35 and older accountability, Group 2

You did the right thing. Sounds like you need to change your weekend habits. Are you alone alot in a place that's easy for your brain to spend enough time convincing you that you need to fap?

 

Still on the wagon. I do still get thoughts of my fetish which Id like to name but don't really want to trigger people and I also have this thought where I wonder what new videos may be available on said fetish that i haven't seen yet that could be completely awesome. I keep reminding myself that this is just my brain scanning for novelty again. I used to open up porn sites without even thinking about it. The habbit is definitely crumbling. I'm not looking at any porn but the odd thought creeps in but it is short lived.

 

My wife leaves on the weekend to see friends sometimes and those are really tough times for me. I need to make a habit to get out of house too. With vaccination, I can leave again and need to do that.

 

That’s exactly what you’re suppose to do. When you relapse (over-used word), get on here and admit it immediately. What I used to do is after a relapse, is I would just completely avoid this website for like 30 days straight before I would come back. Don’t do that.

 

So if anyone took the time to read that stupid long post I wrote the other night (I hope you had something better to do); you might have noticed some of the rules that I wrote for that. And even though I’m not following some of them, I have found, without much effort, that I’m following some of the other rules and that is keeping me away from porn (but not away from masterbation).

1. I don’t allow any electronic device capable of accessing the internet in my bedroom where I sleep. I keep my tablet and phone in the bathroom when not using them.
2. I only go on the internet if there is someone around: like at work, or the library, or at home with someone in the same room.
3. I don’t go on youtube or other social media when at home, period. I don’t really go on youtube or social media anyway, but if I feel the need to, I allow myself to use youtube at work or at the library where I know I will be good.
4. And I only go on the internet to get what needs to get done, and then get off immediately. I don’t linger on the internet mindlessly surfing the web.
5. And I allow myself to watch netflix, but NOT adult netflix. I only watch kids netflix (disney, animation, pixar, pee wee herman, etc).

And that’s about it. I follow those 5 rules and I stay off porn.

So I’m currently on a masterbation binge;

but the fact that it’s not a porn and masterbation binge, I consider that progress.

 

Had another week-long streak. It started very focused, very productive and with few thoughts about porn. The end of the work week was a bit more tough, and also had a very stressful week-end with the family, and ended up relapsing as I had some time alone. Starting another week I will focus on reusing the same positive habits that got me on the right track last week, and I will watch out for those frustrating situations to be more prepared the next time they show up.

 

here is a tracker I made for my daily routines in case you are interested

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1sTq7oQr9HRy8pKeZ9a0ENxpu1hQqxz5oPpVZDhRyTwI/edit?usp=sharing

Commitments is non negotiable,
intentions are bonus

 

Without trying, I got myself invited to join a beer league softball team. So my monday evenings for the next 3 months will be filled with competitive beer drinking softball games. So that will be fun. Whichever team can drink the most beer before the games over wins; oh, and score the most runs.

On a serious note though, that’s the kind of thing i’ve been meaning to do as part of my recovery; be more social and start doing stuff with other people, and by a stroke of dumb luck I ran into someone at the right time who said they need another player. So my monday nights through july are filled with social interaction with other people now.

What else can I do to be more social with people I wonder?

 

Back to day 0. Lack of mind control and taking the phone to bed caused it

 

For anyone who needs a bit of motivation. Never Give Up!

 

Well at least it's a great day to start over again on Star Wars day. May the fourth be with you.

 

You know taking the phone to bed caused it. So that’s simple enough to fix isn’t it? Keep all devices that can be used to access the internet out of your bedroom, period, at all times.

You just said point blank that that’s what caused it. Keep all those devices out of your room at all times.

 

Checking in. I’m 3 days into a new streak. Starting to figure out a big source of stress and how to manage it better. Got 7 more weeks of graduate school too, so things may slow down soon.

 

been working with a coach on the topic if empowerment and relationships.

My homework is to journal about relationships for 10 minutes every day on different aspects of it.

I realized my core value is Freedom, and I had this interesting insight that in order to have freedom I must be willing to honor my own rules because without rules there can be no freedom, which seems like a paradox but its not.

Its like if we want to drive from this city to another city we have to sit in a car and be restricted to a chair and put on seat belt and follow all the rules of driving, in order to get to our destination where we get to enjoy a new existence, the same with porn and sexual discipline, My intention is to be free from compromising in my relationships, compromising my time and energy, to give my best to the world and to enjoy the best gifts of God, and to BE FREE from the thoughts of guilt and shame and fear, which is caused when i am chasing after short term pleasures for the fulfillment, but when i accept to renounce these selfish attachments and commit to living a simple life and one day at a time finding joy in small things, I experience the real freedom, i may feel lack of freedom in the moment of temptation, but the tempations get less and less and the joy of being and love for all gets more and more, and so i am living in alignment to my values.

