1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Is this what I want?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Mirandasface, Jul 17, 2015.

  1. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    I wish i wasnt so wishy washy with my decisions. Ive obviously got a huge decision to make and just want to make it already. I plan to take the night to myself and think it through.

    I just tried to talk to him and he tells me that I am making him feel bad because once again, we get home and he goes straight to bed. He told me to leave him alone and he didnt want to talk.

    I responded by telling him that I hope he realizes that by the time hes ready to talk, I wont be here any longer to talk to.
     
    AlltheRageBackHome likes this.
  2. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Miranda,

    I was very wishy washy as well. The good news is, you are taking the time to think this through and not making a rash decision because you are pissed off. He is the one making mistakes and pushing you away and is making you feel bad about it. Again, part of the addiction. Haggis did the same shit. You can't put up with that. If he doesn't want to talk about it, as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't want to change. I am sorry to say that but that's how I feel. I am all for supporting the recovery of these men (and women) but when they continue to do the same thing over and over and don't even care how much it is hurting their significant other- enough is enough.

    Something you said earlier is really sticking with me. You said: "We do have a child together. If and when I walk away, this BF will most likely move 1,000 miles away back to where he is from. This means my child will no longer have a father figure in his life daily. I don't want to rob him of that without trying all options." Ok. I understand that you want your BF to be in your child's life, as you should. But as it stands, how much is he really in this child's life? You said yesterday that he hasn't held the baby since Monday. He gets home and immediately goes to bed. That doesn't sound like he is making much time for the baby right now and he lives with the child. Another thing, you said YOU didn't want to rob the baby of having a father. This is not YOU robbing the child, this is your boyfriend robbing the child if he is willing to move that far away and leave the baby with you. You said you want to try all options. What are your options? To be miserable while your boyfriend shrugs you off and makes you feel guilty for trying so hard? Miranda, I am not trying to make you feel bad, please don't take it that way. I know how hard this is but you seem to be taking the blame. It will be YOUR fault if he moves away and doesn't see your child. That is simply not true. You have (from what I can tell) been very understanding, loving and compassionate to your boyfriend. All you are asking is for him to be honest with you. I agree that you should give it your best shot to make this work but you have. You can't MAKE him talk to you. You can't MAKE him stay in his child's life. You can be the best damn mother you can be and the rest will fall into place. Please take care of yourself. Your baby needs you to be happy and healthy.

    Good luck and please keep posting, I think it will do you some good to get this off of your chest.

    Hugs!
     
    AlltheRageBackHome likes this.
  3. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    Thank you @Blondewife. I never really thought of it from that direction. You are right. He really isnt here with the baby as it is, so what would he really be missing out on?

    I had surgery this afternoon to remove a bone tumor. I have several of them. You cant notice them by looking at me but they do cause a lot of pain. (not something i talk to BF about or complain to him about, because he once said I was being negative by talking about it to him). The surgery wasnt so bad but leaves me in pain for a day or so. I refuse to take pain meds because who wants to be all dopey trying to care for a newborn? Anyways, following that today, dealing with the BF today, a newborn baby, etc..I am just exhausted and in pain. Youd think The BF would offer to take the baby for a little bit before he went to bed (hes off tomorrow), or at the very least- while I took a shower or something.

    This alone is a perfect example of what you just said to me.

    Thank you for giving me a different view point on this. Something else to definately think about.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  4. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    How are you doing today, Miranda? I've been thinking about you.
     
  5. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    Today has been one of those hard days. Hard to deal with things. Hard to stay positive. Hard to continue even trying.

    BF woke up this morning early, went and worked on his truck for a couple hours. Afterwards, we decided we were going to go out and do something together. Before we left, he came over to me and tried to be intimate. After dtd...he says to me- "you dont think I wanted to do that"? I guess he said this because at first I didnt respond all too well when he began trying to be close to me. After a few moments, I responded with- when you go almost two weeks only having sex once, when we barely speak to one another, etc., then yeah it makes me think that no, you dont. I went on to remind him that couples break up all the time when the relationship lacks intimacy and communication. His response was- "well the only reason I would ever want to break it off is if we do nothing but argue". So i tell him- one of the reasons I would break up with him is if it continued to be a one sided relationship.

