I lost my life and cant get it back

I get what youre trying to say and i dont take offense to it. You probably have a point about anyone could probably guess what it is based on what ive provided.

Ive tried to address the issue, ive taken some of the advice and tried to apply it, but im still faced with the same horrifying feelings every single day.

I guess one more thing i could do is make a thread admitting what happened, but the thing is some people have already addressed it based on the information ive given, and ive admitted to a few people privately yet that still didnt necessarily fix it.

Overall im distraught. I think the truth comes to us naturally and my natural feeling about what happened is im geniunely screwed forever.

My conscience tells me "dont do that or youre screwed", i ignore my conscience and do it, then i feel screwed. So my conscience is probably right

 

The regret behind this is super real. I was at a state of equilibrium and peace before that i dont think is reachable again. This is nuts. The actions I took without any precaution or thought is insanity and so stupid.

 

Its over man. In all this struggling and straining i realized the love inside of me is fading away. I can only faintly remember it now.

The real me is gone. I can only barely remember who I am. I faintly remember my real self and how i used to feel.

This hurts so much. I dont want to be here anymore

 

It just gets worse every day. I cannot cope with this for the rest of my life. Im definitely broken theres no doubt about it

 

This is a freaking nightmare

 

The truth hurts. Zip me up and bury me already. Im cursed to know what life is supposed to be like. The guilt on my conscience is unremovable. I have a long life of suffering ahead of me

 

I had sort of an epiphany that i think where a lot of these thoughts and feelings are coming from are from the mental idea that i have engrained in me that what i did is unpardonable so im somewhat exagerrating the severity of what ive done
and from insecurity that just cause i tried something doesnt mean i identify with it, which i felt like it did.

This is relieving a bit of stress but only 2 problems present themselves 1: i wish i never had the experience in the first place even if i learned something from it and got closure, that part still bothers me for some reason and 2: My religious views are conflicting me because to sort of heal from this abit i wanna return to normal sexual endavours a bit when the time is right to just loosen up but its against God. So im kind of stressed and feel pressure

Hopefully what i just said makes sense because although it is not the ideal scenario, a sliver of progress just got cracked open like a door, im still pissed though that it happened in the first place

 

This realization helped me a little bit but in the grand scheme of things i realized how serious what i did really is and it has me scared as hell. Im extremely scared.

Im horrified at what i did. It feels like a curse. It feels like it shouldnt have happened.

I could numb my conscience and "go to sleep" so to speak but im so aware of it now.

This is driving me insane. Its like when one door closes another one opens. Yes what i just wrote earlier remains to be true. I got closure, but the thing is it goes deeper than that shallow crap. The weight of what i actually did is being shown to me and idk how one can stay sane after this.

Wow. I think the rest of my life is ruined.

Its like right when i think ive reached the deepest depths of the issue and think i got em solved, it carries on to stage 2 to show me the parts i havent addressed yet and wow.. that was just the surface. If it were possible I should have spontaneously combusted by now. Not sure how this much stress can be in one brain.

 

This is getting rather dark rather quick. I dont know if im exagerating. If its buried and gone then it should be buried and gone but im treating it as if im still doing it or as if i havent remorsed from it. Idk why its weird. I just feel that guilty over it. Even though its done i still feel major guilt, and psychologically tripped out.

Also its really damaging my self esteem. The ideal life i had planned out feels ruined. Yeah im judging myself as a monster right now.

 

So while i was preoccupied with something, i covered that hole and thought it was over, whew im in the clear i thought. Only to realize a bigger one was hidden underneath.

Thats crazy..

 

Its getting worse. This is starting to get scary. I dont know how much of this i can take. Im strung out. My life is a nightmare. Please someone take me out

 

I do :/ but ultimately God left us with free will and I did something horrible

 

I have no body i can share this with. Im just destroyed by it. I dont see why i should even live anymore. I hate what its done to me

 

Either way the results are i cant live with it. I dont want another day to go by knowing what i did. The truth is i rather go back and fix it but thats not an option so the only viable thing left that i want is to die. I hope it happens sooner than later. I dont even think dying will fix it though. I think thats just another attempt to escape. Im scared of death too. This is a nightmare. Theres no way out