I have a question for a married guy

I'm a fair bit younger than your husband (25) but using the reason/excuse of being tired all the time was something I did a lot when I was actively feeding my addiction. My desire towards my wife is so much higher than it was and I definitely want sex far more than once a month now.

I know that from my wife's perspective she seen an lot of positive changes in my behaviour since I've started recovering and I'm generally a better, more supportive husband to her. I still make mistakes at times but I'm far more present in the relationship.

Is your husband actively doing anything as part of his recovery? I'm not saying that he couldn't do it but to just be able to quit cold turkey after that many years of P is unusual. Most people struggle to get to 90 days of hard mode so 6 months is impressive.

 

You are basically friends living under the same roof. Your need are not been met. Why are you still with him? If he is not having sex with you is because he don't what to do it.. then you need to take a decision... or you keep with him and accept sex is not part of it or you call it a day with him and look for another man that is happy to have sex with you. No matter how much you tell him you want sex is going to make him what to have sex with you. He is going to force it to avoid your complains and is going to stop doing eventually.

Well.. you are responsable for your own life. You choosed this guy.. if he is not giving you what you need you have to move on.. no matter how much you want him to be different.. he is just not giving what you want.

Do you want your kid to grow learning how to have a relationship looking at you and your husband? a relationship without that fire.. that love.. and everything a couple should have? remember... in the future you sone is going to look after a relationship like that and is going to suffer the same sexless relationship you are teaching him is ok.
don't you think is better to go and find another man that make you happy and show your son how a good relationship is? don't you want the same for your husband that find a woman that make him happy to teach that to your own son?

No relationship can work without trust. Once is lost.. is probably never going to go back to the way it was.

Life is short too waist it with people that are not happy and exited to be with us. Only share it with people that are really happy to see you.. and only be in a relationship with a man is you are really happy to be with and he is really happy to be with you

 

I went hard mode for 6 months and it took a lot of time, individual therapy, me doing the things I need for recovery (NoFap Support Group, SAA group, reading, podcasts [e.g. recoveredman.com] etc.), and time for her to begin to heal from betrayal trauma and begin to trust me again enough to want to try being vulnerable with me, before things got better. When we started being physically intimate it was wonderful and if it were up to me we'd have sex everyday. My desire for her now is so strong without any PMO in the mix. So if he only wants sex once a month, and he truly is not going to porn or compulsively masturbating, my thought is that there is something amiss with him physically and he needs to see a doctor, or he is not being truthful. You don't mention in your post whether the two of you have been in couples therapy? If not, I would strongly encourage it, and if he balks, go to therapy yourself so you can be supported and work through issues. Please, please do not get into this mode where you think any of this is your fault, i.e. maybe I'm not attractive enough, etc. That is not the issue. A healthy marriage needs and deserves healthy sexuality and emotional intimacy, and you deserve to have your needs met too. If he is just too tired to have sex but once a month, absent a medical condition seriously impacting his physical desire, then that excuse is bullshit, pardon my abrupt language.

 

@Sadwife, can you go together to couple's counseling?

I'm older than your husband (55) and it is definitely the case that the sex becomes less frequent after the first years (decades) of a relationship but twice in five years is way beyond that. It is impossible to say if his lack of libido is because of secretive continued porn use or because of some other underlying issues. It could be physical or psychological.

 

Married guys here -

First thing is that you are never "recovered" from an addiction. Think of an alcoholic. They're never not an alcoholic anymore, even after years or decades of not drinking.

Second, as with most addictions (or compulsions or however you want to define them) it's usually a lot deeper than just the action. Has he explored WHY he went to porn to numb himself or escape? Have the two of you explored together how it affected your relationship and how to improve on those areas going forward? Other than just white knuckling, has your husband done anything else to try and change his habits (groups, therapy, books, writing, hobbies, etc)?

