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NEED HELP: NoFap Turned Me Straight/Bisexual? >200 days hardmode! (previously identified as gay)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by everydayitgetseasier, Mar 11, 2021.

Just gut reaction, what do you think I am?

  1. Straight

    42.1%
  2. Gay

    5.3%
  3. Bisexual

    47.4%
  4. Crazy

    5.3%
  1. everydayitgetseasier

    everydayitgetseasier Fapstronaut

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    • I know that title is super clickbaity but I’m pretty desperate for advice. I'm gonna try and be as brief as possible so you'll read through, but I'll elaborate on anything, just let me know.

    • I am over 6 months into nofap hard mode(doing school remote from home so not much opportunity for romance anyways), also been working out 6x a week (stretch Sunday too), wake up at 5:30 am every morning & run a mile, cold shower & meditation everyday, quit social media/reddit/youtube, and an addiction to the dota 2(competitive video game). It feels like throughout this process (probably because of nofap), I am increasingly feeling less gay and more attracted to women (I came out when I was 18 and thought I was gay since 15-16, PMO started at 14). It started in the first couple months, I started feeling really strong desires to have biological children, and imagining myself marrying a woman. I have never had sex with a woman even though throughout my life many have been interested in me, I have had several sexual relationships with men but nothing too serious, longest lasting 2 months (about 6 partners in my life). First sexual experience was 16 where me and a friend jerked each other off a couple times, then I hooked up with a different friend when I was 17.

    • In the beginning of Nofap when I had urges I would start to think about my previous boyfriend(more like 2 month hook-up partner), and had to stop myself from fantasizing, but now when I think of him I don't really feel any sexual attraction anymore. I know in the title I said straight, what I think might be more likely is that I am actually bisexual, I originally thought I might be bisexual when I was 15 or so but didn't want to be one of those people who come out as bi and then come out as gay later(petty, I know).

    • I started watching porn when I was about 14-15, in my freshman year of high school. I had never masturbated or looked at porn, but at summer camp there was a kid one year older than me who everyone thought was super weird because he had never done it, so I felt I had to. I remember as a kid feeling like a pervert for looking at women's breasts, and then when I started looking up porn it was with girls, just pictures of naked girls. At some point about a year later I start questioning my sexuality and lookup gay porn, didn't like it very much but felt drawl to it to some extent. Eventually I started to watch it more and convinced myself I was bisexual, then later thought I was gay after my experiences at 16 & 17. However, even years into my 'gay-identifying' years I still watched straight porn, looking at the girl not the guy, ~70% of the time (along with avg helping of weird disgusting stuff I've now found is common on this site). I thought this was where I was messed up at first(that I should be watching gay porn), but now I think could be the opposite, I was straight (or half-straight) watching gay porn. This may sound obvious, but the reason I always came back to thinking I was gay was because of how much I felt for my real life sexual interactions, as opposed to porn. However when I look back from where I am even those real life sexual experiences seem like mutual masturbation, I only remember "loving" one guy, my first.
    • Whats more is when I look back to how I was as a kid, I was very drawn to women (again that's the porn I started watching later at 14), and would never consider a man beautiful, thoughts of male sex seemed totally foreign to me and I couldn't relate to desiring it if I visualized it in my head. After spending more time on this forum, I have also read many accounts of people talking about HOCD(something I had never heard of), induced from porn and have related to the same feelings they felt (where I differ greatly however is that I actually went on to have sexual relations with men, where most who talk about HOCD here have not). Because of all this, and the timing of starting porn to questioning sexuality and how sort of indifferent I have mostly felt about my sexual partners, and how I now don't find them attractive and can't imagine wanting to have sex with them, I am concerned that I was always bisexual, or at maybe straight, and porn numbing me to women (like many other people describe on this site, straight or not) combined with the taboo of gay sex led me to only have those types of relationships, because my porn-numbed brain needed the extra kick of all too common taboo sexual satisfaction (same reason why step-sister porn is so popular). The danger of this thinking is that it could be very easily be propped up by all too common self directed homophobia turning into a sort of twisted straight idealism for myself. While I haven't suffered greatly from self-homophobia, I've seen it in others and it can make people do and think stupid things. What's more is that I now find myself unequivocally devoted to finding a future where I have a wife and biological children, and am uninterested in finding a boyfriend, but it is that certainty itself that grows my doubt about it all just being self directed homophobia(if it was really true wouldn't I feel more conflicted?). In addition, even though I know some will take offense to including this(and many gay men claim this while it not really being true about them), I feel like I should include that I do not come across as a gay man. When I came out in high school, despite being in choir and musicals at school, many didn't believe that I was homosexual, and thought I was lying to them, and only believed me after the 'proof' of my prom date.
    • What I'm really looking for is reactions and advice, if anyone has felt anything similar after going on a long streak and giving up porn for life. Even if you haven't felt anything similar I would really be very grateful for any reactions and impressions of how this comes across and whether I'm really feeling something or I could be making it up. Its hard to 'test' for two reasons, firstly its still quarantine and I'm living with my parents, and secondly I don't have real desire for any hookups anymore, so would only be interested in a slow moving relationship. At the end of the day I know its my head and only I can find the answer, but would love some help getting to it. What do you think?
     
