Hello everyone, back after a long absence

Hi everyone,

I joined nofap years ago, and was never really good at keeping a long streak. I joined Sexaholics Anonymous and started seeing an addiction therapist. I ended up quitting SA because it was too weird and cultish for me, but my therapist was incredibly helpful and I owe pretty much everything to him. I soon got an amazing girlfriend and I thought I had discovered the love of my life. We told each other that we would always love one another and never give up on one another, and all sorts of wonderful things. That was 3 years ago.

Last June I felt like I had plateaued with my therapist. I still masterbated and watched porn occasionally, but it was mostly under control, emotionally I was doing well, and I felt like I was forking over money to him each week but wasn't making any more progress so I stopped seeing him.

Slowly things started to go downhill with my girlfriend. I started watching more porn and masturbating more when she wasn't around. Sometimes I would even masturbate when she was around because it's a different kind of urge that being with her wouldn't fulfill. Over time it got worse and worse. A month and a half ago she broke up with me. I feel like my life is shattered. It's literally the close I have ever come to experiencing a death. In a way, it is a death. Our relationship died. My expectations to live with her forever and always have her by my side died. I'm still grieving and mourning the loss and I feel like I'm going to be depressed for a long time to come.

Going back to porn definitely wasn't the only cause of our breakup, but I do think that it was hugely significant. I was less attentive to her and her needs, I was less intimate with her, etc... I was so horrified and disgusted with what porn and masturbation had done that I immediately vowed again to quit cold turkey. I soon realized that given my history I knew that wouldn't work. I think that porn was the main issue, so I decided to never watch porn again, but I would allow myself to masturbate once a week to let off some steam.

I forgot to mention that this whole time my former gf was saying to me that I still had a chance to win her back, so that gave me tons of motivation. Up until now, I was able to maintain my goal, but this Wednesday she told me that she doesn't see a future for us and I think the probability that she will eventually take me back is close to 0. I began to spiral, at first I considered watching porn much more dangerous than anything I have ever done before (not going to mention what it is so I don't trigger anybody) and read some of the scripts to the videos without watching them. Luckily I never watched them, but I ended up masturbating twice even though I had already had my weekly masturbation this week.

So now I'm feeling really shitty. I had been going so strong, and even though this isn't a major relapse I guess, it still takes away from a lot of the confidence and feelings of accomplishment that I was feeling. So that's where I am... Hoping this community can help get me back on my two feet during this difficult period.

Sorry for the long post!

 

Don't apologize for a long post, it helps to air these things out. And it helps others to see that they are not alone. You just took one hell of a hit in your life, but you sound like you understand your situation and you really want to get back up. We're all with you, stay strong. And when things start to build up, you can always let it all go on these forums.

 

Thanks Jag for the kind and supportive words!