This doesn't help me

Sounds like PMO is NOT not your only issue. You say never in your whole life, never in your childhood have had anything good from. No friends, etc. You sound bitter.. Well there you go. How do you fix that? Well besides no PMO, start being kind to yourself. Stop being mean to yourself. Maybe you were less bitter and more hopeful at the beginning but you need to heal your wounds. Maybe you think you didn't have friends or maybe things didn't workout for you because you weren't cool or good enough or maybe because no one appreciated you. Well start with genuinely appreciating yourself and know that your enough regardless of anything and then find yourself some good friends that do appreciate you. I've been looking for "good" friends for more than two years and it is sad that when I think I find one they let me down. But oh well, I know I'm not less than because of them. But if you start working on yourself alone (hidden wounds) things will slowly start changing for the better.

And God does play a role in this but I'd recommend we read the Bible to get to know him before we start judging him.

 

Wow you feel really angry, that's understandable. you had a long list of things you wanted to be different and a belief that giving up pmss would get you all that stuff. "other guys gave up p+ and got a girlfriend, I didn't so that's one of many ways this is all shit.". What if the people who told you this site can get you a girlfriend were full of shit, not the same as giving up pm+ is shit...!
It's normal for an addict to feel more anger and despair and many other things in long term sobriety. I've certainly felt those and also positive feelings, I think the latter is due to a combination of sobriety and recovery as in not just "I don't do that anymore" but having practices for when anger and despair come up, like a gym for the mind kind of.

 

I empathise with how you feel. It sounds like you need to make an appointment with your doctor. He can refer you to a psychiatrist. He will take down your history of these emotions and thoughts you are having. From that he can assess what mental illness you have. It is important to find this out, because different mental illness require different approaches.

 

You seemed to have focused on a few posts about people's positive changes in a short span of time. That isn't you, and it's damn unfortunate, for sure. You have to accept that you didn't see positive changes in a week's time. You have to accept that it may take longer. I had been depressed for about two years. I could not enjoy anything for that time. There are plenty of other people on here with similar stories. How long it takes to see positive changes is highly varied among P addicts. I know of many who still struggle and it's been at least a year. I've seen many on the struggle for a duration. Unfortunately, it might take a little bit more time for you.

You have to change your mindset willfully, there is no other way. You have train yourself like an animal. Every time those "negative" feelings come about you have to change it. This is an all day thing. Not just for a couple of hours. You have to wear yourself thin, maybe by the end of the day you can have a good night's rest, and the next day will come a little easier.

 

- I spent all my time playing games from age 19 where I dropped out of school to age 24 roughly. That's all I did, because I had a psychosis from smoking too much weed at 19. I got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and aspergers syndrome. I've come to believe that at least the aspergers, possibly also the schizophrenia are misdiagnosed, because my understanding of my own emotions was so extremely bad that I actually wanted to have those diagnoses. In any case, I was suffering, I was afraid to see people, I wouldn't answer the phone even if it was my own mom who called because I was so deep down in my own mind and afraid to get out. I've spent countless hours searching myself to get out and have a real life.
- I lost my virginity at 26 after 3 years of attempting nofap. I've been terrified of women for all my life and pretty fucking oblivious to how things should be done with them. On my first long nofap streak, there was this girl in my class I had a crush on (I was 25 at the time), and I just asked her to be my girlfriend. Apparently, that is NOT how you do it I've spent YEARS building social knowledge and skills.

Nofap didn't magically make me understand myself, stop my bad habits, or attract women. I have worked hard for what I've achieved. NoFap was only leverage to get there, not the solution. There's no magic here.

I truly know what it means to be underdeveloped. I really believe I get you. And you can get out of it.

 

You have been in therapy since you were 11?

What are your diagnoses mate?

 

For how long have you been addicted to porn and masturbation?

 

i started when i was 12 also, i'm now 29. Started nofap in 2016. looks like the symptoms you have are from pmo.

 

I am truly sorry to hear this. I am wondering if this caused mental problems beyond grief. When a care provider dies, it can make us feel rejected and abandoned. On the surface, that may not seem logical. But we are not talking about the surface here, are we? Emotional invalidation via bullying would exacerbate this.

This suggests that you were prescribed tranquilisers. These can have these side effects. But it doesn't sound like anything was offered to help with your depression. Antidepressants would not have these side effects. Not every pill will work for everyone, but it is a path you could go down with psychiatric advice.

What have been the positives, if any, from all these years of therapy?

 

Maybe you shouldn't do it if you really hate it or maybe take shorter walks 10-20min. I don't know. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling.

 

Cipralex I can understand, because it is an SSRI antidepressant. However, Rispiridone is a very, very heavy drug to use for someone with anxiety. Basically, it is an antipsychotic used primarily to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

You have many, many issues that are very distressing. I hope you can find the support you need to overcome them.

 

channeling those feelings towards any kind of art is really something that would help you know yourself and give you a pathway in life.
take care.