 

Day 4 + 16:
I didn't realize it's been more than 1 week since I last checked in.

Things have been going well overall. It seems like I can feel the benefits from my previous days before this current count. Currently today I'm feeling the internal pressure and dealing with thoughts/fantasies. But I haven't had thoughts/fantasies a lot recently, which is very good.

I don't have a desire for P but I think I'm vulnerable to random triggers.

From what I've learned about myself and PMO addiction is that I tend to fall into the binges which normally are a combination of the dopamine hits from searching/finding, jumping from video to video and edging, over and over. They can last hours long and earlier this year and last year I had many of them and I knew they were damaging. From what I can tell I've had 64 days since my last normal binge and 29 days since a medium binge. I don't remember them but I'm using the numbers from my recent journal entries.

I'm feeling the pressure to MO some today but I don't really desire P. I've kind of been seeing and writing about in my journal, how much of an illusion P is (obviously). And that seems to also help me not desire it, although I'm sure I'm still vulnerable to weak moments. And while all the desires for a woman are alive and well in me, I really don't want P.

I've learned from trial and error many times that MO/edging would be a mistake. It would surely take me on the slippery slope back to P.

 

It’s been 22 days or something. I’m not really counting, but I haven’t looked at porn or any sleazy social media crap, or youtube videos in over 3 weeks. Masterbation here and there but no porn.

And it’s kind of weird to explain, but there’s like this part of me that feels like i have takin a slight step back from porn. If porn is a fire and it’s hot, I have takin one step back and put a little distance between me and the heat. That’s what it feels like. At this time, I don’t have any real desire to look at porn.

I jerk it whenever I desire, but I avoid porn, and I notice that alone has improved social interaction with the opposite sex. Porn is definitely a lot more of the enemy than masterbation.

 

Ive had to reset my counter today. I was on 83 days and only had a week to get to 90. I've just had over a week in hardmode and it got the better of me today. I realise I'm in a much stronger position than I was at the start of this streak and I'm going to take this progress forward by not bingeing and carrying on as I was.

 

Has been an interesting week,

Feeling well overall and the good feeling brings with it its own challenges.

Noticing my addicted mind coming up with all kinds of justifications to want to end the discipline and to go back to watching porn.

(Notice how tricky this temptation is, whereas in the past temptations would feel painful and bad, this type of temptation feels good and exciting as if something positive is taking place, kind of like excitement of an alcoholic who decides he deserves a drink for celebrating his 1 year anniversary which is a delusion and will wake up full of regret and hungover the next day")

I have also been considering poly relationships when one has multiple partners and been reading about it in many different places, etc.

But the one thing that I feel has been helping me so much is taking a day of silence (Sundays) and just meditating and praying and asking for guidance,

and it is crazy how often many of my 'good ideas' turn out to become totally distorted and seem totally false desires which would have lead to suffering,

So today is another one of those days where I am reminded of the bliss I feel on a normal day-to-day basis when my attention is free from craving porn and lustful images that were constantly in my mind.


I watched some of Sadguru videos on youtube on porn, casual sex and masturbation. I was reminded, that the body has memories and by involving myself with many partners I would only create more suffering for myself. I also was reminded of the purpose of my human life is not to be fixed on animalistic behavior but to honor the body's needs but to focus and use my intellect and attention on a worthy goal rather than being constantly on the lookout for the next entertainment.

I started to revisit the big book (aa) and reading it put me to tears, the tears of joy and love, which I have forgotten for so long, after that crying session I realized how empty my heart was feeling and I felt the spirit of God fill me up again.

I then was lead to my other book "addiction and Grace" which really inspired me of certain key principles I had forgotten such as how addiction fixes the attention and captured attention is not able to open to the love and grace of God and keeps one in bondage.

Another realization I had is how my mind was secretly imagining going back to porn sites and these images when not conscious of can take root and become obsessions.

I realize temptations have increased last week because I was entertaining thoughts of going back, without making a firm resolute when I noticed the thoughts come.

SO this is what I am planning to do this week.

1. Renewing my commitment to no PMO and living free every day by journaling and affirming and being thankful for ONE MORE day of freedom
2. Reading the book addiction and grace every night for a week
3. Helping others who I am lead to becoming free so I can remain free myself.

 

Thank you for your honest share. You continue to be an inspiration to me and others here, even in your struggle. I harbor many of the same fantasies you mention and it is all very hard to live with. You have great tools and resources, don’t stop using them because they have worked to get you to this great and challenging place you are at.