I lost my life and cant get it back

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Brokenwings27, Mar 31, 2021.

  1. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I don't have personal experience with trauma, but I suffered from depression and overcomed it. I similarly felt that all the good things in my life are over and there is only misery ahead.

    Those feelings can be overcomed completely but they need care. I'll advice seeing a psychologist and attending confession (you don't have to go into detail with this). It might sound unrelated but physical activity is a good method of coping with feeling bad. Take care of your body and spirit, you can take back your life.
     
    Roady likes this.
  2. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys. You along with others helped me more than i could imagine. I didnt think i could do it or make it out
     
  3. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I'm glad I was able to be of help. Just remember, the road will be difficult and you need to stay vigilant. Always remember the advice given you to and you will be able to make it out alright.
     
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  4. Lovelove

    Lovelove Fapstronaut

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    Do you belive in God Dear?

    -I belive God powerful than everyone.
    -He can do anything, anything mean anything.
    -I belive its God that can take us from darkness to light.
    -Its God that protect my evil deeds from other people that make me shame in front of them, he protect my dignity.
    - i belive he control every bit of atmos in this universe.

    Human are nothing they cant do anything alone without God.
     
  5. Different Built

    Different Built Fapstronaut

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    Beautifully said
     
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  6. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    Amen. GOD bless
     
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  7. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    I thought i was okay for a few days then everything came crashing back down on me. I really need to talk to someone who has experience with this and made it out.

    It was just one time, i didnt know what i was doing would cost me this much. Its so painful and agonizing i just want a solution.

    I want a second chance more than anything. I hate myself so much over this. I just want to live happy. I dont ask for much at this point. Thats all i ever wanted. I feel so unlucky.

    Maybe the lens im seeing this through is flawed and set for failure. There has to be another way. There has to be a way out. I want to break free. Im down on my luck right now. Maybe its just a rough season.

    This is the greatest challenge and internal battle ive ever had to face. Nothing about it seems redeemable though. Before i was brave and motivated to face my challenges, this seems so grizzly and grimy i dont even want to touch it. It seems unsurmountable.

    I know im just a stupid young person experimenting and did something stupid. I just wish i could brush it off that way.

    I didnt mean to cause this much harm to myself
     
  8. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    Im so damn mad now a days. I have no life outside of this. This has made me a miserable person. I hear people say do hobbies etc i cant fully enjoy anything with this in the back of my mind. I wish i could just have a fulfilling life. Feels like therell always be a piece missing and an empty void cause of this. What the hell.

    Realizing how great things could be as they exist right infront of me is like a sick joke being played out on me. Im such an idiot. This was a no brainer. No way i shouldve done this, but my empty skull completely ravaged by PMO knew no better. Now that im coming to my senses my demons are just here to laugh at me like ha theres nothing you can do about it.

    Feels like i sold my soul away for nothing. I got nothing out of this. Im amazed at the level of stupidity it took for me to get here. I realize that was influenced by PMO and how strong it actually messes with your brain. Now im left to sweep us the mess and pick up the pieces and live a mediocre life because of this nonsense.

    The part that makes me so mad is the acting out part. I would be mad for a moment otherwise but feel releived that i can walk away with just a few scratches. Im just now realizing all this after being this knee deep? Makes me mad at the world wishing i had it better


    Knowing what i traded away for this nothingness called PMO and fetish escalation is ridiculiously depressing.

    Its like being in a gold mine and trading it for a pack of cigarettes or a plate of food cause you had a silly craving for them at the time. Most stupid foolish thing someone can ever do. Let the regret of that actual scenario sink in. The crazy part is it feels worse than that. Id RATHER be in that scenario no exagerration in a heart beat.

    I cant believe I lacked that much self control.
    The sad part is when im at my best i know better.

    Its like i ran outside with a target on my back and yelled "SUFFERING COME ABUSE ME" and just let it all happen while i got my little dopamine treat in exchange. Purely pathetic

    Realizing you were a slave sucks. Feels like prostitution. This is horrible
     
  9. In a smaller way this occurs to all using PMO
     
  10. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah but its so easy to dust it off once you realize what a waste PMO was. Basically all you lost is time and hold some moderate regret.

    Actually doing something as a result of this mess hits me in a different way. Its a tragedy and its so lame.
     
  11. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    I just want to clear my mind but this keeps nagging me. I feel so freaking unlucky. Its like i was so close to escaping. This is such garbage.

    The frustration behind this is killing me. Ive lost myself completely. Souls barely intact anymore. That spark for life is completely doused. You know how painful of a feeling that is?

    These inner thoughts and feelings are so dark and consuming i wish it could be lighter than this. I dont mind paying and suffering some for my actions but this is something else for real. Like i cant move on from it and im forced to be stuck
     
  12. Srmeddy412

    Srmeddy412 Fapstronaut

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    Bro one thing i can guarantee you is that you will definitely recover from this no matter what, it will take some time. kids/teens who get sexually abused for years recover, girls who get raped by 10 guys eventually recover, I've known someone who was sexually molested by his friends and you can't even imagine his pain, you're here talking on this forum, all he did was just screamed in pain for a month, even i got tears seeing him in that condition, right now he is fully recovered and doing good in life, so you will recover for sure, i know youre feeling guilt and dirty for what you did but you'll get better, almost as good as before. please give it time and just pray to GOD. dont let satan win, he has already did enough damage
     
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  13. Factpet

    Factpet Fapstronaut

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    Why don't you stop playing the victim role and the woe is me mentality? Everyone in life is a fucking victim of something. Go find your purpose and passion man, you won't find it crying over yourself over and over again. Turn your pain and your trauma into your gift. Like Jordan Peterson said, you should strive for meaning in your life, not for happiness.

