intercourse. If the two people in the relationship do not connect at a mental/intellectual level, there's no point trying the physical to see if it will keep you connected. It won't. That's about like having a baby to keep you together--a huge fail for many couples.

#2: When you know, and your partner knows, that neither of you has waited until marriage to enter the sexual relationship, you know that your "significant other" does not regard the marriage relationship as sacred and inviolable. That means that he or she might be finding someone else on the side just as easily as how he or she consented for you. This means you have lost TRUST in the relationship. That trust can never be truly regained. You only had one chance to show the strength of your fidelity, and you blew it already. You cannot, while married, cease having sexual relations for awhile to show him or her your change of heart--it would do the opposite, and he or she would most certainly be suspicious that you had found some other outlet. Why should your words be trusted either at this point?

This is part of the reason that divorces have become so commonplace. The happiest marriages will be among those who waited for their wedding day to know their partners fully.

Before marriage, talk. Ask questions. Spend time together in a variety of situations: shopping, babysitting, at work, camping with friends (group setting), taking walks together, going on a picnic, cooking, housecleaning, taking the car in for repairs--or fixing it together, if you have the skill, playing music together, etc. Avoid going to the movies, because everyone is just supposed to sit quietly without talking or making noise. Anyplace where you're not getting to know each other via communication is a waste of time. Once married, will you still have enough in common to keep up the mutual interest?

Building a marriage might be compared to building a house. You don't just walk up to any house and expect it to be your dream house. Neither would you just ask your friend to build you one, giving him no directions as to how to do it. You would communicate extensively with the builders, making sure each part was just how you liked it, before settling on it. It takes planning and work. In similar manner, a good marriage doesn't just happen by chance. With planning for the future, working on it together, it can be a very satisfying relationship.

 

This is not a problem.

This however is. Especially if there are no other factors to compensate that.

OP and his wife were never "soul mates" in the first place. Maybe I am wierd but I believe that if you are soul mates with someone and mutually attracted to each other sex isn't that hard to figure out.

 

Well cascadence27 you learned about female nature by getting married and that's a great teaching you win already, you are very young and didnt get her pregnant I hope.
So remember always that experience even if you find the "right girl" and you overcome your sexual problems women are very difficult to deal with no matter how "special" they look and act.

 

i feel your pain mate.
It is a self-esteem issue.
Start working on it straight away.
Don't fight your addiction yet, start slowly and as you grow in confidence start stretch your streaks.

Your story is the norm and not the exception.

How do u work on your self-esteem?
Write down every day 15 times or so:
I have healthy self-esteem or healthier self-esteem.
i am a confident man. or my confidence is always growing.

It will take a bit of time but your brain will change and so will your behavior. ( expect few months to few years)
Don't think there is something wrong with you, the governments around the world failing to protect their citizens from this evil industry.