    This conversation was interrupted by someone knocking at the door.

    So...we go out, take the baby, decide to go shopping. After, we walked for an hour then drove to get something to eat. He stopped and got some beer. Anyways, we get to where we wanted to eat at and he tells me hes not hungry and to just go in and get something for myself. So I do. When I get back out to the car, we start talking. I asked him how he was dealing with his boys being gone. I ask- has that been bringing you down lately. He responds by saying- No, im not down. I miss them, but Im relieved they are gone because now I have the freedom to do the things I want that I couldnt do when they were here. (even tho i had his children 24 hrs/day while they were here)

    So I say, well dont forget you still have a baby. He goes onto say that the baby is different. He says hes had experiences with his other boys that allowed him to make connections with them. Then says he cant bond with baby or connect with baby because baby doesnt talk and isnt able to do things with him yet.

    So I say...hes a baby. Of course he doesnt speak or have the ability to do things you want. Its your job as a dad to teach him those things. You cannot simply avoid him until he is older, it doesnt work that way.

    Well this conversation really mustve pissed him off. He asks why Im always trying to make him feel bad. Started cussing at me, calling me names. Tells me Im just jealous and a liar. That I dont know what Im talking about. Then says- just take me home, I dont want to talk to you or be anywhere near you.

    So...I drive home. Ten minutes later he comes up to me saying he loves me and hes sorry for being a dickhead. I ignored him. He says this stuff again, and I respond- theres only so many times I will put up with you being a dickhead. Then I walked away and havent spoken to him since.

    Hes beginning to make this decision a lot easier on me.
     
  6. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    That makes me very sad to hear :( I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I believe you deserve better than this. Again, I'm not telling you to leave or even trying to make you believe you should leave. Only you know what is best for you. As a woman (and a woman who has given birth) I say you still deserve better. Your child is 1 month old and you are still dealing with hormones out the wazoo and I believe he should he sensitive to this. He is being the complete opposite. I know you love this man but I'm sure you don't want your son to grow up thinking it is okay to treat a woman the way that he treats you. Sons learn how to treat women by the way their father does. I hope he comes to his senses before he loses such a wonderful woman.
     
  7. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    Update on this evening..

    BF continued to apologize, asking for forgiveness. I told him that I did forgive him, but would not continue to tolerate his behavior and lack of effort.

    We then spent a few hours apart, both at home.

    He came back to me a little while ago wanting to talk to me (probably because of the few beers he drank).

    He goes into talking about his P issue. He tells me he knows he has a problem and he is trying to overcome this. He tells me that when I bring it up to him, hes filled with shame, embarrassment, self doubt, etc. I told him that he makes me feel the same way when he watches it. I told him that I believe each and every time he watches it, its equivalent to him cheating on me.

    I asked him if he watches it because he feels that our relationship is lacking something or missing something, he answered no. I asked him if he thought that him watching it is the reason that he and I arent intimate as much, he answered no.

    I asked him how he would feel if I was the one watching it , and if he would consider it cheating, he says he would feel the same and yes it would be.

    I went on to tell him that I have overcame the thoughts of being ugly, sad, shameful, etc. I told him that I was at the point right now that if he continues to look at P which I feel is cheating on mr, I would leave him. I told him- its me, or P. He didnt like that ultamatum (I could see him begin to get angry)and stopped talking for a minute or so. He said that if he is unable to overcome this, and I leave him anyways then we were not meant to be together then. I went on to tell him I have full confidence in him that he has the ability to overcome this addiction. He says...so do I, but I dont like ultamatums.

    He then kneeled in front of me, and told me that he wanted to make a promise to me. He said that he would not look or watch it for one year. (hard to believe, I know). He says that if after the year is over, if our relationship was better, then I would be right.

    So me...knowing this is most likely BS (what do you think?)...I say that Id like him to tell me if he gets the urges or if he fails at this and does look at it. I said I would not judge, be angry, etc. He agreed.

    THEN...
    I asked him to stop deleting his browser history. He told me that he couldnt promise me this. He says that there are things he looks up and does research for in regards to relationship issues, or problems hes having...that he would like to keep to himself. To keep private. Things he says that would make me judge him, or things he doesnt want my input on. (does this sound like BS or weird to you??)

