My brain is telling me that I’ve failed life, and that I’m done.

First off, the fact that you acknowledge this is a problem and that you want to change it is huge. That's the first step towards change, and that's something you should hold onto. Something that's helped me is to treat myself like one of my closest friends. If a friend of yours was spewing all the negativity about themselves, you would call them out on it and encourage them. At least, I hope so lol. So treat yourself in the same manner. Whenever these negative thoughts come around, give yourself encouragement. Initial, instinctive thoughts are mostly out of your control. What you can control though are your next thought and your next action. So cool, a depressive thought hit your brain. Now what? Are you gonna dwell on it? Or are you going to encourage yourself and do something positive, despite the negativity?

 

I'll tell you what happens after 7-14 days. You'll realize the thoughts you had were created by PMO.

You have half the solution. Do you know why? You realized your inner life is the one you should focus on. Kudos to forgoing other goals. If you become more peaceful inside, pursuing the other goals will be easy.

 

I suggest you read the book How ro Stop Worrying and Start Living.

 

And relax whenever you get the chance. Put electronics off and lay down. Let the moving pictures in your head move. Watch them without critique or praise.

 

This is a quote from @Roady

 

@RobinCoenBrosFan you've made it 31 years, and are tired of the self-pity. And then you ask the real question, which is: Is there any reason for hope to live on this planet? Maybe you do have clinical depression (you may want to schedule a chat with a therapist, am not kidding), but assuming you are honestly asking the question...

A PMO habit lives in isolation, and thrives on a cycle of 1) pre-occupation, 2) ritualization, 3) sexual compulsivity and 4) despair (note this is from Patrick Carnes' Out of the Shadows that I finished recently, applicable to a wide range of sexual disorders). Here on NoFap there are many who are tired of this cycle, who have noticed they have a problem with addiction to porn, it took me 40+ years to acknowledge finally that I have a problem with porn and need to leave it behind. Addictions feed on alone-ness, where my emotions drive the isolation and need to masturbate to pixels.

Community, and talking about your emotional needs, is the answer. Like it or not, you have associated feelings (and applicable to some and not to everybody) of loneliness, sadness, boredom, sometimes excitement, sometimes celebration, frustration with the rush of endless porn variety and the rush of masturbation and orgasm. I am developing new habits; I am talking openly with my spouse of many years, I am accountable twice a day to an accountability partner, I have porn blockers on my phone and computer, I no longer bring my phone to bed with me, I journal daily, I exercise at least twice per week, I have a clear consequence for a slip (back to PMO) that will last 30 days, I have a clear reward for going for an entire month PMO free.

And I am learning how to handle my feelings, after 40+ years of numbing my consciousness with PMO, and learning to express them with Real Life People around me. And meeting new people on this site (I found my AP here) to help me - and I can help others in return.

Hang in there. There's a lot to live for.

 

yeah, porn and cam cam stuff ruined me too working thatbuild it back up

 

My brain tells me different things daily

To be honest I haven't thought about porn for about 4 days .... Only stress.... Porn isn't even on my radar when I'm like that

 

Splendid! I'd rather deal with stress.

 

I would advise taking on multiple tasks over a period of weeks to months

At the moment Im doing diy. Carpentry ,horticulture , mechanics , and trying to lose weight also had a tooth abscess and called to a and e over the weekend ..... Literally far too busy to even think about porn

 

Wow this is such a good post, I know it sucks and yet it's a great place to be, part of how I can show it is it's great that you see that it is your mind talking to you it is an inner critic not you and therefore all the bad stuff it has said is not true or at most is true stuff said dishonestly. It's not you and it's not true therefore even though this feels like a terrible time in life it's actually a really good one. Because you're seeing through it, like waking up. I'm imagining an analogy if you've ever seen a zombie movie imagine if someone gets bit, starts looking diseased and biting people and shuffling around and all that and then near the end of the movie that person realizes (breaking the fourth wall) it's just a movie there's no such thing as zombification and starts to return to normalcy because of that thought. Gets tempted to eat brains but remembers wait there's no such thing as zombification... . A silly analogy but maybe helpful.
I'll try to go point by point based largely on that incredibly useful insight you had starting with the title of the thread "my mind is telling me..."
1. "completely alone, ... will be even more alone when my dad dies, have very few (if any) close friends in this state". Notice how what the mind says is not consistent within itself it has to keep changing the story. "You're completely alone. Well there's my dad. But he's going to die. Well maybe my friends will comfort me. You don't have any friends. But there's Jimmy and Andrew and... They're not really your friends, not close friends and not with what you did..." Blah blah it has to change it's story and the wild thing is that we believe it in the first place. We believe things regardless of evidence or logic at least I know I do. And thankfully that's ok if we have a solution when they come up. But you already know that, it's so great that you see "know none of it’s true but that’s what I keep hearing inside of me."
2. "live on a prayer that there is a tiny beacon of hope that there is a reason for me to exist on this planet" that's the mind talking again with the self pity, it's ok that that comes up just know that you don't have to believe it's like that. Like I said above, the trick is knowing it's not true that leaves us open to see that there far more than a tiny beacon of hope for is to exist on this planet. The main reason we believe that silly little story is because it is repeated so often, sometimes loudly sometimes quietly and in so many variations in our heads. If it were only said once we'd laugh and skip along our merry way .
3. "How do I get the... thoughts to just stop" having a solution when they come up makes the question of getting them to stop moot. It's actually the easier softer way. What I resist persists, any number of stories point at that truth. So instead of thinking "I shouldn't have these thoughts so often" or "still after all these years" or other Meta thoughts I can just apply the same simple solution as quick as I can and then that's a lot like them not being there.
4. "finding a woman, screw making FRIENDS even. And maybe even screw finding a career". It's good that you're giving up selfish pursuits and going for the real deal in life.

 

wake up! it's not about your inner critic, it's about your impulses. You should be a sentient being, make reason dominate, if you don't, it's because you don't want.