35 and Older Accountability Group

Checking in.

Following the advice from a few guys on this forum, I've sort-of kind-of made it easier to look at porn on my computer. It's still basically impossible to view porn under normal circumstances, but I've created a USB drive that sits in my desk drawer--all I have to do is put it in my laptop or my desktop and I'll have instant, unrestricted access to anything I want.

The first day I tried that I had a reset (or course), but I was surprised how boring it was. The second day was the same, but even more boring. Then I had a run of several days without any problems, and then a reset on Saturday night, but, again, I didn't get much of a charge from it. It seems like a large part of this addiction, for me, has been the adrenaline boost from doing something forbidden, and the more rules and blocks I put in place, the more I was reinforcing the problem.

At this point, I feel strangely free and relaxed. I won't say this is easy, but it's a much different battle than I'm used to fighting, and it's something of a relief. I'm hesitant to recommend this approach to anybody else, but I'm actually feeling very positive about the coming week. Sobriety has become my choice, instead of something that I have to trap myself into.

 

Tuesday morning checkin - watched a (positive!) youtube vid - ill post later - that made me have a serious think about where I was going and what my future could be like. Bit scsry but feel positive at the mo

 

I was one of those and I'm not 100% sure it was good advice lol.

I had an AP (who fired me and blocked me early on for being a doubting thomas in religion, but that's fine lol) and he has reached years of sobriety by using Covinent Eyes with APs accessing his internet history.

The addict brain is good at lies. If I keep failing maybe I need to try something like that.

Congrats on the wins.

 

Thanks Dear! You are having an amazing run on hard mode!

 

Day 22 - Feeling a bit calmer this Mon/Tues which are normally my trouble days. Now that I'm past the 7 and 14 day hurdles I am hoping to settle into a longer streak. June will be 1 year on NF so if I can get there that will 2 separate four month streaks in my first year and I will be very thankful for that. I'm not one for setting this type of longer term goal but I think as I look towards my one year this might be good additional motivation.

 

Checking in. As I've mentioned I'm in a difficult transition moment, but I'm very proud about how I'm handling it. Been exercising a lot, breathing and staying on top of cold showers and being efficient with my time. Also doing a lot of work in correctly framing my situation rather than letting the depressive elements take on an outsized role. Onward and upward!

 

Checking in as well. Recently developed a problem w/ ts porn. Would like to talk w/ other guys who have a similar issue. Let's motivate and encourage each other to make it through this difficult time.

 

That’s great man congratulations. 2 -4 month streaks in your first year shows some serious intent on your part so good job! I first found nofap in 2017 and have bounced in and out since. I’m on day 9 I think, day 6 was the worst. I’ve only made 3-4 weeks a few times, thinking it will be different this time. I picked up that book a lot of people here mention, atomic habits. New habits are what I need for sure. Best wishes on your journey to 4 months and beyond.

 

Thought I'd check in here since I don't have much to add to my journal. In my second week of making myself get up early and adhere to a schedule, and I'm liking this "routine." I think it helps keep me focused and keeps me spending my time with purpose. And I think tweaking things from one week to the next will help me in the long run with being adaptable.

I'm still searching for the places where I need to address my emotional responses as I'm still falling victim to obsessive thoughts/behaviors and not making much progress in addressing my emotional responses or lack thereof.

I'm feeling pretty good as for maintaining a nofap streak, but time moves so slow even when I'm not obsessively counting the days.

 

Hey CTR, I can relate, TS porn has been my go to porn for almost 20 years. Yes I been hooked for a long time. I’m feeling like this time is different on nofap. The TS curiosity led to many TS escorts and even several TS gf on the side. I’m not too worried about my attraction to them I am much more concerned about the effects the mind dulling little blue screen has had on my brain, my motivation, lack of focus and drive etc. As I said I first found out about TS girls from a friend about 20 years ago, I had never heard of it and sought out pictures right away. Within a few years I ratcheted up to seeing escorts. Then eventually started dating one, although it was more about her having a sugar daddy than a real relationship. I met another who was not an escort and we’ve hooked up on and off for the last 10 years. If you don’t want it to accelerate than best to drop it if you can because for many of us who start to dabble in that it usually leads to escorts and for some to gay experiences they normally would never contemplate. As I said the porn addiction is most critical for me to end and it was always TS porn. I have observed that on my current short streak I have been started desiring real woman again , which leads me to believe if I can stay away from porn, maybe the whole TS obsession will fade with it. I doubt any of this has been helpful but feel free to reach out if you want. Cheers

 

Morning all, checking in

 

Been into TS porn since the late 90s when I bought a leg/foot fetish magazine that, unannounced, featured a trans model. Did nothing for me at first but my interest in it has grown. Used to be a handful of online models I liked with a vast majority too masculine but now there's so many feminine looking ones and they know exactly what buttons to push to attract older men who've seen most things before.

I think if I met them in real life they'd be too tall have big hands/feet or those little masculine features they try and hide would absolutely put me off. But I find myself often looking up escorts and really considering it to try and get it out of my system. Lack of sex with my wife only makes it worse.

Apart from a couple of specific fetishes, hetero porn just doesn't do it for me anymore - it's definitely something that snowballs and now they don't even need to be that hot to turn me on.

I think you/we need to recognise it's just a porn thing and break away from it. You aren't going to see a hot TS in a film or walking down the street. They'll only be in places you specifically go and look for them. But I think breaking away from all porn is important because otherwise you're always looking for that next level up and you'll eventually get back there.

For me three days ago was a low point. I masturbated 5 times to TS porn including sneaking past the family to and from the bathroom to watch some in VR. Since then I've gone two days without any porn and going to try and continue that.

 

Checking in after two really rough days, but seem to have my motivation back today.

 

Checking in and going strong....strength to you all out there

 

Checking in. Got sideswiped by some accidental triggers yesterday, but the training has been strong and I was able to just say Fuck That and move on, whereas in the past I would have considered it a happy accident and fished. Haven't dwelled on it at all since, which is also new. Very proud of myself for that!

 

@Hilander01 and eagle25: Thank you both for sharing your stories. I can relate to so much of what you guys wrote. I've been on this site on and off for over 5 year now and thought I had this problem under control. The current situation has only made things a lot worse for me and found myself slipping up and starting to change my preferences. Really don't want to go down the ts escort/dating route, but it's scary how the thought starts creeping in there. It's a complicated issue and I regret ever stumbling upon this horribly insidious genre.

How are you guys coping during this time? Friends and family that I used to see pre-pandemic would keep me in check, as well as my favorite sporting/recreational activities and some travel I'd do that are no longer available. I'll take full responsibility for what I've gotten myself into, but it's definitely gotten worse over the last year.

 

IK2, did you relapse or fight through? I had a super tough day too and am surprised I didn’t fold

 

Hi CYR, I realize I sent many triggers and I apologize for that. Hang tough, eliminate porn and the rest will follow

 

Good job, you should be proud