    I agree, and say fine. (maybe he does look things up, relationship stuff, abuse stuff, self help stuff, who knows)

    He asked me to write his promise down on something that he would see everyday. As a reminder.

    Thoughts?
     
  8. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    Another thing that stuck with me that he said...

    He said...what if the very first emotional relationship Ive ever had was with P.

    I told him that I understand most men begin looking or watching P at a very young age, but he is in a relationship with me now.

    This made me believe that him watching P stemmed from when he was younger, around the time he was being abused.

    I mentioned this website to him again during this conversation. I told him about the amazing support it could offer and told him I would link the webpage to his iPad so he could check it out. He seemed a little open/interested in it.

    Guess we will see.
     
  9. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    I think this website would be a great one for him to look at and invest some time in. It is horrible what he encountered when he was a child and no one deserves to be introduced to sex in that way.

    As for the deleting of browser history, I call BS. If he has a problem with your relationship, I think it is fine for him to look things up in the internet but then he needs to come to you and talk to you about the problems, not delete the browser history. Haggis used to delete his history and go "incognito" on his browser to look at P. In my opinion, this is the addict talking. Bravo to him for saying he has a problem. That is the first step. I would encourage him to install K9 or a similar app on his computer to help him be accountable. Haggis has it installed and it won't allow any innappropriate content to be displayed on his computer. If all he is worried about is you finding relationship advice on his computer and not P, this should not be an issue. It will still show him relationship advice without showing him P.

    So proud of you for continuing this fight and all the best.
     
  10. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Hey Miranda!

    I hope you got some rest last night (I know it can be hard to rest when your world is such a whirlwind). Just know that you continue to be in my thoughts.
     
  11. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    Hey Miranda - just wanted to pop back into this thread to let you know how incredibly brave you are, and a huge inspiration.

    We men have a lot of pride: we don't like to admit failure, shame or weakness and can find it hard to admit we need help. Especially when we feel like we're the ones who are meant to be the superhero for our partners. While it most definitely doesn't excuse the way you've been treated - at all - I'm just very thankful that you're at least giving him the chance to figure it out - you're exactly what he needs.

    If he's willing, I'd recommend you both do the '5 Love Languages' test together. Click here to go to there.

    Basically, the guy that came up with the idea, suggests that we all have ways of showing and receiving love - but that's not necessarily the same as our partners. There's 5 ways we show love (Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch), and when we understand what our partners primary love language is, we can fill up their 'love tank' much more effectively!

    For example, my main love language is quality time. Having my fiancées undivided attention, when we can just spend time together without distractions, makes me feel loved and appreciated. I naturally want to show my fiancée love by spending as much time with her as possible - to show her that I love her, because that's what would make me feel most loved.

    But the thing is - her primary love language is gifts. She feels most loved when I give her a gift that makes her know that I was thinking about her. While she likes quality time, its not her primary love language, and I can fill up her love tank a lot more effectively by a thoughtful present.

    Once I learned this, I could make her feel much more loved and appreciated. While gifts don't do much for me, I understand now that they really make her feel loved - so I know that a random bunch of flowers, the coffee with a post-it note with 'I love you!' attached to it when she's at work, or a dress that I know she's had her eye on for a while, is going to let her know that I love her much more effectively than just saying 'I love you.'

    By doing the test together, you can identify your love languages. It takes about 5 minutes, and if nothing else, it can give you some ideas, and might springboard a conversation into what you need from each other to feel valued and connected.

    Me and my fiancée went through the book as well (by Gary Chapman), and found it really helped us understand each other and connect on a whole new level. The amazing thing is, when you know each others love language, it becomes all about loving the other person, rather than trying to feel loved. She knows that spending quality time with me makes me feel loved, so she does. And so when she's making me feel loved, I want to make her feel loved, so I'm looking for that next little gift to surprise her, which is in turn making her want to make me feel more loved so she's planning our next weekend retreat.

    Just a thought - thanks for keeping us updated. All the best!

    -H1
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  12. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    Hello @Hero One! Thank you for the suggestion. At this point I am willing to try anything and everything to make this better.

