Recovery timeline

Hey guys,

I have a question about a realistic timeline for recovery, and wondering what you all think.

Some folks around here seem to think that a simple, 90 day hardmode reboot should fix the problem, but most people seem to include a little caveat: 90 days, or longer if the problem is severe.

I'm 37 and I've been deep in this addiction since I was 11, PMO 5+ times a day for most of that 26 years. It seems a little naive to think that all of that can just be undone in 90 days. I was also a cocaine addict for four years, two of them really badly, and it took me two full years to recover from that and get my life back.

I read somewhere that a reboot should be about 2 months for each year of the addiction. That would mean I'm in for a four and a half year hardmode reboot. That sounds almost totally impossible to me, but at the same time if I imagine myself turning 41 or 42 having finally left PMO behind me, I'd feel such a weight lifted that maybe it would feel worth it, if I could manage it.

What are your thoughts on timelines? I guess I need to get 90 days done and go from there, but it's hard to stomach the idea that 90 days might not even scratch the surface. I'm committed to doing this right no matter what, so I'm just wondering what you all think.

 

Thanks for your reply! What you're saying makes sense. I think it's smart not to focus too much on a recovery timeline as it can start to feel impossible, and instead focus on the present, staying in the moment and managing urges, moods, and desires as they arise. It's just hard sometimes not knowing when or if we can finally move past this thing.

But I have a question for you: you say "once an addict always an addict" and also that "nofap is a way of life." Do you really think it never ends, and recovery is ongoing? In the abstract, I love the idea of living completely without PMO ever again in my life. That would be heaven. And I see your point: can I ever return to those behaviors in a "healthy" way? I guess the process of letting go of the addiction might just mean letting go forever. It just seems so hard, looking at my measly 12 day counter...

 

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the encouragement, I've known for YEARS that this was a massive issue in my life and yet I think I'm still getting my head around both how long the road to recovery will be, what that "recovery" might look like, and also just how important it is for me to commit to getting this under control.

That's a huge relief to hear, and congrats on making the progress that you've made! It sounds like I'm a few years behind you, or more, but it's inspiring to know that others have been where I am now and managed to learn to manage this. I'm trying not to focus too much on the long term future because it's scary but knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel helps.

This makes sense to me, and I think part of me has always known I'd have to work at this until the day I die. I've just got to learn the skills and techniques and develop the habits to make that possible.

You know, that's a long way off, but when you put it that way it doesn't actually sound so bad. I hope to live a long, happy, healthy life, and if there's a period of 5-8 years in the middle when I need to give up PMO entirely and commit to a long hardmode reboot, it's better than the alternative!

 

Yeah, I agree that 90 days just doesn't sound realistic to me at all. But 6-12 months doesn't honestly sound that realistic either, given my past and what I know about addictions in general. This is all compounded by the fact that I have a generally addictive personality, to everything from my hobbies to food to alcohol and drugs.

The idea of never recovering is a tough pill to swallow, but it's related to the idea that "once an addict, always an addict," and it doesn't mean that I couldn't manage symptoms and urges and refrain from PMO, even if the damage I've done is never fully reversed. But it also means that I'll likely never be able to manage a "healthy" relationship with MO, as it will always pull me back in, and so rather than thinking about a limited duration for a reboot, I should work toward just giving up MO entirely. At least, that's what I feel like makes the most sense given what I'm reading.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice and help guys, it's great to be able to talk about this and get some support

 

Wow, congratulations on that man. I wanna be there with you some day!

This is a really smart way of thinking about it, and resonates with my own struggles with cocaine and alcohol. "self talk" is so important for beating urges and keeping on track, knowing your own patterns of rationalization and being able to gently steer yourself back to the harder but better path.

I love this, thanks for saying that. Even the pride I feel having gone 12 days is significant, even though I know I have many, many more to go before the real healing starts. I'm resigned to working on this for my whole life now, I know I'll have to, so there's no point being angry or upset about that. It's just time to focus on things that matter more than sitting alone at a computer wasting my life and my energy. I think it would be so amazing to be 45 and look back on 2021 as a turning point, as the last time that MO was a part of my life.

I think there's a lot to say about this. One thing is that it's hard to get away from. If you're trying not to drink, you can avoid bars and not buy alcohol. But it's hard to avoid computers, alone time, or your own penis. Those things will always be there. Couple that with a culture that praises hypersexuality and I think it's easy to see why this addiction is particularly insidious.

 

This makes sense to me based on other addictions I've kicked in the past (I have successfully kicked addictions to cocaine, speed, and cigarettes. Currently working on alcohol, which is mostly under control, and PMO, which is... not quite there yet). When I was first trying to stop using cocaine it felt almost impossible to make it through a weekend. Now there isn't any inclination to use it at all. I even had a situation recently where everyone around me was blowing lines and offering it to me and I just didn't even want it. But I know that if I ever touched it again, that spark would reignite, so I have to stay vigilant and make sure I don't give in.

I'm hoping that PMO can feel like that eventually, like something I don't realistically consider doing, ever. Something that fades into the past, that I move beyond. Sure, I'll need to be careful about triggers and stress and make sure I don't start rationalizing any "just once" scenarios, but it won't be like it is now, a CONSTANT struggle to manage urges, like an obsession.

I think "cured" is an interesting word. I think some folks are here to cure a specific symptom, like PIED, or to get away from a fetish they find shameful (personally I'm kink-positive, within healthy consensual relationships). For them it might work to do a reboot, kick their addiction to P, and then move on, maybe even returning to MO afterwards. I think for me the idea of being "cured" isn't about a specific symptom but rather a spiral of compulsive behavior that leads to a whole array of issues and problems in my life, so it's not so much about kicking P and then returning to MO after a few weeks, it's about learning to live without P or MO entirely and not allowing that spiral to take over. My hope isn't so much a "cure" as a new lifestyle