Is this what I want?

Let me first apologize for writing a book here..

A little background information- my boyfriend and I met about a year ago. Things moved a little too quick as I found myself pregnant only a few months into our relationship. Of course, this changed the entire outlook of our relationship. Things went from love, lust, and fun to a quite serious relationship.

My boyfriend is 34 years old, comes from the south, was in a marriage for 10 years with a result of 3 children (ages 10, 8, and 4). Since being divorced (3 years now) he does not see his children often. Growing up, he was sexually abused by his half sister. This began at a very young age. He currently does not have very much, if any- contact with her. He has since moved up north, where I am from, and also where his brother lives. His children are currently visiting for the summer.

I am currently 31 years old, from the north, never married. I have two additional children from a previous relationship (ages 14 and 7), and now a one month old with the boyfriend.

Currently, i find myself in a relationship with far too many arguments, sadness, and loneliness. At the beginning, our sex life was great. We would have sex daily, sometimes multiple times each day. A few months into our relationship, this changed. At the time, I blamed it on the fact that I was pregnant. He and I had begun arguing a lot around this time. He would tell me how stressed hes been, his anxiety levels were high, etc. This is when I first found porn on my BFs phone. We spoke/argued about it briefly, I told him I didnt like or appreciate that he was watching it, especially since we had not been as sexually active as often even though I was readily available to him anytime. This made me feel ugly, unwanted, and just not good enough (hormones didnt help any). He told me he would stop.

Since then, the arguments have continued. Obviously we did not know one another very well, and maybe still completely dont. I have since found porn on his phone a hundred times. Each time it leads to an argument. He apologizes and tells me it has nothing to do with me. Recently, when I have found it, most times, I just dont say anything at all. Im tired of arguing. With having a child together, its been hard to just give up. But at the very same time, its so much harder not to.

I now find myself completely overcome with shame. My confidence has changed to self doubt. My thoughts of how beautiful I am have turned into me feeling ugly. Where before, I was not the jealous person, I am full of jealousy. I feel unloved, unwanted, and stupid. I love this guy, but never in my life did I imagine myself in a relationship like this.

A few nights ago, i brought up the fact that he and I hadnt had sex in over a week. I also told him that I found porn on his phone. He told me that he doesnt masterbate to it, he just likes to watch it (as if I am that dense). Then he went on to tell me I was being controlling and that him looking at porn was none of my business.

I just want my loving boyfriend back. I want the guy I could trust. The one who, at the beginning was full of compassion and respect. Right now, Ive got the complete opposite. He denies having a problem and is completely blind to the fact that this problem has an effect on our relationship.

Do I just give up on him? Have I been through enough hard days with no signs of improvement? When is enough, enough?

 

Hi @Blondewife! Thank you for responding.

My BF hasnt admitted that he even has a problem, let alone willing to change. When we argue and fight, we both agree that each of us need to work on being more compassionate and respectful, but it always seems like Im the only one that puts effort into it. He apologizes, says a few kind words, then back to his normal the next day. Its a revolving door that never closes.

Today is our anniversary. I had to remind him, of course. Throughout the day, we argued once because i asked him to wake up after taking a two hour nap. Then we took his kids out, he chose a seafood place to eat lunch, knowing i dont eat it, then screamed and cussed at me because i looked miserable.

I wanted to scream back, call him names, tell him that hes a disqusting person, etc..but i just stayed there, silent. I didnt say all the horrible things i wanted to say.

Its crazy that i can be sitting beside him and feel like im alone. Am i wishful thinking here, still believing that something good exists between us? Will he ever notice i am there? Will he ever look at me like he does P? I cannot believe something so ugly and degrading (P) has made me jealous. Am i like this because i have so much resentment and sadness built up inside of me? Does it ever get easier?

 

Hi @Blondewife! Im hanging in there, partially...how are you?

Id first like to thank everyone for their responses and advice. I really do appreciate it.

My boyfriend and I have had a few good days followed by a few bad ones. Once again, the revolving door.

Its almost invigorating when you get to a point in your relationship when you become okay with giving up on it. It allows you the freedom to say the things youve wanted to say without a care about what the response from the other will be. Without the fear of regret or shame. This alone, i feel has helped me lately.

