The Lord of the Rings Challenge

day 44

 

75 days – You face difficulties walking though the razor-sharp winding paths of Emyn Muil. A fallen brother named Gollum offers help and guidance. He doesn't seem reliable but he knows the way out of the maze, so you decide to follow him.

An appropriate point in my journey. While sick I decided to kill time by downloading a language exchange app--I'm learning Chinese--and wouldn't you know it, it's full of attractive Chinese women. It felt innocent enough--It's explicitly not a dating app and I'm not against talking to real people about what they made for dinner that day (about the extent of my Chinese skill)--but then I noticed the dopamine monster waking up, and paying more attention to what was happening on my phone than in my present reality, so I deleted the app. Aint worth it, Gollum!

 

Some days are like that. Hang in there!

 

Checking in on Day 7.

I'm glad a week has past, but I have never gotten past the two week mark. I will use that as motivation while also checking this site way more often than normal, among other things. Ready to fight the temptation.

 

TITLE - ORC
Day 1/500
Longest streak - 18
Last streak - 1
Total PMO - 275
Total hours remaining - 11976
Days remaining - 499
Promise- 1 Jan 2020, 1 Jan 2021,1 April 2021
Challenges completed - 1
1 DAYS - (18th Feb 2021)(26th Mar 2021)(1st Apr 2021)✓
3 DAYS -(31st Jan 2021)(21th Feb 2021)✓
7 DAYS -
14 DAYS -
21 DAYS -
30 DAYS -
45 DAYS -
60 DAYS -
90 DAYS -
365 DAYS -
500 DAYS -

For past few weeks I was off with binging I was able to go from 1 to 3 days on average but I took that for granted and tried to control it. I could have left it and be successful but I tried to control my Pmo to one and use to minimum. It was all ok there was no major depression or guilt that we get after a relapse. But one day my Pmo session did not go as planned and I end up doing a Pmo too early and the urge was not satisfied and I did it again but this time it broke me and I did a full blown Pmo for a full day long and I was not counting it could be more than 8 times. Like I said I don't give up on my addiction and I won't take my progress for granted I will not do a Pmo until the last moment.

 

Day 0 (again) - orc

The last 10 days I have relapsed every three days. Yesterday was due to a trigger from YouTube last night around 9pm. Now I realize that I need to not use my devices at all after 9pm except for my evening job on the nights I work. I can spend hours on YouTube at night, which sucks as I am not sleeping. I need to get past this every three day relapse because it is holding me back.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

260 days the stairs of Cirith Ungol
334 days no PMO, semen retention

 

Day 0. Today has been a bit overwhelming. Smoking a lot of weed, drinking alcohol, eating junk food. I did go for a long walk in my new shoes but a few things got to me while I was out. An old man asked for help but I was to wrapped up in an anxious daze that I just mumbled sorry and kept walking. I wish I had just help him. I also saw a girl I met a while back. I met her a couple of times and we’re going to have sex but I couldn’t and she got a bit offended, understandably. She told her male friend I had turned her down and they both made a big thing of it and that was the last time I saw her. Seeing her again today brought all this back. I have only ever had sex with one person, I can’t imagine being with anyone else ever again. I masturbated to porn. I’m so fed up of being me. I want my old life back. My wife and daughter(that I don’t even know). I can’t move on. I must move on. They don’t want to know me. Ugghhh! Depression! I guess tomorrow’s a new day. Be kind to yourself. ( should I put posts like this here or just my journal? )

 

That is alright brother and many or all of us done and do the things like you did so nobody gonna judge you. Sometimes yeah we are too busy but once you noticed and realized why you will be able to help next time asked, cos u remember . If you can start praying and meditating regularly you will know yourself beyond my and i to beat depression and your neediness. To receive love you must give love whenever you can and it will come back to you greatly multiplied and from the many sources you don't know yet. And yes its very important to be kind to yourself which should start from stopping harming yourself first, for it is said 'love your neighbour as you love yourself' and if you harm and hate yourself how can you love others? People in your life reflect to you the attitude you have for yourself, so be kind to yourself !

 

Day 2 going to fight it through.

 

Day 19,

Super tired today. Holding myself accountable, I did fish yesterday (5 mins tops with staying away from P). School has me feeling a bit sluggish. Still getting full nights of sleep but just drowsy. Keeping active tho and staying healthy!

Best to you all Fellowship!

 

Day 3
I still did well today! but I found that I did have urges kind of in the mid day. Something to keep in mind for me

 

Unable to check yesterday,
Checking in day 254,255

 

Wed. check in

I shouldn't even be on my computer right now! But I felt like I should check in.

I've been extremely busy today. Today is the day where I have a couple of appointments, including the class I teach, right in the middle of the day when I usually eat lunch and relax a bit. It kind of threw me off, even though I knew it was coming and should've planned better. As I result, I'm a little disoriented and foggy.

But good news: I'm done grading midterms!

Today I also took a cold shower, prayed, meditated, took several short walks, talked to my parents, and even found time to do some writing of my own this morning (okay, two sentences. Sue me).

What really helped was getting up early. I've been pretty consistent with that this week. I find I feel more energized and happy in the morning.

Still anxious about the future, but I'm working on it and trusting God. I've also resolved to stop revisiting painful things from the past, specifically my breakup at the attendant fallout. I am doing my best in the present moment, not mourning the past or perseverating about the future.

We're still in this fight. As Rocky said, "I didn't hear no bell."

 

Day 3 complete!

I've had better days for sure. I woke up this morning to go for a run but I still felt so exhausted I gave up and went back to sleep for a couple more hours. Then I ended up doing very poorly on a test where I needed to do well. Sigh...demons working me over from any angle they can get. My energy overall has been worryingly low the past few days. I attribute this to having more resets in a relatively short amount of time over the past two or three weeks. Neither my brain nor my body are made for porn. One foot in front of the other.

@RiseToGreatness I haven't said it as often as I should but I'm so grateful to you for running this challenge and I admire how diligent you are in checking in, responding to posts, upgrading us along the journey, and offering advice. Sometimes you can't do anything except look at life and say "You're doing everything you can to break me right now, but I won't let myself be broken." Acknowledge the struggles and difficulties, and rise above them!

@eagle rising You make a good point about not cluttering this thread! I'll respond more in a private message.

@bob200 That was funny! Thank you for sharing the video clip.

 

Day 3 complete (Attempt 4) - Orc

 

Congratulations on 4 days, man. I like your profile picture. It reminds me of some pictures I took of the rose garden at the public library in the town I live in a few summers back when times were simpler.

 

Good choice. I fell into exactly the same trap a year or so back. Definitely a huge drain of energy and certainly a slippery slope to pm. I hope you still find some way to pursue your desire to learn a new language! The Michel Thomas series, which is an audio lingual method, I found pretty fun and helpful to learning Chinese. There's a free app called language transfer that might have Chinese on it too and it uses a similar method!

 

day 4

 

Checking in on Day 116.