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Deep regret and shame for what I've done *warning*

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by glchaka, Mar 18, 2021.

  1. RecoveringInIsolation

    RecoveringInIsolation Fapstronaut

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    The main thing is you are horrified by what you did, which is better than others in this thread who seem to have no realisation of the gravity of what they did. I hope you are able to find a place where you can learn to deal with what you did and get some closure. It sounds like a classic case of P induced escalation. I hope that getting your P use under control will help
     
  2. PrioritySystem

    PrioritySystem Fapstronaut

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  3. glchaka

    glchaka Fapstronaut

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    Beyond horrified. This comes in such strong waves. I've felt like my chest is going to exploded all week. Sick to my stomach. Super depressed. Now on day 5 of no P, still feeling this as strongly as I did at the beginning of the week. I just want to free of this pain I caused myself. I feel like I should delete this thread, because now I'm obsessively checking it for reassurance.
     
    Missthepast67 likes this.
  4. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    No, do not delete this thread. You are not a paedophile. You need and deserve reassurance. None of us are saints here. o_O
     
    RobbyGo36 and Icouldprobablyhelp like this.
  5. Don’t delete it. I guarantee you your not the only one going through something like this. Your just the one who had the courage to open up about it (along with a few others I’ve seen here and there on here)


    Look into charity’s like RAINN and such. Consider donating to them. It’s at least a start to try and get some peace of mind. Try not to dwell on it to much either because you’ll end up back at square one. Observe the memory if it forces itself into your mind. Try to figure out what triggered it and move on with your life.

    But you do have to stop the PMO any time you go back to it your dancing with the devil.
     
  6. glchaka

    glchaka Fapstronaut

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    My anxiety about this all week has greatly affected my relationship. I've been vacant and glazed over, and my fiance has taken on my stress and is feeling immense anxiety and doubt about our future together. I hate that I brought this into our relationship. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with this. She's been supportive the last couple of times I've felt like this, but has reached her limit and is scared and feels alone because she can't talk to anyone about it either. I don't know what to do. I'm going to the SAA group tonight. I don't know if they're still doing in person meetings but I'm desperate for support, to confess to another real person what I've done. I'm still terrified to talk to a therapist, I don't want to throw my life away. I just want to move on :(
     
  7. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I feel like your mental illness is just as much a problem here as what you actually did, in the sense you are finding it hard to get past it even when you rationally know you are not a paedophile. I would approach a therapist not with the intent of confessing, but with the goal of getting better help with managing this anxiety in a more general sense. I would also look into doing things that may soothe your conscience a little bit, donating to charities, or even doing charity work. You are not a bad person, you just did a bad thing.
     
    RobbyGo36 and PrioritySystem like this.
  8. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

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    I was expecting much worse.
     
    PrioritySystem likes this.
  9. When I was 22 I dated a 17 year old, and didn't think too much of it then. She was wild and there was a chemistry there. Obviously now I'm 35, of course your body changes but sometimes your feelings don't- you're biologically programmed to want to mate with teenage girls. Fact is, although they may have stamina in bed, they're really immature and lack experience.
     
  10. glchaka

    glchaka Fapstronaut

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    It's been a little over 2 weeks since I posted this and I'm feeling marginally better, but still feeling really depressed and getting massive anxiety feelings in my chest every morning, right when I wake up. I started seeing a new therapist last week. We've had 3 video sessions so far. I've opened up about my P addiction, how I feel so much guilt and shame about it. But he doesn't fully understand why I feel so much guilt about it. The problem is that I never really felt all that guilty about looking at P until I went down that dark road years ago. He explained his mandatory reporting requirements, mentioned the usual requirements that he would have to report if I planned on hurting anyone or myself or a child, which I am not. I like him, I can open up about my porn addiction with him. He can tell I'm really sad and really wants to help. I'm just afraid to admit what I really did - the one piece of the puzzle that would make my anxiety and guilt make sense. He asked me to take note of the emotions I am feeling when I want to look at P. Almost every emotion makes me want to go that road. I'm totally avoiding everything and just want to escape. He also thinks I have a strong sense of wanting to be defiant - sort of a way I approached life with my very religious parents.