It allowed me to face him and tell him exactly what i felt. I told him that he was emotionally abusing me (yelling, cussing, degrading, negative judgements, controlling, etc) I told him this without my own emotions involved. With nothing left on the table. He agreed and admitted that he did have that problem (thats a success in my book). I told him that it would never change unless he, himself was willing to change that. I gave him some suggestions on how to fix it (counseling, writing it down, talking to someone, facing the core reasons for it), but told him that ultimately it was up to him.

He is a religious man (I am not). He told me that he knows and aches to be closer fo God. I simply said- i can be there to support you, but i cannot fix you.

I went on to discuss the P issue. He tells me that its been almost two weeks since he has looked at it (who knows). We have had sex more lately but no where near enough as it should be. When i brought up P, i told him about this website and said that id like for him to check it out. He said- maybe (another success?). Right after this conversation of P began though, he got angry and told me he didnt want to talk about it anymore.

In my head, im fighting myself to decide whether im up for this or not. Some days i want to punch his face and throw him out. Some days i want to hug him because i know theres a good person in there. I just want to be happy, with or without him.

For those with experience, what is your definition of a porn addiction? Also, do you think that this addiction is a additive to emotional abuse?

 

Hello all, thank you for all of the helpful advice and imput. It has all helped tremendously.

While I will say things are going a little better, that door-as always, is still revolving.

Last weekend my BF had to drive his boys back home (three day trip). Normally, Id want to go with him, be jealous and crazy the entire time he was gone thinking about what he was possibly doing, where he is, hes 1000 miles away with his ex wife, etc. I made the decision not to go with him the night before he left.

Instead, i took this time as an opportunity to take care of myself. I was able to relax, spend time with my family, and just completely enjoy myself. I am trying really hard to be a better "me". I think Ive been doing a pretty good job of it so far.

Since his trip, Ive been in a good mood. I made an oath to myself that I would not allow him to rub his negative nonsense on me. Ive been focusing on me. I feel good about myself. I feel beautiful and confident. Ive come to the realization that how I feel about myself wasnt up to him. If i can be the best that I know how to be and know I should be, then what more could i ask of myself.

Part of the reason I feel this is whats going to work for me is that I think maybe if he sees me happy regardless of what he pulls, it may sway him to jump onboard with my happiness. Maybe it will help stop some of the arguments if he sees that his hurtful words and actions dont resignate as deep as he thought they did. Maybe his desire to be close to me will rise. Who knows what will happen. I feel better about myself and right now, thats enough for me.

Following the conversation we had when i laid things out for him a few weeks ago, he mentioned to me that he thinks his testosterone levels were low and his abilities arent quite up to par as they should be. I dont know whether this is actually true or if he is just using this as an excuse. I made an appointment for his to see the doctor a few days ago. He went. We are awaiting results of testing now.

Over the past two weeks, we've only had sex once. Given he was only gone for 3 days, i feel that its absolutely no where near enough. Problems or not.

I found P on his phone when he returned from his trip but havent said anything to him about it. I do plan to have a graceful conversation with him tonight. Im not going to be angry, upset, nothing. Hopefully he will talk some things out with me.

Ill keep you updated.

 

Following a disagreement we had earlier in the day, I took my boyfriend up on his offer to go for a walk tonight (he walks/jogs after work each night).

While walking, I felt an enormous space between us, but chose to pretend it wasnt there. I walked, enjoyed the view, overall-it was almost nice. We didnt speak much, just listened to his christian devotional readings from his phone (I am not at all religious, but didnt mind listening with him).

The past few nights hes been coming home from work and falling right to sleep. Without so much as a conversation. He hasnt even held the baby since Monday and its now Thursday. I havent said anything to him because I wanted to give him his space. The doctor he seen a few days ago put him on anxiety medication so Im assuming the affects of that is making him super tired and extra moody(who knows). Also, I think maybe his boys going home after being with us the entire summer has probably got him down. So...Im really trying to be understanding here and giving him the time he needs.

Anyways, tonight when we got home I asked him how he was feeling. Automatically, he got defensive and asked me whats wrong (I guess he assumed I was going to start an argument). I kinda just said i wanted to check and see if there was something bothering him that maybe he wanted to talk about. I told him that since we hadnt had much of a chance to talk lately I wanted to make sure he was okay. He gets a tad angry and blows me off completely. Instead of getting angry and upset, i say- okay, well i was just trying to be helpful. If theres anything you need from me, just let me know.