    When I read your reponse a few nights ago, I checked the website out, read a few chapters, and did take the test. I asked my boyfriend to also take the test. While annoyed, he gave in and completed it. He wouldnt let me look at his answers to individual questions but showed me his results. Surprisingly, our results were very similar. We both scored high in physical touch and quality time. He had absolutely no interest in what my scores were or what it even meant. (maybe he even taking the test was a win for me?) i will continue to work at this and see if it helps.

    Update on us...

    My BF and I havent really spoken about the P issue, the promise, etc. He and I have mentioned it to one another, but thats it. Other than an argument on Sunday night which led to him saying some mean and hateful things- we have been getting along. We've gone shopping, hiking, walking, etc.

    The last time we dtd was on Saturday night. (the night he made this promise, but also the night he had some beers)

    This morning, he wakes up for work at 5. He gets right up, goes into bathroom to shower and whatnot...for about a half hour, give or take a few minutes. He took his phone into the bathroom with him.

    I also wake up at this time so I was getting dressed, and noticed his phone was gone.

    Now...usually if he showers before work, hes in and out fairly quickly. He has taken his phone into the bathroom with him before, which I always assumed...he was watching P.

    In my head, i feel like he watched P this morning. (why else would a man need his phone in the bathroom with him at 5am, for thirty minutes?)

    After thinking this, I immediately felt guilty because I had these thoughts. I felt like I assumed quickly and didnt really give him the benefit of doubt. (does he even deserve that benefit?)

    When he came back into the bedroom, I say- wheres your cell phone at? (i wanted him to know that i knew where it was while he was in the shower) He responds and said...its in my pocket. Why, did u need it for something? I responded with- nope.

    I didnt want to touch his phone, plus if there was something on it, he probably deleted it anyways.

    I drive him into work this morning (he has his own truck, but we do this so we get to spend some time together in morning before we both go to work, lunch breaks, etc), barely saying anything. We get there and he asks whats wrong. i say- nothing. Normally, he would push the subject and figure out whats wrong with me or yell at me because I was in a negative mood. Which led me to believe he already knew what was wrong and he wanted to flat out avoid that subject.

    Is this me being paranoid? Is this normal? Am I just looking for a problem where a problem does not exist? Am I justified in being upset about it and wanting to have a conversation with him about it?

    Or do I say nothing and respect his privacy?
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2015
  13. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    One other thing...when I had BF take the test, he seen this website up on my iPad. It was this post that I had on the screen. I took the iPad back and told him I didnt want him reading this right now and that if he wanted to, I would send him the link to it so he could read it to himself. i explained in detail a little about what the website was, how it worked, etc. I told him it was not something I was hiding from him, just something I didnt want him reading right this minute while he and I were talking.

    Do you think its a good idea for me to send him the link to my postings or just to the website itself?

    I dont like hurting feelings. I would hope that him reading this wouldnt hurt his..but guys with their egos, it probably would.
     
  14. Mirandasface

    Mirandasface Fapstronaut

    24
    12
    3
    I leave work to go meet him for lunch. Immediately, when he gets into the car he says to me- "do you honestly think I was looking at that stuff in bathroom this morning". I respond with- "I never said that and I dont want to waste any time arguing right now". (I never told him what was bothering me this morning) He goes on to say he was just taking a shower. So I say- I believe you (I dont know if I do believe him or dont believe him, just didnt want to argue).

    Right before he leaves, he says...So you think you can act like that, make me feel guilty, and not even apologize for being that way.

    So I apologize. He tells me that the only reason he took his phone into the bathroom was- in case his alarm went off he didnt want it to wake me or for me to have to get up too. So he set it on the bathroom sink (although he and I get up at the same time, our alarms are set for the same times). I respond by saying- I already told you that I believe you. Im just gonna put my faith into you, in hopes that youll be honest with me. Then he gets angry, and just leaves without a goodbye.

    How does this stuff as a whole not make one crazy?

    Does this ever get easier?
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2015
  15. In my opinion, now it just has to be a thing where if you ever catch him watching it again, you know that you cannot trust him ever again. After all, he did promise, right?

    Unfortunately, you wont know what he is doing while he's alone. All you can do is take his word for it. That is all you can do with anyone.