    -Feeling anxiety, want to look at P
    -Helped an attractive client at work with a complicated task, feeling accomplished. Wanted to look at P.
    -Annoyed, want to look at P
    -overwhelmed at work, want to look at P
    -Totally apathetic, want to look at P

    I had a 2 week streak of no P. I started to feel a little better over this weekend, and noticed my guard dropping on Saturday/Sunday. I started testing myself, checking out girls in public, clicking on reddit posts with women in them that might be somewhat attractive (no P). Then Monday my guard dropped again, I started looking at women in lingerie/bikinis. Stopped myself from going any farther. Then yesterday, pushed it again to lingerie and topless girl videos on reddit. I didn't look at anything hardcore and tried to avoid any fully nude stuff, but now I'm feeling disappointed in myself. I was saying to myself the whole time - "what are you gaining from this right now? Why do you need this?" then I would justify it because I am so attracted to women, and that it lifted me out of the depressive mood for a bit. At the same time, I'm still having these thoughts in my mind of if the girls I'm looking at are too young. Ignoring any posts where the girls are under 20 in the title, making sure I avoid that. But the constant worry about that definitely makes me feel worse while looking at P or triggering content. I am NOT seeking out girls that look young, but I panic if they look like it. Then question myself if I really do want to look at it after I close out the window. It's an awful cycle that I really need to break out of.

    So I'm on day 1 again of a new streak. Meeting twice a week with my new therapist. I wish there were an easy way out of this. I hate what those two moments of weakness and escalation did to me. I see photos of myself before I went down that dark road and I look so much happier. It's so hard for me now to feel joy and to be present in the moment. I'm always off in space, hating myself for what I did and feeling so alone in it. One day at a time I guess :/
     
    RobbyGo36 likes this.
  11. T.Mann

    T.Mann Fapstronaut

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    You are brave to confess this, so I applaud you for that. From my understanding, based on research I've come across, is that a lot of people who have ever looked at CP, or have ever had sexual thoughts or feelings about children, never act out; if you start sharing content that is another matter (not suggesting you would), but even then there are convictions of file sharers who have never physically abused children themselves. I live in Australia and in the suburb where a notorious case involving what became known as the PedoEmpire took place - essentially a young guy (early 20s) who never had any contact with children, but created a network of sites and forums for hurtcore material. My point is that there is a large spectrum of online activity that can take place and you're really at the least harmful end of it (although that doesn't mean you shouldn't address your behaviour, which it obviously sounds like you are trying to).

    One additional thing I'd say is that I do think the Internet can facilitate risky and taboo behaviour. The blurring of ages when young looking women of legal age (which is different depending where you live) play young looking teen girls, is just one of many examples I'm thinking of here - the use of click bait, the advertising banners you find on pages that blend every fetish you can think of, all of these sorts of things can help you spiral down a rabbit hole of images you know you shouldn't be looking at. We can't blame technology or the Internet for how we react to these images or the real-world decisions we make based on what we see, but I do think it is worth keeping in mind the degree to which we are given the opportunities to keep going deeper and darker with the shit that is out there ...
     
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  12. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I don't know why but I had a feeling that you were going to say that. It's rough but do your best not to think of yourself as a bad person. We are all struggling with porn addiction. I get that CP is worse but at the end of the day it comes from the same root. You went down the rabbit hole and it escalated. Let this be your rock bottom and climb back up!
     
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  13. BeingBett3r

    BeingBett3r Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I saw your post the first time, and going by this update feel compelled to respond now. I think @RecoveringInIsolation covered it quite well earlier. I deeply empathize with the pain you're feeling, but there's no running away from it: what you did was a terrible, disgusting thing. Those images you looked at contributed to the abuse of those victims in one form or the other, and the guilt you feel now means your moral compass recognises it was wrong and you simply can not let go.

    If you want, take a look at my first ever post on this forum. I came here because I needed help dealing with my feelings. I struggle with excessive guilt because I saw escorts a few years ago, and because it's illegal, I feel like I need to face the law. Of course, I've never been back to escorts and will never go back, but just like you (who hasn't gone back to that stuff), I feel the chest pain, the intense memory of my actions, the obsessiveness that leaves me depressed and unable to focus on any tasks that I choose. I may have good days but my bad days are many, start in the morning with the guilt in my mind and make me lose my appetite, drive to eat or work or be with friends. Similar to your case, I have close friends who are aware of my choices, recognize that I'm no longer this person and accept me for who I am, but my mind will simply not let go of my past. I can't speak to your choice to turn yourself in, because this is a personal decision but wouldn't you be better served if you accept those guilty emotions as a reminder of how to move forward, managed the intrusive thoughts, never go back to porn, and find ways to make amends now. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and I'm certainly no expert at any of this, but a few pointers that could help:

