Near 120 days but really struggling with life and finding happiness

First off, huge respect on the 114 days. As for what you're going through; do you have anyone in your life you can talk these things over with? Your girlfriend maybe? It sounds like you need some perspective, and talking with a good, honest friend is a good place to start. Since I don't know you personally, there's not a lot I can offer you other than to tell you that I've gotten over that lost feeling by talking with a good friend. And it's not to say that one conversation will solve things, but it's a good place to start, and just starting can feel good. Take care.

 

Hi friend
congratulations on me than a hundred days that's great. People who told you you'll feel better probably hadn't been sober as long as you have it weren't when they said that because it's much more true to say "yeah you'll feel better: you'll feel ennui better, you'll feel anxiety better, you'll feel..." . Sobriety is the beginning, and you have a really good question "how to find happiness.". Basically you're seeing, which many of us never see, that happiness can't be found in external things like relationships or did or accomplishments. There's always more to be had, just like getting money does me no good if I immediately need twice the amount I just got. Same with sex, if I'm having sex and wanting to have sex with twice as many partners I won't be happy no matter how much.
It's better if I quote someone who's further down the path than me, I've posted it before but it bears repeating. I know I need constant reminders of this.
:::::::::
One day my mind said, “What is wrong with me?” “Why doesnt happiness stay put?” “Where are the answers?” “Have I gone crazy or has the whole world gone mad?”
The solution to any problem seems to bring only brief relief, because it is the basis of the next problem. The mind just kept chattering along, “Does anybody have the secret?”
Don’t worry, everybody’s desperate. Some seem very cool about it “I can’t see what the fuss is about” they say. “Life seems simple to me.”...they can’t even look at it!
The confusion of the experts is more sophisticated, wrapped in jargon and impressive mental construction. They have predetermined belief systems into which they try to squeeze you. It seems to work for a while and then it’s just back to ones original state again

 

I’m in a similar state right now with a similar amount of time away from porn. I’ve had to tease out my reasons for unhappiness in therapy but I think one of the reasons I’m unhappy if I’m being completely honest is I miss being in my addiction. Even though I’m in SAA and working my recovery a part of me just misses it. Even though it was ruining my life. I think drug addicts and alcoholics go through this as well even when they are clean and sober for years on end. There is something genuinely depressing about not getting to interact with your drug of choice anymore even when it is destroying your life.

 

The longest I’ve gone is 120ish days. I broke last March when I had to close my business for a month. I’ll be back at 120 days on May 8th. I don’t know if you have tried SAA but I’ve found it extraordinarily helpful in maintaining sobriety. I avoided it for so long out of fear and shame but it could not be a more stabilizing force. If you ever want to try a meeting shoot me a PM and I will send you a link. We meet every Monday from 7-8pm CST online. Nice to chat with you as well.

 

First off all I want to congratulate everyone on this thread for their long streaks... huge respect Ive relapsed so many times and I am trying to get clean from my addiction... I had 8 weeks streak 2 months ago and I felt same way like u and the replies on this thread changed my mind and helped me too! thanks for sharing I can't feel confident about getting rid off this addiction but I will try my best

 

Yes. Normally we pick a topic to discuss and do general check in about where we are at week to week. We share our history, our struggles, and or progress. Basically it’s a group of guys like you and me who are just trying to live sober one day at a time. It’s great that you have attended a meeting. I guess ours would start at about 1am your time

 

A few thoughts on this @Mateus long - while I'm something of an expert at PMO (been at it for over 4 decades, this porn-free thing for a month, what a contrast) I've thought a lot about recovery and have read a bit about sex addiction (had negotiated with pornography over all that time, never acknowledged it was an addiction until only a month ago, see my journal for all the gory details) and its connection to my emotions (including feelings of unhappiness).

Us men here on NoFap have

• a biological problem (could be PIED, DE, PAWS along with all the messed up hormones / dopamine - all the YBOP materials),
  
• a psychological problem (early on feelings of fear, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, frustration, even celebration could be self-met with porn and masturbation; potential trauma of all kinds could be associated with those feelings and PMO),
  
• a technical problem (pornography is now frictionless, whereas before I had to buy or steal a magazine of photos from a store, now infinite variety, limitless supply and often-free videos and photos are in my pocket),
  
• a societal problem ("if you pay for sex, that can land you in jail, if you watch strangers being paid for sex, that is a $B business"),

(There are more for sure but I'll focus on the first two.)
Going porn- and masturbation-free means the biological problem often will go away on its own; for some it may take a lot longer than others, but so many stories here of genuine restoration of 'normal function', and I can attest to my biological problem having a lot of healing in less than a month.

The psychological one, though, wow that's a difficult one. Here are some notes I've made from Patrick Carne's Out of the Shadows.

There are four core beliefs of the addict (chapter on "The Family and the Addict's World", pp.69 - 72

1. I am basically a bad, unworthy person. (self-image)
2. No one would love me as I am. (relationships)
3. My needs will never be met if I depend on another person. (needs)
4. Sex is my most important need. (sexuality)

(from chapter on "The Twelve Steps to Recovery p.138)

Recovering persons who use the Twelve Steps can say to themselves:
1. I am a worthwhile person deserving of pride.
2. I am loved and accepted by people who know me as I am.
3. My needs can be met by others if I let them know what I need.
4. Sex is but one expression of my need and care for others.

Thus when you ask about happiness, well it is so true that our happiness is directly related to our relationships to others, as well as how we intrinsically feel about ourselves. Porn was tied into my feelings, feelings that go deep down were valid emotional needs. My own exposure to nudity goes back to when I was about 7 or 8 years old, pornography about 11 years old; soon masturbation was to follow connected with my feelings of inadequacy, of loneliness, of frustration, and of boredom. Others have other experiences and associations - and for decades I medicated these feelings by myself. (#3 above, I met my needs depending on me alone.)

Thus both Carnes and Weiss put the 12-step program squarely in the center of their prescriptions for recovering from sexual addiction, of which pornography is a subset.

Yesterday I received my copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, and the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book is on order. Having finished Weiss' excellent The Final Freedom last night, I look forward to digging into 12-steps. Yesterday I also participated in my first Porn Addicts Anonymous group, there was structure and openness and I learned a lot; will be participating in several more this week.

OP your feelings of unhappiness are telling you something, and it has taken these many weeks of being pornography-free for those feelings to surface. Thus it is time to change - whether your behavior, your attitude, your mindset, a relationship (or several) - as for what needs to change, well that is for you to discover. I congratulate you sincerely for getting to this point - many men never get to it, choosing to bury the feeling in their addiction of choice, our addiction was porn and all of that sexual self-pleasure - and now you have an opportunity to grow.

The choice is up to you.

 

Hey - I am going on a PAA binge this week (ha ha a good binge for a change).

Am on East Coast US time, I’ll setup a conversation (equivalent to a PM on this site) about where I’ll be joining the PAA sessions.

 

While a 12 step meeting of any kind can be good you definitely need to find one for sex addiction.

 

I'm right there with you on finding this, I call it practicing contentment, helpful and also finding myself back in selfishness regularly. That back and forth can be embraced, when I'm in selfishness it wasn't concious but then at some point I notice and I can make a conscious choice then.
Yeah it's nice that we can have happy for external things and enjoy them that way without needing them to be a certain way for happiness. Accepting what's in front of me is contentment even if that is something I don't like. Paying attention like "I wonder if this thing I don't like will last forever or not " and "now that I've accepted these are the facts right now is there anything that feels important to do given these facts?".
Thanks for working on your recovery and helping keep me sober one more day