    Iwannachangethis likes this.
  2. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    I think you're straight (or slightly bisexual). I think I may have insight into your situation. I'm currently a straight married man with a son, but I thought I was gay for more than a decade. Your past is much less gay than mine. Your history with porn and feelings as a child don't match the typical gay experience. I felt different and secretly wished to be a girl as a child. I noticed boys in elementary school. I remember thinking "if I were a girl I'd have a crush on him". I came out to my friends in my twenties and went to gay bars and hooked up with strangers. But I never fell in love with a man and I always wanted to be married and have a family. I believe bisexuality is far more complicated than being attracted to men and women equally. There are many aspects of sex, love, and attraction and your preferences can be different for each category. I'm visually attracted to men but I've never had romantic feelings for them. I think romantic relationships have three main aspects: love, friendship, and physical attraction. Many people are in relationships with only one or two of those. I always thought the experience of falling in love was just made up in movies. When I met my wife I was shocked when I felt butterflies. I think it's possible that the combination of friendship and sex in your first experiences tricked you into thinking that you were in love. More details about my story: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-story-married-ssa-gid.147453/
     
    39_dad&bi likes this.
  3. everydayitgetseasier

    everydayitgetseasier Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it. I read through your post, hope the kids okay :). Now that you bring it up that I should add that for a couple of confusing weeks as a kid where I thought there might have been a mistake and I was really a girl, I think I was in about 1st or 2nd grade, maybe 3rd but I am not sure (never told anyone until very recently). Looking back it really makes me worry about kids today and what I might have done with hormone blockers etc. if the culture and talk was how it is now. I had semi-long surfer-esc hair and I have a memory of comparing my penis to the medical drawings of the vagina they gave us for health class, but I was really little and didn't realize that the vagina was an internal organ because you couldn't really tell by the diagram haha. But it is weird because I wasn't really feminine, recently I had heard about research that suggests some ~90~95 percent of kids who have gender identity questioning grow out of it, but a large percentage of them end up being homosexual (don't think they count bisexual and gay differently in the study but I am not sure). But it wasn't like I thought I was a girl or was attracted to boys, I don't remember as a kid having crushes on boys and wanting to be a girl because of that. It also wasn't a wish and more a feeling of dread like "holy shit what if there was a huge mistake"(sounds a lot like more OCD/anxiety than anything). But still if I consider that study I think it would make it harder to believe that I am not gay at all. Right now I think at the very least I am bisexual to some extent, capable of feeling feelings for a man, but that could be a very low bar to set. I do get what you mean about the young 'love' feeling that could just be close friendship, especially because it was at an all boys camp I had been to for 7 years with him for 6 weeks a summer. So without any girls around the confused puberty energy could have more easily convinced me I was definitely gay because I had more intense feelings for him.

    The years around when I came out my then brother (who now identifies as non-binary) was very suicidal and begging to be allowed to die constantly with a bunch of suicide attempts, police involvements, committals etc. All that is to say that I was very preoccupied with the constant existential terror/dread of being confronted with that every day when I went home, hearing the screaming for hours, my parents semi-giving up at various points. So when I came out during that year I wasn't really in my best mind.

    When this lock down is all over I plan on trying to find a woman to have a relationship with and see how I feel, not just a 'test' hookup which I don't want to get back into doing. I do worry about how to talk about it with whoever it is and if she will be wary of me. The last thing I want is to be looked at like the 100 percent gay guys that marry a woman solely out of self-hatred or religion, but you give me a really good example of someone who thought himself to be gay but later realized he was attracted to women and had a family. What you say about different types of attraction is something that I have definitely been thinking about a lot lately, and I'll keep that in mind. Weird to think I might go to day 365 nofap hardmode/celibate before getting physical with someone again. Depending on what I do in the summer it could be that long I am not sure(start date august 10th), looking into options for internships and jobs before my senior year of college. (Anyone reading this looking for an unpaid Computer Science/Tisch Film major hmu haha).

    Reading your post also reminded me of my wet dreams I have been having (i've had 8 and its been like ~7 months), they have all been dreams with women (at least the ones where I remembered the dream), but one I had looked like women on a screen scrolling through different ones which is clearly a porn flashback, as like I said in my post most of the porn I watched was women.

    Anyway thanks again for reading through and giving the reply to share your story and everything, I had been looking for similar experiences on the forums for a while to mostly no avail, usually the only posts that come up are talking about trans porn and stuff like that.
     
  4. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    My son is 2 1/2 years old, healthy, big for his age (impossible to tell he was a preemie), and very smart.
    I fear that same judgment. I don't share my past with most people irl or I say I was bisexual. I also don't want my story twisted into an excuse to shame people into not being themselves.
     
  5. everydayitgetseasier

    everydayitgetseasier Fapstronaut

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    Very good to hear! I also wouldn't want my experience/this thread to become ammunition for "see being gay is a choice! and nofap fixed me!". I think its just revealing a big part of my sexuality that was dormant for a while is the best way to phrase it.
     
    Iwannachangethis and polysemic like this.

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