Third, he can answer about his sexual desire, what's normal for him, and if he's being truthful. As men age desire can go down. He might be feeling guilty over not telling the truth. Or maybe he's just not feeling it. Or maybe he's afraid of disappointing you. Maybe it has nothing to do with the porn at all. Really this is a conversation for the two of you, maybe with a couples therapist. Not something we can answer with limited information.

 

Hi Sadwife.

I read your post when it first went up. Its such a deep and moving post I decided to sleep on my response. I will start with, I very much second what Trobone has said above. If your husband has a problem with addiction, he will need to explore that problem. I would like to add that your desire, for your husband to grow and change might help inspire him to grow and change, but it wont make him grow and change. Just like with you (and me), its a personal problem, and you can hopefully go to your spouse for support, but they cannot do the work for you (or me).

When it comes to the sex drive, at all ages there can be all sorts of issues. I have known more than one older man that has the drive, but because of health issues, they are unable. Regardless of the cause of this problem (Porn addiction, physical injury, underlying health issues) this is often an area that men would rather not discuss, often this is due to an undeserved sense of shame/embarrassment. The drive could be there, but the ability might have gone away, or he might not have the drive for health related issues. Which leads me to perhaps one of the most embarrassing questions I have to ask, are you both healthy for your age?

Because you mentioned trust issues, I will tell you that I have to keep my phone locked because I send and receive confidential information for work. For my own benefit I make it a habit to tell my wife anytime a female from our friend group has contacted me but not her. Unless of course they are contacting me to plan a surprise for my wife.

My wife and I have trained each other of the years on how we would like to be talked to, and how we would like to be listened to. If you are having issues with communication, it might be time to seek help in that area. As a man one of the hardest things for me, is when my wife has an emotional response to something going on in my life, when I am trying to rationalize the same issue. Not always, but often in men, we will rationalize something before we are able to express our feelings about the issue. If you truly think your husband is a great husband and father, but you are unhappy, perhaps its time to seek help from a professional. There is no shame in that, my wife and I have done therapy and it made us stronger.

Lastly I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of the best stoics to ever live, Marcus Aurelius. When I am sad and things are out of my control, I often reread many stoic texts.

"When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions."

 

I feel like I should add this. The hardest moments in my life were the moments I had to accept the help of others for my own growth. Even when I knew it was the right thing to do, I was not emotionally ready for a long time. I had a deep held and irrational aversion to showing anything I perceived as weakness. I thank God daily for the patience my wife showed me as a grew and changed.

 

PMO i.e. orgasming to masturbation and porn is a huge problem and it's a compulsive habit that makes one addictive. you think that your husband was not very addictive but it's much deep routed.We don't know how deep he's has though about those PM days? The more you think,the more serious it gets.Its not that physical.its more psycological kinda mental.
Brain needs high to satisfy PMO greed and till it gets it, everything seems normal.But once you quit PMO,then the real thing starts.

Its all withdrawal symptoms.eg.flatline i.e. no energy or activity down there and it may last 3-6 months.

Sleep disorder,fatigue,mood swings,low libido and so on .there are a lot more symptoms

Very normal to evey PMO addict.

It's also quite normal.

Normally to return the libido and desire to have sex or to cure ED it takes 9-12 months fully.so you have to give him time.He might be struggling himself.

And withdrawals will go on and on.the longer he was involved in this addiction,the longer it'll take him to heal.
But he can heal himself.He'll get better.First thing that he has to realise that he was addicted and figure out what was that which was dragging him to do PMO all time? And then finding ways to stay away eg.hobby,family time, reading,exercise and so on.

He'll get better and your relationship too.it needs quite an effort Wish you both and good luck on the recovery path.

 

But there are two problems. The two problems are possibly the same problem, and possibly not. One problem is his porn addiction, which he wants to work on without therapy. The other problem is the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage. That's what I was suggesting couple's therapy for. Perhaps if you make it plain that this is (potentially) a separate problem that you want to work on together?

 

I second this. I will say that if he does not want therapy, don't make it a fight, try to keep it as a discussion. Let him know you think it is needed, and then start going yourself with or without him, maybe he will follow suit.