How do I heal?

Im sorry to hear what you've gone trough. You don't deserve it.
Your husband sounds very addicted and it's probably going to be long recovery for him. It's good that you have supported him make him realize his addiction and it's effect.
I hope couples counselling helps both of you. You also have a young child that deserves example of loving partnership to help him create bonds in the future. It sounds like both of you have been taking right steps now with the counselling, nofap and communicating with each other.

 

Sounds a lot like my husband. We would be in stores and he would be checking out women every chance he got. One time he ran the cart into me trying to second glance some woman down an isle we passed, and even him running the cart into me didn't stop him from staring. What was worse was when I confronted him on the spot about it, he lied and said it didn't happen. He really thought he was being discrete about it. So everytime it would happen I would bring it to his attention. He never stopped doing it, however.

Here is what I've learned about that aspect of the addiction. There is unconscious actions and conscious actions that happen when they encounter women in public. Because their brains become wired to porn, their brains think they are having sex with all those women they O to on the screen. Consciously they are aware they're not actually having sex with the women, but the brain wires it differently, and wires it as though they are. This makes them inclined to "seek out" mates. Consciously they love us and don't want to actually sleep with these other women, but, on the unconscious level their brains are wired to motivate them to do just that. This is why it gets to a point that just looking at the women provides the dopamine dump without actually engaging in the physical act of sexual contact. This is later reinforced when they MO to porn.

Dopamine is the motivating chemical. It is part of the natural reward system to produce a rewarding chemical to motivate us towards something pleasurable. Porn causes structural changes in the brain that basically screw up the reward system. They check out women because at some point in the addiction, these real life women, according to the structural changes in the reward system, are no different than the pixels on the screen. Real life becomes porn.
If you were to point out his actions to him as far as checking out other women, on some basic level, he wouldn't even be aware he was doing it until you brought him to reality by pointing it out in the moments he does it. That is how screwed up the brain becomes after years of watching pornography.

I did an experiment with my husband when he first started the recovery process. We were at the lake and there were 3 women in bikinis that were floating along in one of those big inner tube things. I told him to look at them, then bring his focus to himself, then look away. He looked at them, and kept looking at them, and stared at them so hard that it made them so uncomfortable that he was staring that they tried to lay down in the tube so he couldn't see them anymore. I finally punched him in the arm to get him to snap back to reality and he swore he didn't look at them for very long. I showed him the timer; he was staring at them for nearly a full minute. What was worse was he didn't even realize they were trying to hide from him until I pointed that out to him. Why didn't he understand that? I wondered. Because his brain was so wired to porn that he literally did not understand basic body language and their moving around only prepped his mind for a possible porn scene. Of course we never did an experiment like that again. It took me years later to fully understand why he reacted the way he did.

Do they want to get high? Yes, of course. Otherwise they wouldn't watch porn regularly. But most men have no idea of how their behavior is, much less understand why they're doing what they're doing. They will tell you that porn and you are separate and that is true to a conscious extent. They can't compartmentalize it in the brain the way they think they can because the brain works together as one unit. Nothing is separate. On a conscious level, you and porn are separate but on an unconscious level, everything is porn. That is why when you have sex with him, there's no connection and it is to just "get off".

The opposite of addiction isn't recovery. It is connection. The connection isn't there because it wasn't learned in childhood (more than likely, or young adult years something happened). This is not anything that you've done or not done in the marriage, which is something that needs to be fully understood for your healing. None of this is your fault. None of it has to do with how you look or don't look, what you do or don't do, or anything along those lines. You did your part to connect to him, he was just incapable of returning the favor because of how his brain was wired.

Low dopamine levels is often the cause of addictions. Low dopamine means little activity in the prefrontal cortex. With little activity in the prefrontal cortex, the more primitive brain is more powerful than the thinking brain. Increasing the activity in the PFC can be done in several ways, one of them being meditation. Others include improvement of metacognitive processes and cognitive processes. If he has a chance to do therapy to address his underlying issues on what led up to the addiction, it would help him overcome it as well. Does he have an accountability partner yet? That would also be helpful.

You mentioned couples counseling, but what about trauma counseling for yourself? It has been many years that you've lived in the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. This takes a toll on the physical body as well. Your healing needs to be a priority as well so I hope you're considering that too.

 

Great post, the only thing I’d argue though, is they do still know what they are doing or they would not make so much effort to hide their actions. I have never experienced my husband ogling or noticing other women in real life. That’s just not a problem for him, however, a billboard or tv will catch his attention. Many times he would try to hide that second look, he knew damn well what was going on. He may have felt like he couldn’t stop himself. However, he knew. He might try and gaslight me that “ that’s not what happened “ but we both knew. He just couldn’t admit it.

 

Oh I didn't say they didn't know what they were doing. I said they didn't understand why they were doing it, their behavior, and don't understand the extent of what they're doing, if that makes sense. They consciously look at other women, billboards, or whatever. However, that is when unconscious processing takes over and they don't realize they are staring in the way they're staring, or that they think they're being more discrete than they actually are is what I meant. My husband can spot skin from a distance and will automatically look in that direction. What he isn't aware of is that I can see him looking in that direction, and the other woman may also be aware of his staring. Those are things they're not aware of. I hope that clears up what I meant to say

 

This can be a life long addiction. Ive seen some men posting on here in the success stories that have claimed to have beaten it though. Ive also read that the recovery rate is small, so that is where I'm hoping to focus my research on.

If your husband is like the average, he was exposed around 10 or 11 years old and watched through puberty. This is why it becomes so hard to beat is because this is taking place during the second pruning process of the brain. This is when the brain strengthens what is "needed" and discards things deemed not important. Thank goodness for Neuroplasticity.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much trauma in your life. You didn't deserve any of that and it sucks that you had to experience it.

