Escort challenge

I feel the pull to escorts more than ever before since going on no PMO, hard mode. Before I would give myself an out with MO, you know masturbate but with no pornography. I feel it helps keep the urges down. I know it's not great in my case cause I end up thinking about old sexual encounters with escorts, AMP, old porn scenes. So I know it's just feeding the old habit. However, on day 6 of no PMO and I feel the urge to stop by at an AMP, or look up an escort stronger than ever. And I am sliding into questionable territory going on escort sites with the images blocked. Even though I am married my wife has not been very sexual, little one is too demanding right now. Now I feel myself fantasizing about seeing an escort, and our encounter. Even though from past experience I know that she will not look as good as the picture, the sex will never live up to the hype I made up in my mind. The shame, quilt and deceit will crush me. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. The one good thing about no PMO is that it really lets me get some REAL insight into how bad my addiction really is. Thanks for listening. I feel better already.

 

Just like after I mastubate and cum while using porn, I get this massive feeling of guilt. At least with porn, I can stop and do something else.

When with an escort, I am still paying for her time. I am stuck in the hotel room with her. I feel like I cannot escape.

 

Not sure if this is considered a win or not but I thought I share about it here. Was on day 9 of a NoPMO streak the longest I have gone without both porn and masturbation of any kind. This meant for 8 days I was dealing with strong urges. Everything was triggering me, music lyrics, old memories of going to AMP, seeing escorts. In the end my addict mind didn't want to give in to porn or masturbating, so I went to an AMP. Stupid I know, but my addicted mind thought I found a loop hole. If I can't masturbate I'll just pay someone to take care of it for me. Anyway went in to the parlor, paid, got undressed and laid there. The whole time fighting my conscious and feeling a guilty about all this. Oddly I was so backed up that I orgasmed almost as soon as the woman rubbed my back. She never touched my genital's and I ended the massage right there. Was there a total of 10 minutes. Oddly I was relieved that I orgasmed and no one touch me down there, although embarrassing I was oddly proud that nothing else happened. walking out of there while embarrassed it certainly felt better than those times I walked in there and payed for the hour massage, full tease, and hand release. I know in those situations I am filled with unshakeable shame and it's a real low point. I guess I was just proud that I could pivot out of there. Although I have a long way to go I was proud to have made progress. Although I think I gave up my streak it was still a win in my mind. Currently back on day one hopefully next time I can make it to 10 days NoPMO.

 

I am feeling exactly like you... want to see an escort but I am trying to hold back as I don’t want to waste my streak even though I try not think about it

 

Your not alone, it’s been what 1.5 months now for me since my last reset. It’s tough cause sometimes I’m super horny but I keep thinking what happens after.
Like @BobbyBaccala1987 your parting with hard earned cash. I just have to keep reminding myself where I was at one point when I was so addicted. I’m still addicted, I don’t think it will ever go away but I have to remember to be aware of my triggers. The things that can make me want to reset.
If I get depressed, if I’m not going out to just get away from my home for a bit to get off the computer. If I had a bad day.I have to find those things to help when I feel those triggers.

 

Apologies if this is insensitive as Ive only posted in this thread when it was 2 or 3 pages long but for me, I hate the way my penis smells after seeing a hooker.

The hookers mouth smells like accumulation of cum.
Last time I actually went inside a hooker her vag stunk so bad I instantly lost my boner.
And then losing out on the money i spent. Thats one of the worst feelings in the world and that regretful feeling is right when you cum when it’s supposed to be the best part.

 

Yeah, this habit of ours which for some (me) grew into a severe addiction can leave us shattered, shameful, angry, full of blame. Self-blame and external blame. Best is to stop it. Easy said. With the experience you made it can give you a push to exit that vicious cycle of planning, chasing, booking, acting out, relaxing, shaming, remorsing, neglecting, forgetting, planning, chasing ... Let us stay strong and thrive.

 

But how can you get out of it if you are so highly addictive

 

this is the quest we are all on
it involves reading, learning, challenging, understanding your behaviours and then finding whatever method you can that helps you fight off the urges to act out.
It is not easy.
Recovery form addiction is not easy.
You have to work hard.
Good luck - you have our support at all times.
Keep us posted with your challenges and thoughts.

 

So what about if you think about escort in your head but you quickly tell your yourself it is not good.. reject... will this count as a relapse.. I am not looking for escort online but my mind keeps on tricking me to do it

 

If you think about an escort in your head but quickly tell yourself it isn't good and reject the thought and idea it isn't considered a relapse, it can be considered a small victory. You told your brain no, you reprimanded it for thinking about that and you took control of your brain. That is a good thing.

Your mind will continue tricking you, but if you keep denying it, keep saying no, keep being the boss it will get easier and easier to reject the idea of going to see an escort.

Don't let that escort demon inside you control you, because that's exactly what it is, a demon. Tell it to stfu and tell it that he's no longer in charge here, YOU are.

 

Long journey, started 2017. Ups and downs, back and forth ... but well on track

 

I feel so much better after you told me this .. i can kind of say I am trying my hardest to take back control... one. Other thing that does frustrate me is I felt all this year being addicted to escort browsing or watching porn is I have wasted a lot of time and energy when I could have done something more productive. Hopefully I can continue with this streak...

 

I'm glad I can help, we're all in this together. Keep it up, if you ever have severe urges and feel like you're going to relapse and see an escort, just come and log on here and talk about it instead.

 

For me, seeing an escort had three aspects that made it thrilling. 1. The thrill of the hunt. Going through the ads, doing the research on review sites from other mongers. This built up the anticipation. (and lessened the likelihood it was a sting). 2. The thrill of actually going there and seeing her. It is illegal, which was a rush. Also, there was something about meeting a complete stranger and undressing them. Kind of like opening a Christmas present. 3. The actual sex itself. This was actually the most disappointing aspect for me. The act if it is fun, but I had fantasized the act with this person so much by now, that it was usually a disappointment in reality. I got the point where I could not get an erection with my wife, as she could not compete with aspects 1 and 2. That just left #3, which was not enough to arouse me anymore. I realized that I needed to stop at this point. I missed the connection and intimacy with my wife. I was spending a lot of money. I was taking risks that if I got caught would destroy my marriage, job, friends, kids, etc. Doing a cost/benefit analysis (CBA) has helped me to stop. I have not been with an escort or to an AMP now for 18 days. I am feeling a lot of urges. Logging in here and reading other posts and learning distracts me from acting out. Good luck out there.

 

Like @Midships says, it’s ritualistic, but like he also says, the reality very rarely lives up to the fantasy. We build this stuff up in our heads to the point where we are bound to feel low and guilty after we’ve been.

Again, it just isn’t worth it.

 

Hope those who celebrate Easter were able to do so and Also that everyone was able to enjoy their day today. Other then that I hope your keeping strong.

 

Thank you @GA93JDeereboy for the wishes. So far things are going well here, spending some troublefree easter days hehe. You too, stay strong and thrive

 

Is it true that in some states you can be formally declared a sexual predator simply for being a John? By the way, I commend all the men here battling this addiction.