    1. You say you've been diagnosed with POCD, but take a look at this article: https://www.turningpointpsychology.ca/blog/real-event-ocd that talks about Real Event OCD. Read through to the end, read the comments and see how people are unable to let go of terrible actions from the past that most people would have forgiven themselves for. It may not be the same issues, but this is not an isolated struggle. Look into the practice of self-compassion.
    2. Search for CSAT Therapists who may also deal with Acceptance Commitment Therapy or ERP in your state. They understand sex addiction, have dealt with behavior that crossed lines and the choices that obsession with pornography causes and can speak specifically to your issue. They can also recommend Group therapy/meetings for sex addiction. Mandatory reporting is when harm has been caused or will be caused, which isn't what you're doing.
    3. You need deliberate recovery and that begins with stopping all forms of pornography. Amongst other things, we watch pornography as an escape, to give us relief, enhance our already-happy emotions, manage sadness, or out of boredom. You're still using soft-core pornography as an escape to help you deal with this trauma. It's ineffective because it contributes to the cycle of guilt. Go to this page https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...ive-your-willpower-an-aid-easy-streaks.272658, select your device type and permanently block out porn on every device.
    4. Good porn Podcasts I recommend: Porn-free Radio and some episodes on Fighting the New Drug. Understand the difficulty of the battle as well as people who have fought it. I say some episodes of FTND because some have triggers like abuse victims and it may make your guilt worse, so skip those. You can write your issues to Matt, the host of Porn-free radio, and seek his advice as well.
    5. No matter how many times I, people on this forum, therapists, or your fiance may reassure you, your brain will not accept it. I deal with this too. That is the nature of OCD. But I'll say this: few years ago, you made a horrible, deeply immoral choice and that guilt will linger. However you are not that person anymore and you're working towards never being a pornography viewer. Accept it and work towards that goal!
    6. When triggered to feel guilt, ask yourself: what am I missing out on? What responsibilities am I not attending to? What connections with my fiancé who has accepted my past am I rejecting? What monthly goals am I letting suffer by turning attention to this? How is worrying about behavior from the past helping me right now?
    7. Recognize that even after all of this, the guilt may not go away directly. With OCD we can not escape intrusive, obsessive thoughts or the panic and anxiety, but we can manage those thoughts in other ways. Refer to #1 and practise self-compassion.
    I'll update as I think of more pointers, but I wish you success in dealing with this behavior.
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2021
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  14. jaguar18

    jaguar18 Fapstronaut

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    Lol this is a ridiculous statement. It's like saying 'you're biologically programmed to cave someone's skull in if they threaten you' or something like that.
     
  15. RiverBlue

    RiverBlue Fapstronaut

    That's probably true though. LOL
     
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  16. jrm61

    jrm61 Fapstronaut

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    You are obviously a very self-aware person. You have posted this truth that has been buried inside of you onto the internet for a bunch of strangers to see. You trusted us. Congratulations on being so courageous. If there is anything that we can do for you whether its check-ins or a place to vent, let us know.
     
  17. I’m assuming by your lack of presence on here you did end up coming out and saying something about what you did either in therapy or SAA. Now I assume your facing the consequences of those actions..... good for you, I hope you can come out the other side a better person and with a little bit of peace of mind.

    Whether or not in your specific case you deserve the harsh punishment I don’t know. It’s not as simple as labeling you as a monster nor is it as simple as saying it’s not your fault and it was all P induced.

    good luck dude. I hope you can back back and share more of your story with us.

    once again I’m just assuming I could be wrong.
     
  18. Missthepast67

    Missthepast67 Fapstronaut

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    Porn addiction sucks man. I whole heartedly believe it influences us to do stuff we would never do. It lowers your conscience and presents the idea of trying something new as trivial.

    For this guy it was something horrific in one way, but it has led others to do other horrific things in other ways. It has led me to paths that although were perfectly legal were horrific and destructive. Thats part of rhe deception too. Since its legal no harm involved right? So destructive. No way out for some, like me. You see how fast this guy's life changed? Years of his life destroyed over one decision
     
  19. UncleBarnacle

    UncleBarnacle Fapstronaut

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    "Ridiculous" is a pretty strong word, no?

    Take a look at who you desperately wanted to mate with as soon as your balls dropped - was it women over 30? Over 50? Over 70? No..it was probably women your age or under 20 years old. That continues throughout your life, judging from the popularity of that age group not just in the porn world but in the ad world, the media world, the selling-of-toothpaste-and-detergent world. The man was speaking biologically, not mentally, spiritually, emotionally (unless I misunderstood.)

    Aside from the above, women in that age group are more physically able to withstand pregnancy and birth. We must remember that giving birth, even 150 years ago, was very much a life-threatening event both for the child and the mother, and the mother being young and strong helped both survive.

    Thoughts welcome!
     
  20. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    Get the help from your therapist to quit porn. After a full reboot, then see how you feel.
     

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