 

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I know if my wife read this she would be able to relate.

I'm also glad he's making different choices this time. While nofap is fine and all, I would suggest he needs his own specialized therapist, some good books to read, saa meetings, etc. Obviously not everything is right for everyone, but for me using Fortify and its journaling/tracking system was good for me.

 

You really should not be “ getting him” into anything. For long term recovery, he has to want it, work it, and do it himself. There are multiple reasons for this. You need to focus on your healing. Finding a counselor for you. Healing yourself. If he really wants recovery, he will step up and find a counselor, he will reach out and join a group, he will do the work needed. If he doesn’t step up, this kinda tells you if he thinks it’s important or not. Actions. Not words. What is he doing to get into recovery? He has to want it for himself. Bloom for women is a great resource for you. Btr.org might b something you could try. It wasn’t for me but many others love it. Themodernmrandmrs has some good resources. Take care of you. Watch him and see what he does.

 

Lol, and I don’t mean make him do it either, because you’re right, you can’t make him do anything. What I mean is exactly what you are doing, is not what you should be doing. It’s what we, as partners usually do. We all do it! Offer suggestions, hint at things that will help, show him what we have learned. It’s hard to stop, to sit back and watch him to see what he does. This is part of his recovery. Finding the help he needs on his own. Stepping back, actually helps both of you. Someone who wants to get into recovery, who wants help, doesn’t need us to find a therapist or a group. They will do it on their own. Act as if he is single. If he were single and wanted to get into recovery what would he do? Would he only watch a podcast? Would he join a group? How badly does he want to get into recovery?

 

Damn this is a very dense thread, yah hate to hear it. All of this just reinforces hatred for porn in fellas like myself. Y'all tough as hell, be proud of that at least. Good luck lassies

 

So you started been paranoid from the very beginning. You know he did something that wans't of your liking but you stick to him anyway.

If he is into porn is his choice to leave it behind if he feels that is something that is damaging his life. If he is not the one with the idea to change then is probably that he is not going to change.

You have no rigth to tell him what to do. You only can tell him what is not permited in a realtionship with you. If he is not into that then you cannot have a relationship together.

It is unreasinable to demand another person to chance for us. I must be the other person to change. You can only set healthy boundries.

He wasn't into the idea of leaving for behind so he convinced you that is was ok to do it. Instead of standing your ground, you cave under it becase I guess you didn't wanted to loose him. You negotieted poorly.

He showed you the way he is. He failed to quit porn over and over. Why did you stick to a person like this? whay didn't you accepted the fact that he wasn't the man that you were looking for? For some reason you decided to stick with a man that over and over turn you down.

Again.. this guy turn you into a miserable person. Why are you still letting him bring you down this way? there are guys out there that have their shit together... why keep waisting time trying to fix a guy that have this can of shot going on even before knowing you?

So you are basically roomates. Do you want to speand the rest of your life in a sexless relationship without feeling nothing for your man? Do you want your child to learn that a sexless relationship without love is what is normal?

This is how it supose to be, this is how it support to feel. Good behaviour is rewarded with good behavior. Bad behavior is not acceptable, once a person have bad behaviour with you you need to set healthy boundries with them, if they keep behaving poorly you need to show them the door. Stand your ground, always, don't let people walk all over you.

He doesn't. After 10 years of the same behaviour he showed you over and over that he is this way and you are totally turned off by him.

Why are you still with this guy? because you are married? because you have a child with him? he don't deserve you anymore, don't waste more time with a guy that values more porn than you.

You gave 10 years to a guy that constantly failed on you in this matter. How more many years are you going to waste on him? there are plenty of guys out there that have their shit together... life is short to waste it with the wrong people.

Because you know that he is going to fail eventually. Is like been in a relationship with a cheater. If he cheated on you many time he is probably going to cheat on you again.
This guy knows that if he fail on you again with porn you are not going to do nothing about it, you are ust going to protest.. rant on NoFap but do nothing about it.
Action must have a concecuence, his actions have no concecues at all. Stop that.. start to set boundries in your life and get ride of people that bring you down.

 

Read this.. over and over.

 

My husband had three in a row that flat out told him that watching porn was normal. The third one asked told him that maybe I was too uptight about it and he should bring porn into the bedroom with us to loosen me up and spice up the marriage. The third therapist I actually questioned prior to my husband seeing him and asked him flat out if he believed porn addiction was a real thing. He said yes. So either he lied to me, or, he believes it is real but enables people to continue it.

His 4th therapist didn't see porn addiction as a thing either but was willing to still try and work with my husband about it. It ended up being sessions where my husband taught him about stuff so my husbands issues were never addressed. He eventually quit going because the therapist almost fell asleep during his last visit, so he didn't feel as though it was conducive to his healing to continue.

We don't have therapists in our state that specialize in sex addiction, which is unfortunate. I'm glad to see that you know exactly what to look for because it is so important and some SO's go into this blindly and it ends up coming back on them.

My husbands 1st therapist gave him every justification in the book to watch porn, and my husband jumped on that opportunity. Then the therapist advised him to keep it from me. This was after me talking to this therapist for hours over how the addiction impacted my husband, me, our kids, and our marriage. I asked if he could help my husband, and he said he could. I didn't realize his "help" was pushing my husband back towards it. This is also why I feel it is important to also stay involved to an extent in the therapy until the PA is fully committed to quitting on their own and willing to "dump" therapists who do not facilitate quitting and healing. I know now that if my husband did pick therapy back up, he wouldn't stay with one that encouraged porn.