Stuck in this sissy fantasy cycle. Really need help

Started a fresh reboot about two days back. Currently on Day 3. My Journal:

Day 1-2: Deleted all porn files and threw away all the magazines. Having OCD thoughts but I'm trying not to relapse.

 

Day 3: Was feeling horny, having heterosexual fantasies alongwith seldom sissy fantasies and also a bit of a spike in OCD thoughts, but did not relapse by diverting myself to my pending work.

 

Based on what i have experienced and currently experiencing, I truely believe that PMOing over a long term in excess is likely to mess up your brain. Although I did have some OCD tendencies during my childhood, they surely shotted up after I began excessively PMOing for about 3 years. Even the sissy aspect is part because of regular PMO and part because of increased OCD tendencies.

 

Day 4: Had some sissy urges earlier during the day. Some porn scenes to which I used to fap imagining myself as the woman were occuring in my thoughts which were the reason behind the sissy urges. But I resisted my urge to fap. Now looking forward to Day 5.

 

Day 5: Woke up today morning with a dry dream. Today went really good.

 

Day 6: Had some HOCD tendencies in the morning after getting a random thought. Because of that, I kinda got some sissy urges, not much, just a little, and felt the need to relapse, but I resisted myself. Was horny all day, and for the rest of the day, it was all heterosexual fantasies. But did not MO or PMO. Now looking ahead to Day 7.

 

Day 7: A week of NoFap! Had some sissy urges today too. This happens because I get these porn scenes occuring in my mind sometimes to which I used to fap imagining myself as the woman. A year ago, when all of this had started and when I used to go on reboots, the sissy fantasies would completely fade away after just 2-3 days of No PMO. Now even after a week, I sometimes get these fantasies. But there are heterosexual fantasies too. But I do believe that after some time, some more days into my reboot, these sissy fantasies and this fetish would fade away completely.

 

I have seen postings of people on YBOP and over here that they have fully recovered from this evil fetish once they completed their reboot successfully. No such fantasies or urges occuring to them after healing; so yes it's quite possible to permanently eliminate this. Ofc if you go back to PMOing excessively all over again, then this problem might resurface again.

 

Day 8: The sissy urges have increased a bit now, and I thought I was gonna relapse. But I didn't. Also, had some worries and was anxious whether I would truely be able to get over this. Maybe all of this are withdrawal symptoms? Either way, I must keep going. This has been going on for far too long.

 

Day 9: Had a major relapse. I had to give in and relapse, since I had been feeling the urges since yesterday, and it began taking a toll on my work. The thing is, I am working on this super important project, and I can't risk my work to get affected. This project might go on for about a month or so. I am thinking whether to start afresh from tomorrow, or whether I should go on a fresh reboot once I am done with my project. Couldn't do any work today, even after relapsing. Have PMOed like 3 times now, that too from the sissy perspective. I am in a mess right now. How I wish things go back to how they were until last year; no sissy fetish at all. Is there really any hope for me? Will I ever be able to get over this and regain my previous self back? I hope so.

 

No offense taken, my friend. I understand you are trying to help. Maybe you are right, resisting is better than giving in, cuz even after giving in today, I couldn't work properly today. I was thinking over the fact that I am going deeper into this.

"Sissy perspective" is bullshit. It is something that has only recently occured to me; this isn't me.

And as far as triggers are concerned, I don't have any triggers to trigger my sissy fetish. It's just that when I start my reboot, after a few days, certain porn scenes to which I had fapped to from this so called "sissy perspective" start occuring in my mind. And gradually these become urges. That is how I relapsed today morning. I guess I have to keep trying until I get back to where I was about an year ago before all of this started.