Out of my damn mind need help badly

I dont think i have OCD. I usually have a laid back very calm nature. Very happy and content as well. The only thing that has made me compulsive is PMO and what just happened. Its outside of my nature. PMO definitely changed my personality and ive never even acted remotely close to this before over something thats occured in my life. It feels so bleak and scary.

This recent thing that happened just really disrupted my mind in a way thats never happened before and i dont really like it. It makes me super uncomfortable. Its like i crossed extreme personal boundaries. Made me freak all the way out. In a sense it was like i got "experimented" on even though i was experimenting on myself. I think theres more to it than meets the eye. I dont know. I just want a real solution and get freaked out thinking ill never find one when some of these thoughts hit me.

 

Also the thing that was making me so mad is this depression and mental problems caused from this are rooted in an act i cant change. Thats what makes me so mad. So usual my first reaction would be ok do nofap take some supplements like ashwaghanda or something and naturally my brain will boost. But its not simple as that. Its not just chemical reactions its rooted in thoughts. Its a weird tangled web now and thats why im so frustrated. Also i heard CBT is good for this specific thing but it all boils down to this one thing for me that its rooted in an actual event not just a thought. CBT is good probably for controlling and changing thoughts that just arise.

 

Also the thing that drives me crazy is the level of intensity, and also realizing that i should of thought of that before i acted. Its those 2 things that bother me.

Doing something in real life takes it up a bunch of notches. For example you watch some porn and you start looking ar extreme stuff you know that shock and rush you get its enough to satisfy your addiction but not break you so it keeps you at bay. It gives you the illusion that the content is safe since it doesnt immediatly break you but shocks you at the same time. Thats the deception. So when you take it to real life you bring that same mentality but boom the intensity is cranked up a few notches, so is the shock and it actually breaks you this time and youre felt like your left with nothing to do to fix it. It feels like you got permanently screwed.

Think of roller coaster rides for example the rush and shock that comes from it but it doesnt feel disastrous. Take that same real life shock and apply fear like a haunted house. The thing about these examples is when the night is over the night is over. Its just a fantasy and a fleeting moment. But take that fear and rush from a haunted house and remove the fantasy and apply it to reality. Take a scary movie and just remove the fantasy apart as if whats happening in the movie is forreal. Thats the cocktail of feelings i went through. That actual real effect is the most horrific thing you can imagine

 

I said i dont think i have OCD thats the honest truth. I dont think the problem is i have OCD because i told you id be having this problem beforehand. This problem only came after this specific event happened. Im not dismissing you i said id look into it anyways.

The problem is what actually happened. Thats whats causing this pain. Never had this pain prior

Also another reason i dont suspect i have is i know people who do tend to be really organized and want everything to look in a perfect line or whatever or else it bothers them and for me thats not the case like i said in my nature im laid back, this event has me outside of my nature. So thats what i think is the problem

 

Welcome to the club if its managable then get out. im trying to as soon as possible

 

"Also the thing that was making me so mad is this depression and mental problems caused from this are rooted in an act i cant change. Thats what makes me so mad. So usual my first reaction would be ok do nofap take some supplements like ashwaghanda or something and naturally my brain will boost. But its not simple as that. Its not just chemical reactions its rooted in thoughts. Its a weird tangled web now and thats why im so frustrated. Also i heard CBT is good for this specific thing but it all boils down to this one thing for me that its rooted in an actual event not just a thought. CBT is good probably for controlling and changing thoughts that just arise."

This basically highlights my discouragement.

Also what happened feels so intense thay it kills all rationability. As if rational thinking is not strong enough to combat the intensity of what happened.


Usually im able to apply rational thought to problems and see solutions. Whats actually kind of sad is im starting to realize all the step by step analysis and conclusions most people have given me i could see myself giving the exact same if the subject was anyone else but me. Something about me being in the actually position blocks me from applying the same rationale to myself but i want to so i can heal.

Im in a deep state of emotions rather than logical thinking and the strength of the emotions are stronger right now. I dont like that uneven balance cause its impossible to get a solution if pure emotions overpower logic. I think these emotions are justified but i want them to subside as well

 

I think what the major issue is one of my core fundamental beliefs is opposing everybody elses advice on here and i keep thinking im right. Its rooted in the fact that i feel what you guys dont feel so i believe i must know what im talking about but the truth is people misjudge when theyre in pain. If you ever see an abused dog in pain he lashes out to protect himself even when others are trying to help. The dog does it because the pain hes feeling is real thats what causes the behavior and he geniunely believes hes helping himself and protecting himself by doing that. Its a good protective mechanism in a way to prevent further abuse but its misguised by being broken. Hed only get better by letting others touch him and heal him so he can receive that love again.

The 2 opposing beliefs are i believe the problem is rooted solely in what happened and since nothing can change that i wont get better. Im stubborn about me wishing it never happened.

Im not open minded to the fact that even though it happened i can still be happy.

Its rooted from me trying to protect myself from further pain not intentional. Its me recognizing that the reason why the problem started is the event itself but now its about how i think about it.

The people on the forums are agreeing that what happened is what brought forth the problem but thats not what the problem is anymore. The problem is how im choosing to see it.

Im the one in the wrong here and yes i need help. This probably will take therapy intervention or someone working with md to guide me into the right thinking pattern


Something i do that blocks me from receiving help are thoughts like "but how come others didnt do it" or "i took it too far nah man im unreedemable"

Also the embarassment and the shame of my actions .

I could probably chalk it up to it being disgusting but that doesnt make me disgusting.

One thought that tries to stop me is "watching is one thing doing really does make you disgusting" or "its not the same this one you cant overcome cause you actually did it"

I dont really have a good answer for those


I need help to work on this. I dont want to see myself as a monster. i want to be healthy and a use to others.

The disapointment in myself is real but it doesnt have to be life ending. If i stop right now maybe i can bounce back. I just feel unloved or unworthy of love after what ive done

 

I think its possible but it will take a lot of work. At first i believed it was completely IMPOSSIBLE.

I see the damage is there but its actually curable i thought it was uncurable since an effort to cure didnt automatically heal. Its a process.

If its acheivable im down to do it sign me up somehow

 

The only thing i wanna know is could it be 100% restoration or will i see improvementd but always have this nagging anger in the back of my head over what happened

 

Where have you been

 

I dont know what to believe anymore. Sometimes what you guys say on here rings to be true but sometimes the feelings i have are too geniune and strong to deny. I tried to be open minded and consider all options but im second guessing everything again.

This has had a true psychological effect on my that im not happy or comfortable with. Which then makes me not want to live. Which then makes me super angry

Theres no way out of this. Its stuck to me like tar. I just want to remove it but theres no way to

 

This is literally crazy. The things humans do man.. i just wish i knew the consequences and dangers

 

Recognizing what i did doesnt help ease the pain. Thats why i hate this so much. Ive never been faced with this type of pain before. Im used to when you fix a mistake and stop it all is good.

 

please tell me if youve acted out or just watched porn acting out is was worse and has damaged me psychologically more than porn ever could. Thats what pisses me off so mucb