Question for men 35+

It is absolutely similar for the SO of a PA. My wife and I have talked about this extensively. It is hard whenever the connection gets severed. Even the slightest of actions can hurt one or the other. It is like walking through an old house with squeaky boards trying not to make a sound. Inevitably, it happens. Triggers are abound on "both sides".

 

There's a pretty important difference, however.... Because one spouse put them both in that creaky old house and did not respect the marriage enough to address the termites that they cultivated in private. The shared burden is far more terrifying and hurtful when the person you trusted knowingly hurt you and is seemingly entitled to equal sympathy and patience.

 

I completely agree. That is really the best attitude. My comment was just a reminder for the other party to remain mindful of where the emotions come from and are possibly of greater difficulty that addicts tend to overlook until they have achieved significant healing. Not to pity the spouse sticking by their side, but that it requires a great deal of loyalty and perseverance to endure hardship brought on by someone else with grace and compassion.( Which appears to be exactly what you are doing, well done!)

 

Disregard this last quote. Addicts like to place blame on everyone except themselves.

 

Yeah... so If my partner looses 20 pounds and look like a skeleton or gain 20 pounds and is overweight (both looks been unhealthy) I should be attracted to her the same way i was we she was in good shape? of course not... man are visual creatures. If I met a woman and get attracted to her I will be attracted and have desire to have sex with her while she keep herself around that shape. If she get totally out of shape and stop puting effort on been sexy.. then man are going to be turned down. So... I gave many things that could be happening in his particular case, and is fair to point out this one also that happens a lot.
As you said, addicts like to place blame on everyone except themselves... and also there are people that also like to do that to not take responsability.

 

It is never the partner's responsibility when the addict chooses to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. The addict is 100% responsible for his choices.

 

If she let herself go and she is no longer attractive to him, how is that his responsability? I'm not saying this is the case here but is a posivility since we don't know them. You are already blaming everything on him before knowing the background.

 

Wife abusers blame their wives and say it's not their fault they gave their wife a black eye, it's her fault for not getting dinner done on time, or talking to the wrong friends, or having "wrong" opinions.

That's no different than someone who says they look at porn because their wife gained a couple pounds. If the husband had an issue with that the solution is an honest conversation, not lying and hiding and avoiding.

Edit: beating you wife and looking at porn are obviously not 100% apples to apples. But the addict blaming the partner/victim is relatable.

The OP asked for first hand experience about lidibo and upcoming middle age for people quitting porn. Bringing up her body is a distraction that serves no purpose and moves the conversation backwards.

 

Disagree, is important to look at all posibilities. Low libido to her can be a result of porn, and also of her been totally out of shape. Also can be because of stress etc etc. But.. from the first second you asumed is all on him. I'm more open to look at every posivility.

 

Not wanting sex comes from low libido. It can be low libido in general, low libido for his partner or no libido for anything that is no porn. If you are not having sex with him is important to see every aspect of it to look for the solution.

 

We're on a website about quitting porn and the OP asked about that specifically. If you can't stay on topic then maybe you should find a fitness forum.

 

There's a few guys on here like that, unfortunately. When I first started posting here, there were 2 of them that came on different threads to gaslight me. I hope this person doesn't discourage you from continuing to seek advice and support from the rest of the community