    If you do actually catch him again, then I think you know where you stand in this relationship.
     
  16. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    1,532
    1,887
    143
    I honestly don't see what you are getting out of this relationship at this point. He doesn't talk to you very much (and when he does, he is passive aggressive and borderline emotionally abusive), you aren't intimate physically (or any other way), and he isn't helping you with the baby (or with his own children, for crying out loud). He is emotionally and physically distant, he refuses to be transparent about his PMO issues or what (if anything) he is doing to fix them and he punishes you for trying to express your thoughts and feelings.

    So, I have to ask: What's in it for you?

    It sounds like this guy needs an ultimatum. Either he starts taking better care of himself (therapy) and seriously working on your relationship (more therapy) -- including no PMO whatsoever and complete access to his phone and browser history if you want it -- or he can hit the road.

    Sorry to be so blunt, but I just read your journal from front to back and it left me feeling so sorry for you and so angry with him. You deserve better. He can be better, or he can be gone.
     
  17. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    1,532
    1,887
    143
    And by the way, I say this having been a pretty bad husband myself at times. (Never as bad as this guy, but still not a very nice guy). If she hadn't given me a really serious kick in the ass, I doubt I ever would have woken up. Would she have stayed with me anyway? I don't know. I actually kind of hope not. I think I'd respect her less if I discovered she really wouldn't have left me, even if I hadn't started straightening up my act.
     
  18. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

    497
    382
    63
    The major difference between you and @Mirandasface is that you were/are married, she is just in a co-habitual relationship, not married.

    Miranda, I wanted to address a couple concerns that people have been saying. The most common recommendation is to hit the road and peace out on this man. While I do agree with that, I think you should give him one last ultimatum. Make it clear that you will if it doesn't change. To me, looking at it from the information you have given - he doesn't respect you, he doesn't treat you well, and it is appearing more and more that he doesn't care that much or at all. That is a really tough thing to acknowledge and I am truly sorry you have gone through this. That being said, your concern of having a child with him needs to be addressed. You mentioned that you don't want the child to not have a father figure, while that is true and a good valid concern, your looking at it from the wrong view. This man currently does not act as a father figure anyway. If anything, the way he is present in your life is definitely harmful to you, and will become harmful to your child. Just because you hit the road with him doesn't mean that your child won't have a father figure. I know of several people who this was the case, and they ended up finding a knockout man who did eventually be that father figure for the child.

    I just want you to know that I am definitely here to support you. It is such a tough and brittle situation you are in. You are not married to this man. You are still young. You have a beautiful child. You are a beautiful person. You deserve to have the life you want and your child deserves the chance at a healthy life, with healthy parents.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  19. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    @Mirandasface

    I'm glad you were able to take a look at the Love Languages site - I found it really useful in connecting to my fiancée in a whole new and satisfying way, so I'd hoped that the both of you might discover a new angle. It is definitely good that he took the test, and I'd like to think he's pondering some of the responses.

    As for the bathroom situation - I've noticed that your partner doesn't like accusation. I'm obviously not telling you anything that you don't already know, but it seems like whenever you confront him about anything, he shuts down and goes into 'defensive, ego-driven man mode', which is hurtful and frustrating to you, and wholly unproductive for your relationship. While I know you're desperate to work on the situation, actually trying to work on the situation causes him to clam up, get defensive, and get moody.

    I'd really encourage you to read this article, which covers this:

    http://psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down/

    It's all about 'stonewalling', and might help you.

    Also, I've just got back from another session of our pre-marital course, where we've been going over a chapter on 'assuming the best' in our relationship. It was an interesting discussion about having our default mode to be non-suspicious, non-accusational (not a word, but I like it), and non-challenging. For example, if he's taken his phone into the bathroom, don't automatically assume he's watching pornography. Assume that he loves you and is trying to stop that. Otherwise you might be creating more emotional barriers based on half-truths or things that aren't even existent. That said, this isn't an excuse for naivety. If it's obvious, then fooling yourself isn't the solution.

    We're here for you Miranda, and I think we're on the verge of breakthrough. You might not feel it, but I really get a sense that it's all coming to a point of action.

    All the best,

    -H1
     

Share This Page