    In the end it's all just words here, the fucking painful truth is no one is able to help you out, but yourself. Go lock yourself in a room without any technology and go fight your mind. It's going to be the hardest thing you will have ever to do.

    The way I read your posts is that you like to being a victim and are okay with self pity.. Discipline your thoughts, set goals, do something useful with your life. There are no problems in life, just puzzles.. If you have done something terrible, well fix it. And if you can't fix it, you fix it by being the best version of yourself for the people you did hurt including yourself. You are still breathing so your story isn't over yet. Life is suffering, we all know that. But what you are doing now is to make it even worse than it already is...
     
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  14. Kukuuu

    Kukuuu New Fapstronaut

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    Hi!
    I m having quite the same issues.
    Besides that i am moderately horny 24/7 (which is very difficult to control and bear) and whenever i go out of home i get super super horny instantly when i m around women (no matter age or looks) . I try so hard not to look at them (even not a slight glance because then u know the blood starts rush to the NO NO ZONE and then rocket launches ) So i quickly come back to home asap after whatever reason i had gone out.

    I m so depressed that how can i ever get married ( i am indian, here arranged marriages are done and you barely know the girl before marrying her and one cannot even think about talking to her about her libido because then you will be labelled pervert and no girl will marry you)
    So after marriage intimacy takes time. Like gradually in 3-4 months they will start intimacy n ol.

    But
    if i am horny 24/7 how will i be able to around her and be a normal guy
    Because controlling horniness 24/7 is like torturing yourself to death. What will i do when i get a boner out of nowhere in our initial phase ( where we are just getting to know each other)
    She will think i am a sex addict

    And say i pass the intial stage (god knows how)
    We start getting intimate.... (dream come true) we have sex..
    But what about after that, my body will want sex after 1or 2 days again i will again get horny.. And i can't expect her to be ready for sex again ( who knows what her libido is and i am 99.9% sure no indian women will have such high sex drive as of me) for mostly indian women sex once in 20days is ok.

    What will i do i m so depressed
    On one hand i want to be with a woman but at the same time because of my problem i dont want to be, because then i will be super horny and controlling it will only torture me.
    Atleast if i am not around women i somehow control it (less torture)
    But when i am around them it gets out of control...

    But i so desperately want to be loved and love back my partner. I so badly want to be with someone whom i can hug cuddle share my life with..
    I am basically dying for a woman..
    But pmo had ruined me.

    It has been 42 days of pmo.

    Help me
     
  15. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    I understand how you see it this way but the honest truth is I dont do this over any other of my past mistakes.

    I usually own up to it accept my losses and im on my way. Its easy. Im usually able to apply what youre saying very easily.

    This thing is just putting me in a bad state of mind. Yes i know the victim mentality is killer but thats what the mind restorts to when extreme levels of mental pain occur.

    I know in the end i have to live my life, im not asking anyone to do that for me, i just need a vantage point to see this thing in a positive light. I just want someone to help explain the circumstances in a way thats not doomy and gloomy so i can see for myself that ill be alright.

    Its not all 100% victim mentality i also mix in blaming and hating myself a lot.

    Trying to put a stop to it and at least lower it down because i know its not good.

    Thanks
     
  16. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    This is some food for thought. Nothing has caused me to panic or act irrational like this before. I admit it somewhat irrational but it doesnt change the intensity of the feelings. I just panic mentally and break down.
    Never dealt with this before and i think my mind is playing games on me telling me exaggerated lies and i believe them, thats what makes it hard to deal with.

    Trying to get a hold of myself.
     
  17. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    I think one thing to recognize is horniness doesnt equal you HAVE to release. You can just let it sit there till it passes. You dont have to get rid of the feelings of being horny, but you also dont have to act on it.

    Please if you find a hobby to do and get into it youll havs a lot of energy due to the pent up energy. Just dont sit around all day like you said. Try sports, crafts, games even watching youtube. Direct your focus on something interesting though. Dont dilly dally searching for something sexual. Try to take your attention off that
     
    The Pennsylvanian likes this.
  18. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    Idk at this point sometimes this level of freaking out seems justified. Im shockex at what i did.

    This crap feels uncontrollable.
     
  19. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    You're just having a low day. Find something to do to take your mind off it as much as possible and it will pass.
     
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  20. Brokenwings27

    Brokenwings27 Fapstronaut

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    It is what it is i dont think ill ever be cool with this situation.

    This is messed up.

    Im not even sure if theres any solution at this point. Maybe im just one of the unlucky screw ups.

    Used to be very strong willed, now i cant find strength in anything. I feel internally mocked and humilated. Feeling unconfident in anything i have to stand for.
     

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