He goes onto say that I dont understand whats going on with him and how he feels. So i ask him to tell me. Help me better understand. He turns away and tells me he's going to bed, shaking his head at me. I responded with- Im sorry, I just wanted my boyfriend back for 3 minutes to have a conversation with me (maybe something I shouldnt have said).

Ughhh. This is so frustrating. Ive never had to deal with issues like this before. Usually, I am not a very patient person. I am really trying hard here. I have been doing a good job at staying positive lately. Afterwardd, i just let him sleep and took the baby out so he would have some peace and quiet.

I want to help him but how do I get him to open up and accept my help? There is only so many times I can deal with him turning away before its my turn to turn away.

 

Also, something else thats always been in the back of my mind...

I feel like a lot of his issues and feelings stem from the abuse that occurred when he was younger. Its a touchy subject to anyone whos experienced it, Im sure. I dont think he has ever quite gotten over it or had an opportunity to face it and speak to someone about it.

While reading other posts throughout this forum Ive read that P usually begins in younger years. Maybe for him, it happened because of this abuse. Maybe he was exposed to P because of that and he never really let it go.

How do you bring up something like this? Would I be crossing boundaries by doing so? Ive suggested counselling before to him, should I push this counselling? Am I just making up more excuses for his behaviors and habits?

I dont want to cause anymore animosity than there already is. I dont want to embarrass him or have him resent me, but I feel bad. I want to help him or send him in a direction of something or someone who could help him. Its almost like I see a sad little boy within him whenever I even think about bringing it up, so i keep these thoughts to myself.

 

Hello @AlltheRageBackHome! Thank you for the words, advice, and input. Everything you mentioned, I felt. I appreciate the honesty.

These things you've said are almost the same thoughts I had myself a few weeks ago. I knew I was the only one trying. I knew I wasn't getting through to him. I knew I deserved so much better than this. I knew I had to make a choice to stay or go.

In my head, I feel like I have to do everything in my power to try to make this work. I don't want to walk away with regrets. Things I should've done, words I should have said, etc. If once I feel like I have exhausted all abilities and desires to improve this and there is no difference, I will walk away. I will walk away without second guessing myself, without doubts and remorse. I will be done. Its very important to me to make sure me "giving up" is done the right way. I don't want to be the person that walks away crying, screaming, etc. Full of emotions and whatnot.

We do have a child together. If and when I walk away, this BF will most likely move 1000 miles away, back to where he is from. This means my son will no longer have that father figure in his life daily. I dont want to rob him of that without trying all options.

I still hold on to those thoughts that some of his issues come from psychological/medical issues in his brain. (anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc.)

When he and I told one another we loved eachother, I know for me- it was more than just words. If I walk away without at least trying to help, its almost like I gave up on him at his worst.

This doesnt mean that I am not completely pissed. I am still disgusted with him. I know that there are millions of people in the world so theres no need for me to be with this one person who makes me miserable.

Maybe this is just me making more excuses for him. Im soooo good at that. Even while I type this, I hear part of my brain telling me Im an idiot for still being here.

I understand change doesnt happen immediately. I may be naive, wishful thinking here or giving myself false hope, but Id like to think something good exists between he and I. Ive just gotta find it. If at the end of it, I dont find it, at least I looked for it.

 

Just me reading that back to myself makes me crazy. Am I in denial?

 

Earlier today, around lunch time (I meet BF everyday for lunch on days he has to work)...I asked him again how he was feeling and if there was something bothering him. This time he responded saying he was okay, and just tired from the meds lately. He told me nothing was bothering him and that he was fine.

I didnt question the huge difference in his response compared to last nights.

I asked him...are thing always going to be like this between u and I. His response was...things dont get better overnight. We have to work at it little by little.

I didnt get a chance to respond to this as we both had to go back to work.

This evening, we walked together again. In the car when we got home he looks at me and asks- "are you tired of me being blahh all the time yet". I say...well its not that I am tired of it, I understand the medication is making u this way. If I have to deal with ten horrible days to get to the good then thats what Im going to do.

He responded by asking- "so all these days are just horrible to you?"

I say....well yeah. You and I havent talked barely, all u do is sleep when u get home. We arent close like a couple is supposed to be. We arent intimate with one another at all. I dont even feel like your girlfriend most times. So yeah, its been kind of horrible.

Before he had a chance to say anything in return we were interrupted by my son opening the car door.

I plan to bring these issues up again, so we will see. This time without interruptions. Wish me luck.